DILinOK Asked December 2010

My 86-year-old MIL lives with us and she refuses to wear depends. We're constantly having the carpet cleaned and there is fecal matter in the washer! What can we do?

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I feel that this is unfair to myself, my husband, our 5 year old daughter and my mother, who also lives with us! When I confront her about it (nicely) she cries and says this is so embarrassing to her, yet she does not change. It is ruining my carpet, furniture and mental health! My husband will not intervene as he made a deathbed promise to his father that his mom would not go to a home! I am 33, own two businesses and am at my wits end! Any advice is appreciated!

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gheppe Mar 2011
As a Gerontologist I am concerned that your MIL is cognitively impaired and then giving her an ultimatum will do absolutely no good. Replacing her underwear with incontinence products is a wonderful idea, but do not be surprised if she comes in wearing no underwear! Possibly assisting her to get dressed or hiring an aide from a home care agency that would help her, and encourage her to wear a product would do the trick. If she is memory impaired, remember fear is her driving agent, and anything new is a cause to be afraid. I would also say as you are helping her to dress, I have been wearing these new underwear and I would like you to try these and see what you think. Protective waterproof sheets should be on your chairs, the bed and on the floor around where she sits. You are doing a true labor of love, but there are limits and just so you and your husband know, the number one reason for placement is incontinence! No one's home should smell of human waste - if she moved to a facility they would have her wearing the product immediately - !!!! If she is not memory impaired, then it is time to set the limits about the conditions under which she can remain in your home.
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I am going through the exact same thing with my FIL.My Husband and I are his caregivers.We have 2 children 10 and 9 and we find it hard to even leave the house.He has had the urine problem for awhile but has started to mess on himself and the floor(fecal) in the last 2 weeks and says hes never hungry.I promised I would never put anyone in a nursing home or assisted living faciltiy but I feel like we have to live too.Of his 11 children we are the only ones that do anything.I feel for you and hope you can find a solution to your problem.
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Jsomebody Mar 2011
My idiot grandfather actually said once something about an old guy from like 70 years ago being taken care of by a woman who was "Full Blooded Cherokee Squaw..." The way he said it, as I rolled him down to get his hair cut....Forget it old man, when you start living like an infant you are going to a Nursing Home, a Hoya lift won't fit in your bedroom and I am not gonna watch you make my mother sick with you Nursing Level care needs! She loves him she took him in four years ago, but there is no rule that says you have to kill yourself to care for an elderly family member!
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BonnieO Feb 2011
I am having the same issue with my Dad who is 82. I decided that I have cleaned up the last trail of poop from him today. Tomorrow we are having a serious discussion. He will either wear the depends or move to a skilled nursing facility. He is very selfish and thinks that women should cater to his every whim. I am not my mother, I am doing the best I can and he can make this small sacrafice or move on. I don't mean to sound cruel, but sometimes enough is just enough. Good Luck
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(1) Next time she poops or pees all over the place, LEAVE IT THERE, show it to your husband and tell hiim that HE can clean up the mess if he refuses to allow her to go into a "home." I bet if he had to clean up the poop himself, he'd change his tune. After all it's HIS mother - not yours! As long as you keep enabling him by cleaning up after HIS mother, the situation will never change.

(2) in the meantime, get rid of all of her underpants, replace ALL of her underwear with Depends and refer to them as "briefs." This is what she will have to wear - end of story.
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Times have changed, these situations are what Nursing Homes and Assisted Care Centers are for. You have enough to do without this huge stress on you and your family. Even without the problem of her urinating all over your house, she shouldn't be living with you. Elderly people are way too much care and it's way to hard on the family especially if you have kids. I couldn't do it. No way. It's just not expected of you. You should never be made to feel guilty either. If my son doesn't put me in assisted living or a nursing home at about age 70, I'll have his head! He know's that there is no way he is to take care of his parents. He can come visit and bring me cookies once in a while, but that's it. He won't be changing my poo poo pads that's for sure!
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Jsomebody Dec 2010
yucka and my Pug just had bladder surgery...man no more stress please....
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vstefans Dec 2010
Ha, good one. No, its the same stuff as Deflux, that is used to prevent urinary reflux (urine going back up towards the kidneys instead of out of the baaldder) by injecting it around where the ureter goes into the bladder. Now, just to avoid potneial confusion at the doctors office on future visits - because I have had to correct my husband on the same thing- a diuretic does not cause diarrhea, it causes increased urine output to help get excess fluid out.
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Jsomebody Dec 2010
Most be the opposite of Olestra...that wonder oil for potato chips low call and a diuretic...
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vstefans Dec 2010
Hey - if we can take a break from the male versus female stuff here (and I personaly know men who fit the stereortype and men who are WONDERFUL caregivers...) - there is apparently some breaking news - there is an injectable called Solesta that may significantly help fecal incontinence - see http://www.aboutincontinence.org/site/news-events/news/industry-news/solesta
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