My husband is the only kid. His mother is extremely mean to him. How can we handle the situation?

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My husband is the only child. He is an engineer by training and has many years of experience. His parents have been running a restaurant for almost 30 years.

Although he is the only child, his parents have always been pretty mean and bossy over the son, especially his mom. She is mean to one and all, berates people, including employees at the work place.

My husband had left home and had stopped talking to his parents for 5 years. This happened over an argument. He then wrote a letter to his mother expressing his agony and what needed to be discussed and sorted out. His mother shared the letter with the whole world. When she was told that she ought not to have shown the letter to people, she got mad and asked him to leave home. He left.

A little over 2 years ago, my husband lost his job. He called home and apologized for not talking to them for so long and told his parents about his situation. Parents told him to come home and work in the family restaurant. They told him that they would like to retire and that my husband should inherit the business.

They have been extremely mean to him ever since he has returned home, especially his mom. They make him work like a donkey in the kitchen and blame him saying that he is not eager to learn anything about the business. When they are told that he would like to learn, there is no definite answer. As the restaurant is extremely understaffed, my husband has to often skip meals. No suggestions are taken in any good spirit. His mom would often look for excuses (baseless) and ask him to leave. She would often tell him that he should be thankful that he has a job. She would also keep mentioning that she is the "BOSS" and that he must listen to her no matter what.

Mostly my husband feels that they are trying to make him frustrated and fed up, that they are doing it to spite him and punish him for not talking to them for 5 years. His mom has mentioned that she is still hurting from the time that he was not talking to them. She feels that only they are hurt and not my husband.

We got married just over a year ago and I came to join my husband just a few months ago. My in-laws want me to work in the restaurant. However, my husband has made it clear to his parents that I will not work as long as his mom is still working in the restaurant. She has asked me twice to come and help.

From being chewed at on a daily basis, on being berated for no rhyme or reason, my husband is almost on the verge of having a nervous breakdown. They blame him for everything which is totally wrong. Both parents keep saying he is not capable of running the restaurant which is not true. The fact of the matter is that he can do a very good job and all the employees love him and listen to him and his systematic ways.

My husband feels that his parents have no intentions of handing over the business to him from the way things are running. They are not showing any interest in making him learn anything besides cooking in the kitchen (which he already know from 20 years as he had been working in the restaurant since he was 20.

He fears that when he looks for a new job elsewhere, his parents will mess up if the new employer has to call them for reference. He also fears that since he has not been working for the last 2 years+ in the industry, he might not get a good job.

He is very depressed and often doe not sleep as he is too anxious. He dreads going to work every single morning and it breaks my heart to see him like that. He is very gentle and polite. He does not drink or smoke and is a peace loving person who is currently crumbling because of the treatment he is getting from his parents. He feels that he is not treated like a son but as a rival counterpart.

I am not working though I am looking for a job. We do not have health insurance though my husband was promised by his parents. He is denied the insurance since he has psychiatric history in his past insurance. His father does not feel that he needs any psychiatric help.

We can't afford to get insurance ourselves at this point as he doe not earn enough to be able to pay for health insurance.

What is the best solution? Please help.

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I so understand! I am also an only child. My mother, in 85 yrs has never been incorrect about anything, has never made a mistake in any way. Any problem has always been the result of the error of someone else. She doesn't want me to work, she wants me to sit on the couch and watch her sleep or watch her watch television. She is critical of everything I do. I cook, clean, administer meds, care for the dog, transport her, handle all financial matters and any home repairs. She is critical of me to others. She doesn't speak to me, usually yelling or screaming is the method of communication. She is still self sufficient in many ways. She is mobile and in home health care comes in to check vitals.
I wish I could offer some suggestion to ease the verbal abuse. I feel your pain.
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You need to reread what you just wrote.You have clearly lined out what you should not be doing.You would be better off choosing your hardships from what I read as far away from his parents as possible. Plan #B would be since his parents are business people,write up an agreement with possiblity to take over the family and outline everything right down to the last grain of salt,that hits the floor. ie....call her bluff
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Wow! The core of your husbands pain is of course his mother's crippling love, along with his father. Dysfunctional people don't change unless they want too, and even then it's difficult and takes time! Your husband has always wanted his parents to be different. The parents are like a fishing hook with a nasty worm ane a rusty hook that causes infection! Leaving is perhaps the quickest routed out. But be sure if he doesn't already know that the life time of abuse is also introjected, and therapy would/can be very helpful in breaking his own negative voices. There is inexpensive meditation groups to start with. He probably needs to learn compassion for himself, every day! Be the loving and intelligent people you are. You both have an opportunity to have a exciting and loving life together. When we grow up in abusive families- it sets a pattern that is hard to break-so get help. And don't waste more of your lifes! Look for mindful psychotherapy, read about attachment styles, learn MBSR. TaraBrach.com
Good luck! It's your one precious life-claim it-and move on! We don't choose the parent were born too but we do get to choose how to live our own life! May all beings know peace. Namaste
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Your husband is being abused. Plain and simple. Get away from it. I am sure it is the root of his psychiatric problems as well. These people sound horrible.

If you husband is an engineer, he is smart and he is educated. Don't be a slave for these disrespectful people any more. And whatever you do, don't work for your MIL. They seem to think they own your poor husband.

Move far, far away. It is not as if you two can't support yourselves. I honestly would rather be on the street than have to take the abuse you have described.

Also, how old are you two? You can only be a victim if you stay and take it. My husband works for one of the large power companies in the South. Engineers are always needed. And they always have lay offs. My husband has been victim to a couple. But he got back up and got back on his feet.

No more negativity. I know what negative parents can do you. I grew up with alot of negativity. It is toxic and it is poisoning your husband. You must get him away from these people. And this time, don't come back.

I hope you get alot of encouragement from this site. You deserve much better than this. Take care
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stay away from people who bring you down
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Live you own lives and do what makes YOU happy. How else are you going to have respect for yourselves and how else are they going to have respect for the both of you. Honor yourselves first.
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