My 81-year-old mom has dementia and is narcissistic. Is anyone else dealing with this?

Oh wow. That is an awful thing to be facing. I recently brought my mom into my house to live. My boys (young adults) and I soon found ourselves in an intolerable situation of witnessing her daily tantrums, calling people cruel names, vying for constant attention and her constant wishing (out loud) about things like having a hurricane come and wipe us all out. All her life she has been a negative person who behaved like a 4 year old thinking she was the most important person in the room and all her little minor (self-induced) problems trumped every one else's real tragedies. I don't know if she has gotten worse or if I just became more hardened to her antics. I think it is a little of both. When she moved in to our home and cause so much stress, I decided to stop babying her childish demands: which made her even more viscous. When she realized she was not getting the attention she commanded she disowned me and my kids (verbally) and called the police to come get her. That was it for me. She is out of my home and I will never have her back. Social workers stepped in and helped her get her place back. She gets social security and will be okay. There are people who get paid to take care of people like her and I have resolved to let them do that. I have to look out for my and my family's well being. I don't feel guilty one bit about "abandoning" her and that is a big surprise to me: I brought her into my home because I thought it was the right thing to do as a daughter - to take care of my mom. And I was willing to sacrifice and do things for her because I love her. However there is a limit. My limit was reached when her actions and words started to erode my metal and spiritual well being.

It's so helpful to read everyone's comments and to know we are not alone in this journey. I am a Registered Nurse as well as a Nursing Home Administrator and have been Administrator in 3 different Dementia Facilities so I have seen many, many different family dynamics dealing with all forms of dementia.
My mom is 85 and has a text book case of Narcissistic Personality. She is also (and always has been), mean, hateful, vengeful, deceptive, negative, and sarcastic.
One of the best books available is 'Will I Ever Be Good Enough". I strongly recommend you read if you haven't as soon as possible. The hurt and the emotional neglect that the self centered parent leaves on their children can destroy their lives if the children allow it or accept it. It took many, many years for myself and my siblings to finally accept that we are important, we do have worth and that our parent has a mental disorder. Some of us had to just walk away and maintain a casual, long distance relationship that of course was one sided. Mom didn't seem to care and we seldom heard from her. Mom's dementia has escalated to add paranoia to the above list of attributes. We are all stupid (even though we are professional people), stealing from her and plotting against her. She was under investigation for physically abusing her companion while he was in the dying process. We hired a wonderful outside agency to care for her in her home since she ran all of her family off but she refused to let the agency in her home. Finally she ended up in the hospital and from there into a Care Facility. As stated by some of the others here, don't give up your life. I know that sounds selfish but it won't be appreciated anyway and in most cases it will be expected. There are others that can take care of mom and not have to be abused by her. My mother is as sweet as honey in the facility, calls all the staff sweetie and honey and actually says 'THANK YOU' to them. Two little words that we NEVER heard one time come out of her mouth at home or to us.
Don't feel guilty that you don't rush to her side to care of her, she really would prefer someone else anyway. Stay strong, assertive, healthy and know when to walk out of the room.
On a positive note, my sister and I have been praying for over 20 years that mom would find some peace in her 'miserable life' and if dementia can be a positive thing then it has been in this case. Her fits of rage, hatefulness and her attitude that the entire world is trying to 'screw' her have diminished drastically as her cognitive abilities decline. Maybe she will finish her journey on this earth in peace and if a miracle happens she may even be thankful for the life of luxury she has been given. Last week she told me 'thank you for calling' and even said 'I love you' after I told her I loved her. In 63 years I have never heard those words. So, keep staying strong, know your own worth, if you don't know it then please make every effort to find it while you can still enjoy the blessings of life. Just because your mom gave you life does not mean what she said or how she treated you is the truth of who you are or who you can be. Leave the care to someone who is competent, love and care for her from a distance and maybe her dementia will bring about some positive changes. If not, it is what it is and she will leave this place in the manner in which she lived and there is absolutely nothing that you can do to change that.
God Bless everyone of you who are going through this. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

My mother has always been somewhat of a narcissist and now has moderate dementia. It is depressing helping her because she not only doesn't appreciate my care, she takes every opportunity to tell completely fictional bad stories about me and my family to every one who will listen. I have tried to keep up my boundaries and do the right thing regardless of consequence. I have also lined my legal ducks in a row. My therapist said a wise thing in that I imagine all the craziness lives on a crazy planet which is separate from where I live. That way, I can deal with it without having to live in it.

I have tried to get her involved with people and activities but she does not like people and has given up the only thing she enjoyed, crocheting due to bad eyesight. I take her out shopping and to the park and she has a health aid that takes her out to eat and keeps her company during the day. I tell myself every day this is the best I can do and not to feel guilty, that she is lucky to have me in her life.

One of the few personality disorders in which the victims seek help rather than the instigators. It's a shame there is no effective treatment for it, and even if there was, getting the narcissist to accept help is unlikely to happen! The collective pain and suffering endured by victims of NPD must be enormous. These people need to be stopped.

How? I have no idea. Narcissists are always right and never wrong. Someone else is responsible. Their sense of entitlement knows no bounds. Their lack of regard for the feelings of others is shocking.

It seems strange to me that modern psychiatry has yet to come up with an effective means to treat these emotional vampires. The suffering goes on and on, generation after generation. Sad!

Yes, and it is incredibly difficult. Since I am the only person willing to care for her, she has turned on me, and says terrible, false things and yells profanity and slams doors very hard, etc. She lives in her own home, can get around, but does not want any help (but needs it), which is only making things worse for her. I live an hour away and work full time, I try to keep tabs on her, don't know what I will do when she really can't live alone. I won't give up, but have had to step back because of her insults, false stories and unwillingness to accept help or direction. She does not care about my time, and if there is anything negative that happens in my life, she seems very gleeful about it. I won't give up, and am concerned about her, but the siblings won't help, the other neighbors are elderly, and her husband passed away. I understand that she may not be doing this on purpose, but it is still a very difficult situation.

Unfortunately it doesn't get better it gets worse. It's very hard to deal with someone who is only self aware, add mean and hateful to the mix and it's going to bring you down, way down. My mother is the same way. I tried keeping her home when my father passed and it was complete insanity. She ended up in a nursing home for medical reasons and we tried it at home a few more times only to have the same result. She was completey miserable in the nursing home and drove us nuts. By the grace of God we were able to get her into the nicest memory center I have ever seen. The staff are wonderful. Just got back from visiting her and she is again her negative, mean, nasty, self serving self. I actually found notes in her closet today saying When I die I want you kids to know how awful you have been.. I left there so angry, she was talking hateful about my deceased father who was nothing less than her servant. I feel your pain, I truly do. My advice for what it's worth would be to place her now sooner than later. If I had it to do all over again, I would have never, ever, lived with her and allowed her to beat me down emotionally , physically. I know that we are supposed to keep in mind it is the disease, but my thoughts are yea the disease intensifies it, but its always been this way and I cannot be responsible for her happiness, because she has never been and never will be happy no matter what I do. Good luck to you.

Good Lord, my narc mother with dementia is 92 (this past January 20th, but who's counting?) and things get worse on a DAILY basis. Thank God, she lives in an assisted living facility about 4 miles away, but since I'm an only child (at almost 62), I have the enormous pleasure of being the only one to deal with her chronic BS on a daily basis. I quit my job about 9 months ago but she thinks I still work full time. Why? Because she makes my life ENOUGH of a nightmare as it is, thank you very much. If she knew I was home, she'd torture me even MORE and expect me to be waiting on her hand & foot continuously! The things that have been ugly about mother in her younger days have become SO magnified that she is nearly intolerable to deal with nowadays. Her constant complaining and putting others down has gotten to the point where nobody can stand her anymore. Yet she's never wrong, nope. It's someone ELSE'S fault, never hers. Know what I mean? Classic narcissism 101. It's all about her her her, and nobody else matters. Nobody's ever doing enough, the grandkids don't visit enough, her daughter (me) NEVER does enough, her dead husband of 68 years was a total good-for-nothing who never gave her enough of ANYTHING she wanted or deserved, and on and on ad nausea. I call her once a day and get a stomach ache beforehand every single time. I see her once a week and dread it, but I do it because I'm all she's got, as wretched as I am. She'll live to be 100 I'm sure, and her money will run out in about 5 years, forcing me to apply for Medicaid. One day at a time is what I repeat about 100x a day.

Get your narc mother OUT OF YOUR HOUSE NOW, that is my recommendation. Or else YOU will be writing a story like mine soon except it will be a million times worse because you will have no escape from the torture chamber. Don't do it. It's not worth it.

My condolences for what you're going through. One day at a time, my friend.

**Yikes. I just saw this question was posted in 2013~! What happened?

The answer is very simple - this is a deadly combination. This will make anyone from God to the devil and all in between very difficult to handle and have in one's home or presence. I cannot and would not put up with it. The dementia is bad enough with the related negative behavior but then add narcisiscm on top of that, and it is good bye - she must be placed into a facility away from you. If you do not do this, YOU WILL BE UNHAPPY AND DESTROYED. You will never have peace or be able to live your life. Don't wait - do it now. And if finances are tight, there are ways to handle that - you just need help and advice. No human being should ever allow this or have it happen - it is just wrong and it has to be stopped.

Greenie, it those stories that cut to the core, they hurt and make you just feel so crazy after all you do for them. The problem though I found out the hard way was these "stories" can become "others" truths and can land you in hot water. Been there done that and I refuse to give my life up and be placed in danger from her telling someone I am trying to poison her, kill her, not feed her, the list goes on, usually a story begins if I didn't make yet another cup of tea and donut for her upon her whim and desire, or not make her breakfast quick enough. No thanks mom, no can do no more,

Yes yes yes!!!! This is me! I have yet to have mom move in with me although she has brought it up during one of her pity parties. Usually when she is fighting with my dad because he put up a boundary or he snapped back at her. The thought of my parents living with me crossed my mind but I can’t do it. I have two young kids and to add them would give me four kids instead of two. I also don’t think I could stand moms constant criticism laced with piety and good intentions. I could live with my dad, he’s pretty easy, but my mom nope, no way. She’s too toxic. And it hurts because I thought daughters and mothers were supposed to be close (thanks Pixar) and yet we aren’t. The other big fear is that I don’t want to expose my kids to this or myself to this. I don’t want to become like her.