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Mom has Alz/Dementia and heart condition, osteoporosis and is depressed. She is very stubborn in her own way. Dad has probably numerous undiagnosed conditions, both psychological and physical. His mental capacity is diminishing in many ways but is incredibly agrumentatitve and difficult. He claims to understand her condition but continues to scold her because she can't prepare meals anymore and insists she is doing it on purpose. They have had a toxic relationship for years, even before the dementia and decline.

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Thanks for your quick reply. Unfortunately, he does not have any friends and has long ago stopped associating with any surviving members of his family. He is paranoid and does not really trust anyone. He finally let me take him to a doctor today (first time in over 20 years) but only because he has passed out numerous times recently and this probably scared him. He has high blood pressure for which he now has a prescription and the doctor ran a battery of tests. He's supposed to go back in two weeks but he may likely refuse. He is incredibly distrustful of doctors. The doctor told me privately that my father probably has hardening of the arteries. All of this of course complicates the already bad situation with my mother.

My mother's neurologist recently commented that we may need to involve adult protective services. I have alot of homework to do regarding this specific matter. Thanks again.
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Wow! What a tough spot you are in.

You can't realistically expect to fix a relationship that has been "toxic" for years. They've apparently chosen to live this way and accept the nature of their relationship, and choices have consequences.

If you think that your father's behavior is now interfering with good care for your mother, can you think of anyone who might intervene? (He is not likely to take you very seriously.) Does he have a good friend, a relative of his generation, a pastor, or a doctor who might be willing to sympathize with him about how hard it is to have a wife with dementia and then also gently urge him to get some in-home care for her?

Should the situation be reported to Adult Protection Services?
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