My mom is 88, and refuses to do a will or Trust. This is a type of emotional blackmail. What do I do?
I have been the chosen child out of 3 children helping my mom for the last 15 yrs since my dad died (and trust me, I have done chores etc., that I would only do for my mom). I have gotten her to move into the house (with the mortgage) so she can be close to me, my sister (who is always busy), and her teenage granddaughter (who is also busy). I now live a mile from my mom and my sister lives 9 miles away. My sister and I have a less than authentic relationship but we are cordial and all of us do things at time for my mom and my niece (the grand - daughter). Several years ago my mom said that she wanted to leave me the most because I do the most for her. I never asked her for this. When she bought the house she is now living in - she started dangling this over my head saying she wanted to leave it to me and my husband to live in and then to give to her granddaughter. So we would pay the mortgage and preserve the house for her granddaughter and she BELIEVES this is leaving me something. I’ve tried
explaining this to her but it is hopeless. We don’t plan to move into her house, unless there was some unforeseen unfortunate event, and I have taken the stance if it makes her happy that she thinks she is doing something for me - fine. Problem is she continually puts off doing her will or Trust - because she is constantly scrutinizing anything I do or don't do and then tells me she doesn't want to go to a lawyer because she is evaluating her wishes. I have told her that SHE IS NOT giving me anything, that she can give whatever to whomever. She is also paralyzed by the decision of what to do in reference to this in regards to my brother who is on his third not speaking to her since my dad’s death..this time he has not spoken to her since Sept., and his wife has not spoken to my mom in 2 years. My sister has a cordial dinner relationship with my mom and is content with this as my mom has told her she is giving me her house with the mortgage. Since they just do short visits and dinner – my mom praises what a nice relationship they have compared to ours at this point, as it is strained, because it is not EASY helping my mom. My mom is really concerned about what goes to my brother as he has disappointed her so and has been so disrespectful. All of this is dysfunctional. At this point she cannot stand the thought of anything going to his wife. All this aside, my mom has been a good steward of her finances and I cannot seem to convince her she should protect them by going to an attorney - and that she can still change her mind in regards to the Trust at any time. She says if she changes her mind it will cost her again. She is resentful when I bring up going to a lawyer and says this is all I care about. I only bring it up like every 4 months. For her to say this to me – with all the caring I have tried to help provide her – this is incredulous to me. She also says that since all of us are the ones benefitting from what she leaves behind (especially me???) that I should pay the attorney for her Trust. Can anyone advise me what to do?
Do I just give up on it? How do I handle her thinking I am the one who benefits?? All of this, I have let, be crazy-making for me.