My 85 year old mother came home from the senior center with a man she wants to date who is only 65, what should I do?

Follow your gut, if something feels wrong, then it is.... I would be suspcious too... you have the right to intervene if you choose to.... let us know how this turns out... we need to always protect our elders, and this is a new one.... hugs to you.

Personally, I would start doing a little investigating on my own. Definitely figure out how to do a criminal background check on this gentleman. Plenty of people out there that prey on the elderly. Do you have poa over her finances? I'm betting if you do and when this guy finds out, you won't be seeing him again.

I have power of attorney and I am joint account holder on both her bank acct and her investment acct. I take care of everything, she doesn't have a bank card and doesn't know how to contact the investment people.

i'd want to have him investigated too. it does sound fishy. like everyone says, follow your gut.

Accompany mom to Sr Ctr and ask various staff, Especially those who have been there for a while, for a reading on the suitor. I too would be very concerned. Background checks r done either state or national-do national. It is not uncommon for transient types to target Sr centers in search of victims. U may also consider a discussion w local police to see if they have any awareness of him. Even if no criminal record, someone may have alerted them to a similar situation w their mom. I agree w Ladee n survived2: listen to your gut, and when he sees u won't get any access to mom's assets, he'll likely keep moving along. My mom lived far from us and would not allow us to protect her- she lost lots: money, missing antiques/silver, jewelry, and worst of all- dignity. Glad u r able to keep her protected n hope u stay on top of this. Kimbee

I agree with the others. Have him checked. But also prevent him from taking her somewhere. Like to the justice of the peace. I'm sure that could be an annould but why put your mom through that pain.
If. He does gave a past have the police give him a visit to scare him off. Sounds like a con man.

Picksixer, Thank goodness you have POA and control the finances. Can we assume your Mom also has dementia? If not, watch out for her valuables, jewelry and life ins policy. Hopefully she made you the owner of her life ins policy long ago. If not, she might still be able to transfer ownership to someone else or change the beneficiary. You may want to get some legal advice to find out if that's possible for her to do if she is not mentally competent. Also, you mention that she is living in your home and you do everything for her. I would consider not allowing the man into your home or even getting a restraining order on him if he gets pushy.

Pj Keizer, hope you've made some progress finding out about this guy. Please let us know, lisa

Yes Picksixer, I think we all are dying to know if you have resolved this problem - hope you will be able to update us soon!

We are letting him give her rides back & forth to the senior center. He hasn't been taking her out so far. We have company all week and have been so busy that I haven't got around to getting a background check, but will do one next week. Thanks for all your support.

If he is only 65 and in a senior assisted center as a patient, then he may not be in his right mind and not able to comprehend that mom is 85. If they are simply enjoying each other's company, than relax. My mom thinks every man has a thing for her and we simply shrug it off. She can talk to a man in the grocery store and he was "flirting" with her. No. He was simply making small talk. Keep an eye on things and try to see what state of mind the younger man is in. He may not even realize that she feels this way towards him - as is the case for my mom. For peace of mind do a background search.

Does anyone know where to begin to do a national background check? How do you know the websites listed on the internet are legitimate?

My advice is to watch this romeo like a hawk. Make sure you have air tight control over your mom's assets.
Our family learned the hard way that these types lurk everywhere. In a relative's case, real professionals worked in a group. They watched obits and swooped in on a very vulnerable and gullible old man. Suspicious relatives tried to intervene despite the victim's stubborn faith in the thieves. It was too late. They completely wiped out his assets and disappeared. They were never caught.

I am hoping that it is all above board and he just likes and cares about her. I lived in a retirement community with my older husband for a few years. I had several friends in their 80s, though I was only in my 50s. We went places together, and sometimes I drove them places. Maybe friendship is all it is. It is good to keep an eye open, but it might be innocent and actually a good thing.

Does POA help if he takes her to the bank and she draws out money and gives it to him and he disappears? Joint account is still hers too.
Or if he takes her tu justice of peace. 0r if she makes out a new POA and revokes you and names him?
65 and 85 does not compute. Con men are very shrewd. Better safe than sorry.
Listen to Mag....it does happen. Please be proactive.

Please consider contacting your Area Agency on Aging, or Aging professionals in your area. These folks have an amazing amount of information, can offer guidance, and support for you and your Mother. Have you thought about a caregiver support group for yourself?
You deserve it!!

Let her have some happiness! It may wear off later, but for now her mind is alive and she has something to live for. You have control of everything, so be glad for her. It is most likely one sided anyway. Old men do the same thing. Enjoy seeing her like this and grow close as she shares it with you. It's OKAY!

Awh, I'm sorry. You would want to trust there are good people out there in this world but totally trust your inner voice. Good luck to you.

Dear Picksixer and others,
I want to share this with you. My father is 97 was seeing a woman 75. She is very nice and is well off. They worked together years ago. After my mother, and her husband passed away, she contacted him. He would bring her to family get togethers and she invited him to her home for dinner. They also would go to other functions some casual others more formal. This was when he was still a sharp dresser and in good health. In the last year he has shown signs of failing. He will wear the same clothes all week with spots on them. His closet is full of nice, pressed clothes. When I mention the condition of the clothes, he will say, "It's OK I'm just hanging around." In the mean time he will go to the store, people will come over, and here he is looking like, for better words, a------------ HOBO! His eye sight is not good, so I believe he may not see the stains. Because he get's up very early I don't see what he puts on. I try to get his dirty clothes before he has a chance to put them on again. I've noticed that his lady friend never invites him to anything any more and doesn't visit him. She will call but that's about it. I feel sorry for him. To me a good friend is someone who cares and should be more understanding. So if your mother's new friend is checked out and is OK, then I think he will sooner or later know it's not a situtation for him. Good Luck!

She could do another POA, another will, happened to a friend of mine with her husband & was a person that worked with the elderly! So make sure she is diagnosed with the alzheimers or dimentia, only safety net you have, because after that she is not mentally capable of making new decisions! If not diagnosed, then another POA & will could be done prior to diagnosis! Also happened to my sister's husband's grandmother, met a man younger than her at a soup kitchen she was helping out at, ended up marrying the homeless guy, he stole her blind & she was left with nothing, he disappeared! Men & women target the elderly! Watch out, I would pull him to the side & tell him that he is never to come around your mother again! Tell him you will have him arrested if he does & go & get a restraining order! Think you will have to have a reason for the order, so do your homework prior to, I guarantee you will find some dirt on him, he can't be legitimate or wouldn't be bothering with an elderly woman, 20 years his senior! He could even be wanted for such things, might be a warrant on him, so not going to the police could prevent him from being caught! Good luck & God Bless, Marilyn

People be aware, that it was a lady that worked at the Department on Aging, even gives seminars on how the elderly can be scammed that tried to scam my friend's husband, had him change his will, had him sign another POA, he had dimentia but had not been diagnosed! My friend went through a lot to just get this mess straightened up! Don't think that because it's the department on aging that it is safe, scam artists there too, think all these people ought to be background checked & should not be allowed to work with the elderly! Plenty of good people out there in the world that wouldn't do that to the elderly, don't know why these places don't background check & limit who works there! This gal ended up loosing her job, was sued for also scamming other elderly men, then got a crooked judge in our area to get her job back & is right back in same job & giving seminars on "how elderly can be scammed", so look out & trust no one unless you know they can be trusted!

I would not wait for this to play out, will cost you too much! I don't agree with let her "have her happiness & have something to live for," she isn't herself, due to the dimentia, can be too easily scammed! Remember one thing, if it smells like a skunk, "it's a skunk!" If it walks & quacks like a duck, "it's a duck!" You already are uncomfortable, this guy could actually be dangerous, in this day & age you have to be very, very careful whom you allow around not only your mother but your family too! Just be very careful how you deal with it, background check first & go from there! He may not have a record, but I have this gut feeling he does!

Good luck!

Your mom must still be quite the looker! I'd first off ask my mother in an unobtrusive way, "Mom, why do you feel this man is befriending you?" If she says he is only an acquaintance, I would ask your mother "what is his marital status?" So many of these men are injecting themselves as con men preying on the elderly as everyone else has said, but in truth, he may just like your mother for the nice person she is. If things appear to be turning serious, definitely do not invite your mother to invite this stranger into your home. I'd do as the other suggest, and inquire about him at the Sr. Center. Then, I'd insist on meeting him at the Sr. Center. All your mother has to say is "my daughter would like to meet you" and if he is an unsavory character, bet he vamooses and she never sees him again. Thank God you keep the reins on your mother's assets, though. Good girl. Though if you have a joint account (and your mother is a signer) be sure she doesn't take that checkbook with her to the center.

I am sure you are busy but don't wait for disaster. Go to the bank immediatly and explain the situation. Put a hold on all her accounts so that she must have your OK for any transactions. Then give the Police Dept a call. Give them the information. If he is a Con man they may already know about him or can find out what he is up to. If your Mother finds out just tell her you love her and want to be sure she is protected. I keep my 96 year old Mother. If some 76 year old man came hanging around I'd sure wonder what he was after. When people get older they tend to tell everything they know to anyone who smiles at them. This guy may know all about your Mothers' finances and anything she knows about yours or anything of value in your home. Don't wait---better safe than sorry.

Absolutely intervene! There are a lot of people preying on the elderly, and this is one of the scams. They befriend a significantly elder person, promise their love and devotion, marry them, and then claim the inheritance. This is serious, and fall in the category of Financial elder abuse. The KEEP-SAFE coalition in the South Bay teach the public community about this exact scam!

I wouldn't be allowing him to give her rides back & forth to the senior center, just enough time for him to scam her!

Eveyone is giving such good advice. I really do feel for this person taking care of mom. I'm a few months short of 85. I care for my husband who is 80 with dementia. A few minutes ago he made me cry. I had worked real hard all day and was watering some plants outside. When I came in the house he looked at me so sturn that I asked, is something wrong? Did I do something wrong? His answer was, Yes you did. It was more than I could hold back, tears flooded. That of course caused him not to tell me what I did wrong. My point is, I don't have problems compared to this. My prayers are for you.

I would definitely investigate the situation. And put a hold or slow it down immediately. I am in the same boat with my father. The women moved in within a month of them dating. We have tried everything to get my father to get out. This women has tried to push the whole family away and she is completely in his business. She lives off of my father who is 80 years old and she is 60. My father gets extremely angry at us when we tell him what is really going on. It is to far gone for us but you still have time. This woman is going to wipe my father clean like she did the last man. (We had spoken to the kids(adults) from her 3rd husband)

Dear concerned85: I feel for you, same thing happened with my favorite uncle. I had been in contact with him my entire life, he & my aunt had divorced, but I still saw both of them, whom I love deeply! Anyway, after his divorce, he met a gal that was about 20 years younger than he, he was smitten, a bleached blonde, hotty toddy! She had outlived 5 husbands & would brag about it! My uncle had no children so me & my siblings were his children! If he wasn't calling me & my siblings, to check on us, he was severely ill, which never happened! So when the calls quit coming, I would call him to see how he was. The hotty toddy would answer the phone & my uncle was asleep, at work or out mowing & would call me back. At first I thought okay, thank you! Then when a week would go by & no call back, which was not my uncle, then I called again, would get the same speel! After weeks & weeks of this, I got worried! But she would not have him call me! When I finally saw him at my grandpa's wake, his dad, then I really knew something was wrong! Bear in mind that this woman not only had outlived 5 men, she had also been a nurse, was now retired! To make a long story short, my uncle was not himself at the wake, ignored our whole family, his eyes didn't look right, looked pale & sickly! I had never been around my uncle but what he would hug me so tight I thought I would pop! He had always been that way! Here he is at grandpa's wake & wouldn't even look at me or speak to me! In a few months, my uncle was dead! My mother was called by his wife to tell him that he was in the hospital, my mom & siblings rushed to the hospital, he had been deceased when the wife had called, strange!!! My mom & sister & brothers walked into his room, he had been dead 2 hours prior, the nurse told them. At the wake she even tried to keep his family from the funeral home! His death certificate stated he died of a rare, only genetic, brain tumor, I have a friend that is a doctor, who told me rat poison would cause that! No one in our family had ever had that! So we know that she killed him as sure as I breath! She got by with it! My mother was told unless she could get all of his living siblings to sign a petition to have an investigation done, then nothing could be done, they wouldn't all sign for it! It haunted my mom the rest of her life, as well as the rest of her family! My uncle was a wonderful man, served in the Korean war, worked hard & was scammed! Oh, his will originally split between me & my 4 siblings, but after she got in the picture, it was all hers, including what my grandpa had willed to my uncle, now that is wrong! Nothing could be done! He was nothing to her but $$$$$$! To us he meant everything!

People out there beware of all the crazies in the world, they are wolves in sheeps clothing! Protect your loved ones, once they get moved in, you can't do a thing!

I pray for you & totally feel for you!

Dear Concerned 85: You have a serious situation (similar to Picksixer, but maybe you should post your story and start your own thread), You should definitely listen to M1953! M1953, I think your family may still have recourse. No insurance company likes to get scammed. If she got his life insurance, I would have a chat with the ins co's legal department (make an appt) and explain the woman's history. They might likely conduct their own investigation, relieving you of getting your uncle's siblings cooperation.

Dear orangeblossom5: Only one problem, she's now deceased, so I figure she got her dues when she got before the good Lord! But thanks anyhow! She had no children, just nieces & nephews!