My Mom is 92, and will not permit any strangers in her house. I can't do it all by myself, what am I to do?

How do I deal with it. I have no life anymore. She expects me to be around 24/7.

Answers 1 to 10 of 10
Dear 2TiredinFlorida, I certainly can understand an identify with your problem. We recently had to let a caregiver go because my mom threw a fit and refused to let her continue on in her role. We're going to try again sometimes next week and this time have her in on the interview process. I don't know if this will help because my mom has dementia and as a consequence of her disease cannot remember day to day events. Still we feel if we try and include her in the process it might help. Hopefully your mom does not have dementia and perhaps she would be more accepting of home health care or comfort care help if she were included in the hiring process. Good luck! And good vibes going your way.
Top Answer
You cannot control your Mother's behavior. You can control your own.

"Mother, I will not be doing the laundry and housecleaning here anymore. I will help you find a reliable homemaker to do those things."

"Mother, I can't be here more than 2 hours a day anymore. I will help you find an aid to come in some additional hours."

She'll say she doesn't want an aid or a homemaker. "But someone has to do those things, and it can no longer be me. Who is going to do your laundry when I stop, next month?"

Would bringing in an objective professional for Social Services to explain options to her help?

I am very sympathetic to your mother not wanting strangers in her house. It is very sad that she cannot have what she wants in that regard. It is sad that she cannot do her own laundry and cleaning and shopping and errands and on and on. But it is reality. And expecting you to do everything that she can no longer do is just not realistic.

I am putting this pretty harshly and I'm sure you would put it in sensitive, caring terms. But the bottom line is you cannot do 24/7 care and she needs 24/7 care. Some other arrangements have to be made.

Well, unfortunately I am here 24/7 This has also been my home for five years, and it is now in my name. I wanted some suggestions from people who may be in a similar situation. Matuse you seem to be in a similar situation. Luckily Mom does not have dementia. Unfortunately, that is one of the problems. She is sharp as a tack!
You need some respite care; and you deserve a life. Matuse and Jeanne had some good advice. Maybe, since she is sharp mentally you could do some of the things Jeanne suggested. I was told by professionals that even telling lies, which they refer to as (fiblets) are necessary in certain situations in order to get through to the person. Just a suggestion; even if you tell her you have some health problems and need help - would she be sympathetic? Sometimes they can surprise us.

The stress from 24/7 can cause you to develop stress induced health issues and you don't want that to happen, if it hasn't already. Hugs to you.
Tired: I think you need to tell your mom that you are tired and lonely. You need time away from the house and responsibilities in order to be happy. I hope you can explain that and I hope she will listen. At your age, your needs are different than hers, yet just a valid. Try to approach it from a point of your needs. At the same time, let her know that you care about her too.

Good luck,
Dear Tired:
I am in my moms home 24/7. She has dementia, but that doesnt make it that easy either. She is very spoiled and i wait on her all day. The only thing that keeps me going is that the next stop is AL. We are seeing the attorney about the money arrangements next. Does your mom pay you? When we had a problem once about money, i told her i would have to quit and get a job to pay my bills. That worked pretty well. Can you get a dr to write a note saying you are taking on too much? I guess all that remains as jeannegibbs says is to appeal to her motherly attributes. If one of my girls sincerely or tearfully told me she couldnt do all the work, i would gladly get someone else. Gosh, the only things i can think of beside these are illegal LOL! I am tired too. Good luck to you. Thinking of you Tired. Hugs. tonio
Being a caregiver is one of the hardest things to do. You love the person dearly, but as they become more dependent, it gets more frustrating and time consuming. It gets difficult to stay in good spirits about helping out. Don't neglect your own needs. You MUST take care of yourself in order to care for them. It's like the airplane oxygen scenario-- how can you help others if you don't have your oxygen mask on first? If she refuses to let strangers in the house, can you rely on other people within your network that she recognizes? Your siblings, long-time neighbor, church volunteers, grandkids, etc? Even if someone else could stop in for 3 hours, twice a week, it'd give you the time to recharge and get out of the house. Consider making a schedule with all available relatives to take shifts at the house. We are currently doing that with my grandmother. Several relatives have made up a monthly schedule and rotate between morning, afternoon, evening, etc. If there isn't a support system of people your mother knows, you'll simply have to seek professional help from venues like home health agencies, Senior Companionship programs (like those with Catholic Charities), nursing agencies or eventually hospice care in the home. Getting help from family or professionally will benefit not only your health and sanity, but help your relationship with your mother in the long run. You'll more likely enjoy the time you have together, instead of slowly growing to resent her for consuming your life.
2Tired: How old are you. I'm 63 and not getting any younger. My dad lives with us due to stroke. Give us a little more info about you. Do you have a job? What is your life like. You said the house in now in your name. More info would be helpful.

One of my clients' daughters got her mother to agree to me coming by saying I was a friend who had lost a job. She became MY helper, in that way, and it saved her dignity. I don't know if this little deception would work, but it's an idea. That small twist in the situation might do the trick.
2chicken? I'm an only child and caregiver for my mom. My problem is bring up important papers for ....if something, or ....when something happens, what her wishes should be! Starting with Health, then her house, car , bank accounts, annuities, etc.. I know there's papers for all this, but where do I start?

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