What to do when your mom fires the caregiver you hired to care for her?

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Well, I found a totally qualified young nurses aide in search of work- and hired her to care as a companion/aide for my 83 yr old Mom with Alzhiemers..who lives at home with me.. Im gone to work everyday- gone over 10 hrs a day- and she was too afraid and sometimes confused being alone.. The Aide has only been here 5 wks.. and was doing fantastic till today when my Mom questioned her religious beliefs and was not happy with the answers- and basically asked her to leave- and shut the door on her.. Of course Im at work unable to do much- I called and listened to both sides-- the aide could have not answered the question-- but she is 19 and inexperienced in thinking thru that posible outcome, and Mom has not given her any reason to think she would act so irrationally- (yet) so, Mom had the point that she is young and dosent have anything in common- and then she went to irrational paranoia- saying she was taking things.. stealing and what not.. (not true) she was in bedrooms because she was doing laundry, folding and returning the items to the rooms- doing what I asked of her.. She has only done what I have asked- completely been compliant and very very helpful-- And respectful of Mom, attentive to all her needs-- It is a rare find.. I am heartbroken that my Mom treated her this way- we both know its mainly the illness- but some of it is Mom too- She is a true narrow-minded racist- and no the gal is not a different race- but she is a different religion-- which dosent matter to me.. but it does to my Mom-- I cant find someone that meets her exact standards.. I have to get whom I can.. and wgh=hom I trust.. I want this caregiver-- but Mom has put down her foot and said- I didnt ask for her and I dont want her back.. So, who wants to work for that? I think that if I try to get an older aide-- she will do the same paranoia about her too- My Son cant even play a game onthe computer with and online friend- she will call me at work and indicate he is talking to a stranger, pervert-- Her fears are infringing on all my Son and I do- we cant go out in the eves- moie or dinner hardley without zooming back- as she will have called everyone and gone to the neighbors for sympathy about me abusing her by leaving her alone..-- Im a single Mom and I am working hard to pay the bills and keep her here.. but I am getting heartache and stress and health issue myself.. My Son and I dont have peace and freedom to go and do as we wish in our own house- If I open a blind in the day hours while Im home- she shuts it-- she constanly goes behind me un-doing what I do.--we are not compatible.. She has no money-- and has no options except a nursing home.. Of course she minipulates me with guilt at that option.. in fact tonight she is refusing to eat and is hold up in her room- because I said I didnt want to talk about the events of the day-- with her caregiver-- I came home from work eariler- trying to hear her side in person-- I even said if she dosent like her we can look for someone else- and could she stay until then- she wanted the gilr to not come back period..stating she was a thief and non-christian and not wanted or asked for..Heavy SIGH.... I am about ready to pull the plug and send her to a home.. My Son and I cant continue on like this-- If I were to get someone else- I believe she will do the same thing.. no one will be good enough.. Im not good enough.. we are all the enemy, out to get her and her things.. she called a ton of people today-- I even got a call from our local social services checking into the matter with me.. When I got home- My Son said the Poilce were here too- She called 911 and forgot she had called them... Not sure what to do at this piont-- Back to drawing board- finding another replacement aide...or nursing home.. Thanks for listening,.. :-(

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Top Answer
This is an all to familiar scenario here in the forum...parents who throws you under the bus when you are only trying to help them. Added to your challenges is a mother who has Alz.
Start by investigating local Assisted Living Centers in your community that have memory care units. Ask them if they take Medicaid residents or if they will accept her income as payment. My friend's mother had very little income, but the ALF she went to was subsidized by Medicaid and they take a certain number of Medicaid resdients. Each state is different in terms of benefits.
Also, ALF directors are really good resource people. They can guide you to assistance that you may not have thought of. Also, they are in the business of filling rooms and may work with you.
Was your Mom or Dad a veteran? There is a VA benefit, if they were.
Also, since your Mom is fond of calling social services, it might be worth your time to call the social worker and make an appt. You really need to know what your options are before you proceed.
You need a change. Your mother is either incapable of or unwilling to be a functioning member of your family and her actions are both disruptive and harmful to your health and well being. You deserve quality time with your son...he is right to be resentful of her unruly behavior.
You have put in many years helping your Mom. You now need to hand over her care to the professionals who can have some "distance" and not take her actions personally.
Getting revolving caregivers in your home is not going to work. She is going to sabotage all of them because she wants you there full time and is punishing you for leaving to work during the day.
good luck
Thanks.. :-) She has Medicare/ Medicaid/food stamps/ Small Social security-only. VA Social services only referred Nursing Homes.. No (ALF) facilities.. but I will check further.. thanks again.
put her in the nursing home right away!
"My son and I can't continue on like this." That's what you wrote. Even if part of you says that was true when you wrote it but isn't true in this moment, take that seriously. It is NOT your fault that the disease has progressed so far that it makes it impossible for you to care for her safely at home. If she will not accept in-home care, then she is not safe at home. And that means she has to go elsewhere for the care. And that's the bottom line. SHe was hard to live with, she made life for both of you harder -- but with daily care, it was manageable -- right?

She may no longer be capable of choosing (and remembering her choice) to have daily care in the home. Not her fault -- but not your's, either. If she can't have daily care in your home, then she will need daily care outside your home.

Doing the research now to find where she can go is going to give you access to three important things: 1) a sense of hope that there is a solution, not involving her roaming your house all day and calling the police at will; 2) access to social workers who have seen this before and can help you navigate the path ahead with more ease and grace than you might be able to, on your own, and 3) a place for her to live, eventually, sooner or later, that will give her safety, and restore your home to a place to raise your son and get the rest that a single Mom needs.

Sending love and good vibes you way!
Thanks.. I am moving fwd with looking at facilities-- in the mean time.. found a few possible ladies to mabe job share-- part-time each in the interim.. It's just so hard to hear when she says- "I wont go to a nursing home" I would never do that to my Son.. Id go , and be the life of the party! Everyone always congregates in my office at work- someday it will be the same in my retirement home! :-) Thanks everyone for the support- feeling better today- light peeking thru.
Good advice!! I would add the following. When you were three years old your mother did not let you tell her how to live her life. She made the decisions that she thought were important for your well being and safety. You now have to make those decisions for her, as she is no longer able to make them. She will not like them just like you did not like some of the decisions she made for you when you were three. YOu are headed in the right direction. Keep on moving.


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