My mother pretends to be asleep and then jumps as if startled when we walk by. This happens 40 or 50 times per day. Is this normal?

Trying to "show her" by turning off TV or reason with her and expect her to respond normally is unbelievable. Whatever happened to respect your elders especially when they have no control over what is occurring in their brain? WHY would a caring person do this with someone who has a physical mental condition is beyond me. Perhaps your husband doesn’t know about Alz/dementia enough, is cruel or is in desperate need of mental health help. Yes, it can be excruciatingly annoying and frustrating at times. In order NOT to get to that point, look into respite (Home Caregiver can come in once in a while or regular basis to give you time off from her behavior.) You are not alone. Millions of people are dealing with these types of issues. If you take care of yourselves, you’ll be better equipped to take care of her properly. Good luck.

Where is she sleeping or pretending to sleep that you walk by her 40 or 50 times a day? On a couch? In a recliner? Could you provide her some place to watch tv where you don't have to walk by her so often? A tv in her room, perhaps? I don't really understand why this is so annoying to you or to your husband. So she sleeps or pretends to sleep in front of the tv. So? Why turn it off if you know this is going to annoy her? A wireless headset is a great solution if it is the sound of the tv you object to. It almost sounds as if you are trying to catch her at "pretending," Why? If she acts startled when she walks by, why not just say, cheerfully, "Sorry, Mom," and keep on about your business? If this is her only bothersome quirk (so far) and she has dementia, you should be grateful, not annoyed. If she has dementia, it is unlikely that this is a deliberate ploy to aggrevate you. Getting more information on what you can expect from a loved one with dementia may put things in perspective and give you all some peace.

As I read through the responses, so many offered practical advise to avoid the situation and with Alzheimer's/Dementia that is THE most practical advise!

Although it may seem like they are deliberately doing something, it more cases than NOT this is not the case. Even if it were the case, offering a quiet out of the way place for her to watch TV... or even just "to be" may be the solution. Its a fine line between interaction and ignoring them that all caregivers must navigate!

If I 'hovered' around my mother she would tell me to "GO AWAY!" If I left her to her room, she would cry and feel "neglected"! Since I wanted her to feel part of the action, and yet able to feel independent, it was a tight-rope act much of the time.

We ALL need to vent, and if that is the case, post a 'note' that says "I am just venting". That's easy to do! I always try to offer advise that will help the situation, but with Alzheimer's or any dementa "ALL BETS ARE OFF" since the mood can change from one minute to the next.

I would look into checking medications AND the possiblity of a UTI or other imbalance if this is NEW sudden behavior! Hydration is also another issue, so is diet! AND... don't forget to try to include them in activities that actual keep them "up and around"!

Clearly this could be just someone looking for attention (it happens a lot) or it could be the sign of something else. WE have to be proactive when we notice something changing. They can't change their behavior, WE can! God Bless, and hopefully I won't be chastised for speaking frankly!

Thank you EVERYONE for answering me. I think after one year with only a 4 hr break every 3 months when my brother comes, it is getting to me. I need to take a walk and get it together. Like a few of you said ... what does it matter to me if she has her eyes closed ... pretending or not? She is not bothering anyone. I just wish I was more patient these days.

Wow...jeannegibbs...sounds like poster just needed to vent. My mom has annoying habits also, and if I can just vent them to someone, I feel better and can move forward.

MiaMadre

Yes, just say venting. We all do this and it surely helps. I couldn't agree with you more on your 4th paragraph. We have experienced 4 mood changes already today and it isn't even noon.

Also, I am not one to "sugar coat" anything. Facts are facts and I commend you for speaking frankly. I know it helps me.

Also, just wanted to say one more thing about speaking frankly. One of my dogs (know this isn't human stuff) has just been diagnosed with Type I diabetes. Of course, we have to try and regulate her insulin, food, water etc. Just an example, I guess of speaking frankly so that I can do the right thing. My husband has the dementia and he imagines all kinds of stuff going and is always wanting me to call the vet. I do have a lot to learn and all seems to be working so far even if he doesn't understand. I have been given lots of info and spent an hour in consultation with the vet which was so helpful. We are only into our first week of this so things could change rapidly. I have already taken a BIG does of patience with my husband to help him understand best he can what is going on.

I am really having trouble being a caregiver and I am not the most patient person on earth. I am learning though. God Bless you too. As always everyone is in my prayers each day.

I have cared for many people with some form of dementia or alzheimers for 17 years.I have seen this behavior often....depending on the area of the brain effected the noises or sudden movements can cause overstimulation and create great confusion and fear. Percetions are off...they may confuse one object with something else, may be unable to tell things apart, may not understand what they see or hear-could lead to suspiciousness or fear, may lose ability to recognize familiar sensations (pain, thirst), may have problems with depth perception and judging distance, might not recognize an object for what it is (hair brush). I hear your frustrations....just consider the idea this may not be a diliberate act on your mothers part....however I do and can relate to the frustration this causes when it is in your home day in and day out. I hope you can take time for you and your husband away from the daily caring for your mom. Maybe your like many of us who have to give yourself permission! Praying for you!

The startle reflex is not uncommon in patients with dementia. It is usually triggered by sound. There is a good chance your parent is not playing, but having a brain reaction she cannot control.

Ics, I don't know this particular experience, but I do know the frustration of trying very hard to do everything I can think of and still not being able to "get it right" and help the loved one. This is not your failure -- it is the disease process. Especially those of us who are problem solvers by nature and maybe by profession have a hard time bumping against a problem we can't solve. I've learned not to give up. Your talking to your husband from a distance as you approach him was a good try and probably helps at least some time. But I've also learned (sort of, it's hard) not to take lack of success as a personal failure.

Getting dementia diagnosed in the very early stages can be very helpful. For one thing, all of drugs aimed at dementia seem to work best in the early stages. Might as well get as much value from them as we can! For another, it is very helpful to the caregiver to find out as much as possible about the type of dementia that is suspected, so we know what to expect, perhaps learn some stratedgies for coping with various behaviors, and we can stop beating ourselves up for not getting it right. Also, certain drugs make certain kinds of dementia worse, so the sooner doctors realize the patient has a dementing condition the safer for all concerned. If your husband has dementia, finding out soon won't change the dementia, but it can help the situation in various ways. It sounds like you have had some up close and personal exposure to dementia. Another frustrating aspect is that no two people have exactly the same symptoms in the same order and same severity. Even people diagnosed with the same kind of dementia will differ in their symptoms. So if Mother and Grandfather and Husband all have dementia, they will have lots of similarities but lots of differences, too.

In my opinion (and I don't have any professional credentials as an opion giver) it might be useful to start tracking in a notebook all the behaviors and sympoms that are out of the ordinary or that you think might indicate dementia. It sounds like your husband must have doctors he sees frequently. Discuss your notebook with his PCP and ask if a referral to a specialist is in order. Maybe the doctor will have other explanations for some of the symptoms -- drug side effects, symptom of one of the diseases he is known to have had, etc. That could put your mind at ease somewhat. Or maybe the doctor will agree that it is worth pursuing further.

Best wishes to you as you continue to do your best for your husband, even when you can't seem to "get it right."

The most important thing is take steps NOW to take care of yourselves. I waited too long and I am getting depressed and sad over all of this, but help is now coming with Respite and they will help us to understand and help....I can hardly wait...Do not wait as long as I did...It is not good on your helath or marriage. And she does not understand..truly...But take care and God Bless...call your local area agency on aging and get help now...HUGS