My mother wants my granddaughter as her caregiver but she can't move in. What do I do?

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My mother and I live in a 55+ community that will not allow children. My daughter has a young son and also has no place to take in my Mom. Both my Mom and my daughter are verbally abusing me and essentially making the caregiving situation very difficult. The house is owned by both my Mom and me. I would not approach the Association for special consideration because I don't want her living with me anyway. As half owner of this house, can my daughter force her way in here with a Court Order? Can I admit my Mom to an assisted living center if she doesn't want to go?

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You could be right, that your mother and your daughter are both bipolar or both have some other mental illness. That is certainly sad. I am sure that you wish the best for both of them, and if you could wave a magic wand and make them both well you would do it in a heartbeat, even if it meant a great amount of work and sacrifice on your part. But you cannot.

While my heart goes out to both of them, I also believe quite firmly that no one should allow themselves to be abused, whether the abusor is a vicous enemy or an ill relative. First, protect yourself. Carry your cell phone at all times. If either woman becomes physical with you again, dial 911. Sorry, but domestic violence is no less dangerous than stranger violence in a seculded park area. I love my husband who has dementia with all my heart and soul, but if the disease caused him to become violent, I would call 911. The same goes for another relative who is bipolar. I love him, I understand his lack of self control, but I will not take abuse from him.

It would be very sad to lose contact with your grandson. But how valuable is it to have the boy see his mother and his great grand mother belittle and abuse you? What kind of a meaningful relationship will that build? And there is always hope that if your daughter is ill she will at some point seek help and perhaps your relationship could be restored.

Aside from the rules against minors, is your house big enough to accomodate 4 people? Would the association allow 4 adults to live there, or are there rules about how many may occupy each unit? How many bedrooms do you have?

Where are your daughter and her son living now?
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This is certainly a complicated and painful mess.
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I appreciate all of your comments. Feels good to unload. She would like me to be gone. That's what she wants and then have my daughter move in which is what my daughter wants (because she got evicted from her apartment). I own 1/2 of this house; not my daughter. My mother can't understand that the condo assoc. won't allow my daughter to move in with her son and my daughter has convinced my mom that I'm being a mean mother because I won't let her live here. I just spoke to the condo assoc. There is no way they will approve the son living here. If a request is made to the Board, it has to be made by an owner. My daughter cannot put that up to the Board. She doesn't live here. My mother can but the Board won't do it over the phone and she's not really mobile. And I'm sure not. In the meantime, my Mother is mean and ugly and throwing things at me. One of the nurses witnessed it yesterday. My daughter is pushing me against the furniture and becoming physical. She continues to demean me in front of my mother and is causing great havoc. I take good care of my Mom despite all of the abuse. A restraining order has been mentioned and, Gold help me, I may have to do it against my own daughter which means I'll never see my grandchildren and they will never see their grandmother or great grandmother.
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May Mom has lost the chance of deciding what she wants to do if not AL than maybe a NH is where she needs to be -how long are you going to put up with her abuse-tell her if she does not straighten herself up you are gone-that might give her pause to think of her behaivor-my mother finally had one meltdown too many and now has to live with the fact her sil will not do everything she thinks she is entilted to and she is the loser and I am getting to the point I may not take her zingers too much longer.
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My mother has always been verbally abusive to me but it's been a lot worse since she took ill. It's my personal belief that both my mother and daughter are bipolar but refuse to be tested as they both are in a state of denial. I was not on speaking terms with my daughter for years but since Mom took ill, my daughter and I sort of "made up" so I could get some help in caring for Mom. My daughter's ultimate goal in all of this was to move in and take this house away. She recently got divorced and has no where to live so she's setting her sights on this house. She had a fit when she realized that my name was also on the Deed. She says nasty things about me to my Mom behind my back and has essentially created this whole hostile thing. I take very good care of my Mom and have sacrificed a great deal to give her that care. My website business is now gone because of the time I've had to spend with Mom. My Mom is now insisting she move in and be her full-time caregiver. And you're right. It is an awful situation. I would like to put her in assisted living because I can't take it anymore but I know she won't go. I just don't know if my daughter can get a Court Order and I be forced to have her here...with her son.
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But the bottom line is you do not want her there and if both your daughter and your Mother abuse you why would you let this take place and why is your mother being hard on you in the first place and with your nasty daughter being there it sounds awfull for you.
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No. The deed is in my name and my mother's name. My mom has no money to pay anybody anything other than her Soc Sec. She is on Medicaid. If she paid my daughter out of her Soc Sec, that would make her a paid caregiver. Are you saying she could quite conceivably move in if paid? As half owner of that house, I can't keep her out? Our Association says OK on over 18 as a caregiver but she has a pre-teen son. Our Association says no children under 18 unless with Board approval. I would think that I, as part owner of the house, would have say so in that.
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Was your mother planning on paying her for her care-if it is a 55yr old place it can only be done by sueing and you do not want your daughter there anyway-does your daughter own half of the house?
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Sorry. Headline should read "wants her grand daughter" rather than "my".
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