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I take care on my mother in law at great lose to my husband's business. I am POA for my mother in law, so i started to take a salary to recoop some of the lose. The brothers freaked and so did my mother in law ( very loudly and very rudely)and demanded I stop taking the money.(so i stopped) They all insist I do it for free, but I can't. They said that they found a way to help her... Se has mild dimentia so she thinks she can do things and can't. The biggest thing she won't do is bath. I tried to explain that the 5 days a week I spend with her is for love but the bathing i have to charge for. Back to the help they found for her... they told me, and, she told me she could bath herself. One of my brother in laws would take her once a week to get her hair done. Well two weeks after "the meeting" No hair done, no bath. So I went back to the routine...by and by....I try to bath her twice a week...she refuses. She lives alone in a house I remodeled for her after a flood, and doesn't drive she has no friends and doesn't want any stangers in the house.. So I do everything...It would be easier to have her live with us but I have a 800 sqft house with two teenagers, myself and my husband. There is simply no room, her house is bigger...I'm not moving...I can't leave her to fend for herself. The one son takes her on holidays(lives out of state) and other visits once a week and takes her to breakfast (with her about an hour or less). I don't know what to do. In the last "meeting" One of the brothers threatened to "hurt us so deeply we will never recover".....unfortunely that is already happening a major guilt factor is i am so busy trying to do everything with out help i haven't had a chance to document all that i've done it's all snowballing out of control,,,actually sending this thread is setting me back even further, but mentally I'm useless at this point... got any advise?

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Oh my, I wouldn't do anything for her...she's not your mom. First, I wouldn't have the responsibility of having POA when she has living children who should be in charge of her money. You are an outsider to the brothers as they have shown you by not letting you be compensated. They do not respect nor trust you. Give the POA to one of the brothers or even your husband. After you are free of the POA, you can refuse to help her anymore, leave her unshowered and hair undone...who cares, it is what she wants...right? Let her sons worry about her. Get yourself a job outside of the home, you will feel better about yourself and you can work towards being more independent. Stand your ground and see what happens. This cannot be good for your relationship with your husband. He should stand up for you and if he doesn't....well that is just stupid. DO NOT BE A DOORMAT! Why are you obligated to do this? What are these boys going to do when she can't live alone anymore? My mother had mild dementia 8 years ago when she moved in with us because she could not longer live alone....she now wears depends, throws tantrum and sleeps all the time and needs 24 hour monitoring. What are you going to do when you are made to clean your MIL's sh*tty diapers and you don't have any money to get your own hair done? You will be furious and this will not end well, so do something now. I realize that you are doing this for your husband but the resentment will be far too great as time goes on and you will want to leave your husband if you are not compensated for this task (you may want to leave, even if you are paid!). Thank your lucky starts that she has not moved in under your roof. Ok, I have gotten my rant out in the open! Your brothers in law are already disenchanted with you for trying to pay yourself so what is it going to hurt if you refuse to do any more free work? Good luck and remember, I am on your side and think you should be happy in this life we have. I have my own issues in that my mother doesn't have any money to pay me and we cannot find a decent medicaid bed for her. Although I love my mother, it has not been easy on my children or husband to have had to share the craziness of a demented person over the last 8 years. I do believe we are all shell shocked at this point but each day we carry on! Smiles and hugs...take care of YOU!
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You are being used. Stand up for yourself. And what about your husband? Does he take up for you? This is her "sons" responsibility and you have somehow been sucked into this. And never, ever, let a BIL threaten you. If he does it again, go to the police. Just terrible.

And if your husband, her son, wants you to take care of his Mom, it is perfectly acceptable for you to be paid. I have a friend who quit her job, stayed home with her Mom and was paid by her Mom. Mom didn't want to go to a nursing home. They had a very loving relationship their entire life. Her Mom was happy to help her out as she was helping out her Mom. And by the way, Maybe a nursing home is a possibility too. Just remind her.

Let us know what happens, this just makes me angry. Take care of yourself.
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I agree with many of the posts here. I also agree with Mayasbop who asked if you got permission to charge your mother-in-law, prior to writing yourself a check. If you didn't, then you made a mistake.

The best thing to do is admit that openly to all concerned and explain that you are not in a financial position to work for free. It sounds like you simply can't afford to and there is no shame in that.

The brothers should check into the cost of in-home care or assisted living. If in fact you still are willing to help with your MIL's care, let them know what you need financially. They can make the comparisons and they can make the decisions.

You need to set your boundaries and decide what you and your family need to survive. Your MIL can be gracious and understand that everyone, not just her, needs a roof over their heads. Or she can take a different course and let her sons figure out the best alternative solution.

Personally, I would not want to be tied to anyone who threatened to "hurt us so deeply we would never recover." That is a big red flag and one that would seriously cause me to change course.
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Please read and re-read Mommaq's post. She may sound harsh to some but it is real and good advice. The thing with the BIL's not trusting you is a deal breaker. Just say no, you don't have to do this. Your husband is either going to defend you or be mad at you. If he is mad at you and you continue to care for his Mom under these circumstances, you will be mad at him. A no win situation. He may actually admire you for standing you for yourself.

I would love to know more of the dynamics of this family. Good Luck
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Presumably she also raised your husband's brothers for free and out of love. So how come the entire burden rests on just one of her sons? And how come that entire burden got passed on to you?

If she is still legally competent to make decisions, it is up to her whether she wishes to hire your services. Having POA only kicks in if she can't legally make her own decisions. She can decide whether she wants to hire you or not. You can decide whether you want to work for her or not. Neither of you can be forced into doing something you decide not to do.

I suggest that you go back to whatever you were doing that prevented great loss to your husband's business. Get your own financial affairs back in order. Contribute as the rest of the family does, for free and out of love. For example, you could take her out for breakfast one day a week, and perhaps also have her over for some holidays. That should be fair, right?

If she has money, she should be using it for her own care. If she doesn't have enough money for her own care, her sons should be looking into how she can qualify for some financial aid, such as elderly waiver programs or medicaid. If you feel that she is at risk because she really cannot be as independent as she thinks she can, try once more to convince all of her sons that something needs to be done. If nothing happens, contact social services. You cannot, as a caring person, just let her fend for herself. But that very definitely doesn't mean you personally have to take care of her.

She doesn't have to pay you.

You don't have to work for free (or even for pay, if you don't want to).

If everyone calms down and you decide you do want to work for you MIL in a caregiver capacity, get a lawyer involved, get everything in writing, and keep records.
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My heart goes out to everyone who has posted here. Where is the humanity within our families. God bless each and everyone of you who do your best to make another person's life worth living. God bless you for trying to give them as sense of safety, comfort and love. I pray we can all find our own comfort among the storms.
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If you have had to leave a job or cut back on the hours you work because you are caring for your MIL than you should be compensated for your loss wages and any other misc. expenses. Keep receipts of all purchases you make for your MIL maintain a log for your mileage to include destination. stops etc. Should you BIL's not like how you are caring for THEIR Mother THEY can always take her home with them. It would appear they are more concerned that an inheritance than they are with the care of their Mother. I am also concerned as to how your husband responded to the threats made by his brother/bothers? Did he defend you? Did he sit back and say nothing? What exactly are his thoughts on the subject? It is important that the two of you are on the same page.
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Thank you for recognizing my good advise! I am really a sweet person, but know how things can go and how some caregivers cannot stick up for themselves...I may be a doormat with 20/20 hindsight! :)
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Bless you for seeing a need and trying to help. But you must take care of the caregiver (You!) Good advise Jennegibbs. She had to sign you on as the POA and presumably the rest of the family knew that at the time. Caregiving is not a required duty of a POA. It only gives you the power to make health related decisions IF she is incompetent, or if you are a DPOA (durable) to make financial decisions. No, that didn't give you the right to decide on your own to pay yourself. With developing dementia she probably is frightened! And does not want to admit it. That often is the reason elders don't want to take a bath - the fear of falling. Are there safety bars and a bath seat or tub bench and shower hose? If money for safety equipment is an issue contact Visiting Nurses, VFW, the church, senior center, etc. often they have loaner equipment. The senior center (every county has one - part of Area Agency on Aging) should be able to help you find a bath aide, . Trained people who confront these situations all the time. It will be worth it twice a week. The BIL will think so to if she "decides" not to have a bath for a couple of weeks.
I have found that as people lose their ability to do things they often try to cover that out of fear that family with take away their independence, no longer respect them, or treat them like a child. Make her environment as safe as possible, provide her with nutrition and necessary medication and let her make her own decisions even if you don't lilke her choices. You can be there when you need to for her safety, but don't try to tell her what to do or do things for her.
Most important is for the family to understand what she is like. If they are only with her for an hour or so a week it is possible she is at peak performance for them and her behavior conflicts with the picture you provide. Take time off, have them spend "real" time with her.
Contact your local Senior Center; most of them have support groups for caregivers just like you and there may be other free services. Our Senior Center has an elder law attorney available to consult with.
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One more thing, the attorney who wrote up her estate trust and the POA is not the attorney you want to go so. He/she works for your MIL not you. See a different attorney.
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