My Mother lies about me, but she doesn't do this to my brother. Is this a symptom of early dementia?

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She has no empathy for my feelings and tries to leave me out. She tries to leave me out of POAs, bank accounts, etc. I have read that this can be the first signs of dementia. I also, have read she could be a narcissist (this I feel to be true). I have not talked to her in two months because of a lie she told that just crossed the line. Now she is telling my neighbor I want control of her money and financial stuff. She is 80 and has all the signs of narcissism and always has. But I do wonder if she is now getting dementia, lying is the only symptom she has.

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My mother, a life long A1 narcissist, has always lied. She would complain to me or my enabler father about someone hurting her and expect us to take that person to task while she sat back, played the victim, and enjoyed the show. In a NH, she lies to this day.

Last time I visited I took her some of those Laughing Cow little cheeses. When an aide came in she offered her one, which the aide declined ... they will accept nothing from residents. Said the aide "Oh, she's so sweet, she's always offering us stuff". In the meantime my mother is always whining that they steal her stuff, hurt her etc. Of course I totally ignore it. She only does it for attention and, even though she's had increasing dementia for years (recently starting to hallucinate) the evil manipulation is as strong as ever.
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I am experiencing the same delimna with my mother, but she has been diagnosed with dementia 2 yrs ago but now seems to be getting worse from week to week. She's 89, in a facility for care. No one in my family speaks to me anymore ( sisters,neices,sons, aunt/uncle) as she tells them the most horrible things about me. I don't take it personal as I've been living with her slanderous lies my whole life, but she now has started to tell other people these things. What concerns me is the lack of critical thinking among those she lies to and how this is causing the whole family to be fractured and split. No one seems to question what she say except me and if I don't agree she says there has always been something wrong with me. It' sad to watch he deteriorate. She agreed to have her step-daughter have POA, let her take all her furniture (antiques/collectibles of considerable value), the other step-daughter has all the china/crystal/silverware, while her grandson has emptied her bank account. I tried speaking to har Dr. but he seems to blow me off as some unstable, malicious person. I speak to her not too often as she becomes quite demeaning and verbally nasty. When I do, I remain civil and keep our interactions short. We all live in different states all over the US, except the one with the POA, who is about a mile from her. It's just sad to see the greed, gullibility, ignorance that is happening. I'm not concerned with myself and the lies, just what the behavior is doing to the rest of the family.
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Your comments have all been helpful to me as I have been the "evil one", run ut of town, come back to be her caregiver and am going for guardianship. My family hates me and mom at times does also, but I am doing the best that I can. When she is away from their influence she is more stable and kind. I know I have a rocky road ahead and I am totally stressed at times and alone. My court date comes up soon and I am trying to hang in there. Your comments have been amazing!
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Yes she lives with my husband and me for 2 years now. Her dr does not know the extent of her drinking. She has diabetes, dementia (has been worse in past year), high cholestrol, has had open heart surgery, high bp. I dont understand how her liver or kidney is not affected. Worse part is it is difficult to help someone who is not willing to help themselves..her drinking makes everything 100x worse. Her latest drama is she told my SIL that my husband and I beat her and her last visit to the hospital was cause we beat her, when it was for blood in her stool (diagnosis -hemorrhoid). SIL obviously knew this was not true. She also told my SIL that we bug her phone and her room and the entire basement. Any advise My husband still travels a lot but our house is up for sale and plan to move to KC within the next few months (yes she will be coming along). appreciated. I have already upped my anxiety meds.
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libra - I am so sorry. Is this recent? Mine "sings" elder abuse quite often . Mostly it means anything that doesn't go her way. So far it has not really been directed at me, but would not surprise me if it was one day, or if my sister was involved. What a dreadful way to treat a famly member who is caring for you. I trust that it is a storm in a tea cup, but very hurtful nonetheless. How are you?
guamgal2009 - does her doctor know about the drinking? Does your mil live with you? Has she been assessed?
frustrated - you are what I call the black sheep - the scapegoat. It is hard, I know, especially when other family members get "a pass" as you put it. Being "being 'more of who she is" is what I see too. All the bad behaviours are still there.
Madge - What I have seen in my mother is that her paranoia has increased to the point of being quite "crazy" at times. Other than that, the other behaviours are the same, though she does not rage as much as she did many years ago, but then she has lived on her own for years, and I think that is the biggest factor. It does not take her long to get angry when she is around people. I think living on her own has been good for her, I always felt that once my father died her life would improve as she was so antagonistic to him - not that he deserved it.
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I am the oldest of 5 (we range in age from 56-42). I live in SE., next oldest brother (clearly the favorite, acknowledged by all of us lives in the West Coast, and the other three literally within a few miles if not blocks of my parents in the Midwest). Unlike so many families, being the oldest means nothing in this family. In fact, I am really treated by my mother as more of her "competition" than her daughter (this has always been the case and she has said many nasty, untrue things about me to others in the family as well as outside of it). I have been castigated for not, for example, flying out to visit my brother during a time when I was a single mom supporting 3 kids and with little vacation time, but he has never been to see me! He has gotten a pass all of his life; different rules apply.
My mother is no doubt a person with NPD. She triangulates, is very dramatic, married my dad at 17 and he always babied and coddled her, she never worked in her life (ok, for about 6 months when they first got married) and likes to sing the praises of being a 'stay at home' mom but she had weekly cleaning ladies, tons of help from my grandmother and from me (she used to say she only had me to take care of the other kids and I really believe her!) and had a huge spending allowance just for her whims. My father indeed has created a monster and his version of loyalty has always been to 'side with my wife', leaving me vulnerable to her persecution whenever she sees fit. I have always had such an independent spirit and really never have trusted her (for good reason - I was very close to my grandmother, who felt always more like the mother she wasn't but she died when I was in my 30's so I have been verbally at my mother's mercy ever since). Both my parents like to bring up 'how much they helped' me when I was divorced and although I expected nothing and knew it was my job to take care of myself and my kids (my ex paid little child support - was self employed and played that to the fullest), they did help - a little bit. Nothing near really what I have done for my own kids with much fewer resources. In my opinion, this is just what parents do. I don't really know what they want from me! My mother is really downright hateful to me, and she manipulates her cry baby act so that now, after she instigated a fight and I told her to back down and laid down ground rules almost a year ago, she has most of my siblings telling me how much she misses me. She has always treated me differently, as if having someone to kick gives her the release she needs to be nice to everybody else.
I have heard from my siblings that they think she is 'losing it'. (I can only dream! Maybe she would be nicer!). I don't think so. She has never had to be responsible for herself or her actions and although I think she is getting a little more absent minded I would not say that I can notice anything more than being 'more of who she is'. She seems to still be an expert manipulator and her targets - usually me - and actions seem mostly pretty calculated.
I have a hardened heart toward her mainly for self protection. I don't hate her and if I were the only person left to care for her I would keep her safe, monitor her treatment in a nice place and visit her some times. But she has beat me to death emotionally to the point that I feel really nothing.
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Add to all the above to my situation with my MIL...She drinks a minimum of at least 6 oz of Jack Daniels EVERY night.
Any advice there?
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All narcissists lie......be prepared that she might report you for elder abuse as mine did......good luck to you
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Madge - this is such a tough situation... I feel for you, my grandma did this to my uncle. The poor man, he was hurt deeply over all kinds of terrible accusations. It's as though she forgot his true honest and kind nature completely. The family knew better and he had a lot of support from us but it was still hurtful. If you can seek counseling to help you vent and learn to let it go perhaps that
s best..There's no shame in deciding to take care of yourself over something this hurtful. I'm sure you're good to your mom and honest, but I can see both sides...In some cases it's necessary to "edge out one kid because they just cannot be trusted. I have a brother - a total narcissist and sociopath - he thinks there is absolutely nothing wrong with him and that he should handle all of mom's affairs. He complains to anyone who'll listen about how I'm the favorite and I manipulated my mom into making me her PoA. He is convincing because he's convinced himself that his lies are true. Never mind that my brother has gone through four bankruptcies, that he "borrowed" so much money from his in-laws that their 401(k)s are empty or that he's lost homes and cars because he can't pay his bills....
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I am a hairdresser and the shop has been in business for over 50 years. I been working there for 20. We have 4 generations in same families as long time customers. So in a way I have seen alot of this, and without realizing it, I was gaining knowledge about the elderly and what happens as they age. Then I put this all to use when It came to my Mom, who has dementia(age 73 at present) . My Mom also was always quite odd and my family disfunctional, luckily my Dad kept us secure and divorced her probably to keep his sanity. Anyway I was always her favorite I am the youngest my sister the middle and my brother the oldest with a learning disabilty. Well sister helped her until she got to hard to deal with so she was then the favorite because she didn't do anything that ment disturbing Mom's independance. Then I became the bad guy because I did what was needed, took her to Drs, made her eat right, gave her horrable pills, cleaned her house etc. I disrupted Mom's world. When I saved Mom from herself, I was doing the right thing but I became to her the one that stole her stuff was poisoning locked her up etc. I had to do what it took to keep her safe and healthy and functional. I ignored her comments and my sisters unwillingness to help and just did it. She is now in a NH and I have no guilt because other wise she'd be in harms way. I visit and stay ontop of all nessasary in her care and I know Mom knows I am the one who cares eventhough she tells me to leave her alone when I visit. I know this because she trys to get my sister and my aunt to take her out of there, but wont ask me. That I take as a compliment because she may not understand or remember clearly but she knows" I" will not give up on her, I see right thru her and deep down she trusts that, but it dosen't stop her from testing me. Like a 2 year old needs to be protected and acts up when his Mom won't let him do something harmful. It is for their own good and even if he hates you or screams for sympathy you don't give in for Love's sake! It is all a test for security and Love!
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