joyceloney Asked June 2010

Mu mother is in assisted living and keeps telling me she wants to die. She says "I hope your children don't put you away like this." What do I do?

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castoff Jul 2010
sylvester18,
Is that why you had children???? WRONG REASON!!!!!!
Did you raise your own servants??? Maybe you should re-examine your motives. I can imagine you'll be a real handful when you are old.
I'll be praying for your children & hope you don't destroy their lives on your way out.
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If life " is hard, cruel, but we can't do anything about it', then we might as well all just throw in the towel and roll over and die. I TOTALLY disagree with that statement.
Family is family, and family members should be ASHAMED of themselves to place a family member in a place where they will not be taken care of as good as they would be at home with family members. People need to remember, unless an elderly person is completely out of their minds, they STILL know what face they are looking at truly loves them. And they know that they love them. Just because a person gets old doesn't mean they are not the same person in their soul, spirit. People seem to forget that all those years of these same elderly people donated time, money, more time and more money, and more time and more money to raise these people who now just refuse to sacrifice any of their own time and or money to return just a small portion of the care the parent gave them. If your Mother is complaining about being in the place she is in, you need to investigate it FURTHER and see WHY she is feeling this way. It may be she is being mistreated by someone else, or maybe she isn't being visited enough by her own family. Let's put it this way, if I am put away in a place with strangers when I am old, ALL of my assets go to a CHARITY of my choice, NOT to any of the people who placed me in a nursing home. People will probaly resond and say that I am being unfair or selfish, NO, I am expecting family to be there for me as I have been there for them and have now been given the entire load of taking care of my Mother when I have two siblings who do not help do anything.
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jvackine Jul 2010
I am an RN in a nursing home, and watched as a family listened to their mother insist she was going to kill herself if they left her in there. They were patient and kind, and we spent a lot of time helping her get reacquainted with old friends in the facility. One day she said to me "I hope whoever put me in here dies!" I was thrilled with that statement, as was her family, because it was a transfer of anger, and a sign of her accepting her situation. They said their mother was always mad at someone or something - the President, the Landlord, the Tax Man - always someone who had some kind of control over her, and knew someday it would be them.
It is hell to get old, but the ones who thrive in long term care are the ones who manage to develop new relationships within the facility, whether it be another resident or a staff member, particularly if they are resentful of family members who are "on the outside". Our secretary's dog has attached herself to a "grumpy old man" in our facility, and visits him daily. The Social Services girl has provided him with a bag of treats for his new friend. His attitude has mellowed considerable for this simple new relationship.
If your mother has resigned herself to make you miserable for her situation, so be it. She survived your teenage years, so consider it payback. But see if you can find someone she could develop a new relationship with. Community churches are a wonderful resource with loving people willing to spend some time with your mom.
As far as our suicidal old woman, the other day she told her son "I'm mad at you because you never come see me often enough!" He was so happy, he left with tears in his eyes, knowing his mom was happy where she was and back to her same old complaining.
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Eddie Jul 2010
JOYCE:

If she's in AL, it means she can get around on her own but may need help with some activities of daily living. It's not the end of the world unless the AL is like a Purgatory. Lines like "I want to die" and "I hope your children don't put you away like this" are designed to flip the script on you and pour on the guilt until you can't take it anymore and bring her home with you. And if she was a nitpicking handful before the AL, she'll continue making you feel guilty for having "put her away."

Tell her you understand the AL isn't the Hilton, but the bottom line is that you can't take her home, she needs assistance that you can't provide, and that this is all there is so she better make the best of it. If she wants to argue the point, stand your ground and say "Mom, we're not having this conversation. ... Period."
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joyceloney Jul 2010
thank your all for your support. Husband is in hospital now, so I have not been able to respond to each of you. But I do appreciate everything and will try to add some input later

Thank you all
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castoff Jul 2010
A period of adjustment is in order. She will make new friends and become comfortable eventually.
In the meantime......make her new space as much as you can HER space. Bring as much of her stuff into the area as safely possible. She will feel more comfortable surrounded by her own things. Art is important!!! Photos & nick nacks are important!!! Ask her where she wants them placed & how to arrange them.
As she makes friends; tell her to have them into her apartment to visit. She can throw a party (small) with your help. Find out about the activities there & try to get her involved. Have her invite her friends from her last home over to see her "new place".
Use your imagination & come up with your own ideas to help the transition.
She will continue to complain until she feels comfortable. You would too.
I don't like my mom often myself. It's all part of the caregiver thing but we press on. My mom can be as mean and hateful as anyone could be, but we try again the next day to be pleasant and helpful. They get very selfish and even abusive sometimes. You need to set boundaries as far as what you will & will not put up with. Try not to take it personally. They will tug at your heart strings if you let them.
Praying for us.
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joyceloney Jul 2010
Thank you all for your comments and suggestions. It is really helpful to know that you have been there and can relate to what I am going through. it is a day to day process and I feel frustrated and angry some days, I pity her some days, I love her some days, I don't love her so much other days. (No, I love her always)-- but I don't like her some days. Some days I can't get it off my mind, some days I can. Today was a better day. I have to feel ( and my other siblings have to feel) like we are doing what is best for her. She makes that hard sometimes. She doesn't understand and wants things to be the way they used to be. We cannot make that happen, but that is so hard to tell someone. Especially your mother. Thank you all again for your help. I really appreciate it.
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Tulipdog Jun 2010
You might try and see if she has specific complaints. It might be that a change could be made there that would help her or it might turn out that it isn't the best place and you could find a better one. My grandmother was first in a home that looked lovely - but it turned out the care wasn't the best. Then we put her in a home that did not have the most up to date facilities but the people were terrific and that made a huge difference.
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IsabelCares Jun 2010
Emerald4Me, it sure is not easy for anyone, be it our parents, or us as caregivers. Life is hard for sure.
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Emerald4Me Jun 2010
I would take those statements much like a 2-year-old not wanting a nap: it is good for them even though they don't want it. You and your siblings (do you have siblings) could not care for her. She could not live alone, that had become dangerous. Wether she likes it or not, it was the best decision for her circumstances. If you do have siblings, bring them into it. When she says something like that again say "All of your children thought this was best because you could no longer live at home because of ......" Or you are just going to have to ignore her outbursts. Not easy.
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