My mom refuses to be a caregiver for my father but then when I step in she resents anything I do to help my father. How do I deal with her behavior especially when she says she doesn’t want to do the things that I do?

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My mom refuses to be a caregiver for my father but then when I step in she resents anything I do to help my father. How do I deal with her behavior especially when she says she doesn’t want to do the things that I do?

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My parents 89 and 90 recently moved in with me. My mother does not want to cook or clean or do much of anything. She doesn't feel like it is her house, etc. I think she resents that I am doing all the things for my father that she used to do but no longer wants to do (she is still able to cook, clean, etc with some effort, but continually says over and over she doesn't WANT to cook.). So, I cook and clean and she sits and pouts?? How do I handle this? Dad seems perfectly content except for that Mom is not happy although she has a lovely house with a swimming pool that she wanted.

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This sounds exactly like my mil...she basically slept all day, even though she was physically healthy. Then, when anyone did something for my fil, she got upset. I could never figure it out. My fil spent many years alone, even though my mil was still alive. How sad.
I think the best thing to do is ignore the behavior. Remain upbeat and positive as you prepare the meals, etc. Ask your mom to do little things like chop veggies, etc. If she refuses, just go on about your business.
There may be some unresolved issue between your parents that you do not even know about and doing nothing is her way of "punishing" him....who knows??
Stay out of the fray. Please do not try and make your mom happy. No one can do that for her and you will be walking on eggs for the whole time they are there. Remember they are guests in YOUR home and it sounds like a lovely home....Lilli

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I can certainly relate to what you are going through and understand your frustration. The only things that have helped me with my mother involve minimal effort on her part physically. I have started telling her about non-vital things that worry me and ask her advice. Very often her advice is excellent. She truly needed to feel that she could still have some worth but just did not have the strength or desire to do housework. I have also asked to to write brief memories from her childhood or early married years so that our family can have them to share and remember. Last of all, we started learning a new craft together. Mom is happier which certainly makes everyone else happier! Best wishes, Rebecca

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Janne, I'd ask her what the problem is. Maybe she's feeling guilty every time you do something that she thinks she should be doing. If you think that's the case, give her guilty conscious a break by saying to her, 'mom you took good care of dad for all your life, why not relax and let me do this for you?'. Now this is providing that she really DID take care of your dad, but even if she didn't maybe it'll get the pout off her face.

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My mom refuses to be a caregiver for my father but then when I step in she resents anything I do to help my father. How do I deal with her behavior especially when she says she doesn’t want to do the things that I do?

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