How do we care for my mother-in-law's in home care medical needs when my father-in-law tries to discontinue it?

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My mother-in-law was recently discharged from the hospital with a leg ulcer and is receiving 24 hr. home care. My father-in-law is finding fault with the care and wants it discontinued which is behavior he exhibits in most situations, wanting to control things and looking at his needs first; not wanting people around. She does not want to go to a nursing facility and puts his needs above hers, often suffering. We've offered that she come live with us, but she's afraid of his response and says no. We do not have power of attorney to meet her needs due to his not allowing her to. Any suggestions?

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The sad part is that sometimes these dysfunctional relationships affect one partner badly, but they are so used to living that way it is never challenged. I don't know what you can do. You could, of course, get social services involved. But things could get messy, so you'd need to discuss that with your husband and see if it's worth it.

It's probably moot to ask, but would suggesting another care agency to your FIL do any good? Say, suggesting that since he doesn't like this one, maybe another would be better? It sounds like he will make trouble over any of them, as he doesn't want people around at all. Then, the only way to force it, if you MIL won't speak up, is for a third party with some authority.

This is tough to watch but, unfortunately, not that unusual, especially with couples of that generation.

You are kind to be worried, but assuming there is no diagnosed mental illness or dementia with your FIL, you may be limited in what you can do.


Carol

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