I'm having second & third thoughts now that I've decided my husband should go to assisted living. How do I make peace with this decision?

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Sorry to be so wishy-washy, but I'm so terrified this is the wrong decision, but I'm also terrified for him to come home, I don't see how I can handle him. He's very difficult, but sometimes acts fairly normal, but not totally. How do I make peace with this decision. I'm afraid he will insist that when the therapy is finished at assisted living, which will last approx. 4 - 6 weeks that he will insist on going home. From all the advice I have received from family and friends, the vast majority are convinced that he needs to go to assisted living, minority either stays neutral and the other minority is against it. I've prayed and search my brain, heart and soul and still......this seems like a lose-lose situation.

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Skid70, I just want to reach out and hug you and hold you and pat you on the back. You are in a very, very painful situation. I have seen other spouses in my support group agonizing over the decision of whether/when to place their life partners into a care center. It is a very cruel decision to be forced to make. and I fear it is one I will be facing again. It is a huge burden and responsibility and also ulimately a privilege to make a decision of this magnitude for someone else.You ask how you can make peace with the decision. I honestly don't know how we do half of the things we have to do as the spouse of a person with dementia. But somehow we do. Make the best decision you can, in love, and move forward.

My husband and I both are victims of Lewy Body Dementia. He is the one who has abnormal protein deposits in his brain, and he is the one who has the diagnosis on his medical chart, but my life has been irrevocably changed forever by the diagnosis, too.

I don't know your situation -- I don't know how old you are, your financial situation, whether you have health issues, what your husband's diagnosis is, what his major symptoms are, etc. etc. But on one level I do know what you are going through. I offer you my empathy, my hugs, and my tears.
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Can I Help?You can Visit him..and perhaps HE will learn to take care of himself..and see that HE needs to to live with you again. Or you can safe proof the house& keep him inside at certain times..go for walks with him or drives so that HE is not just kept inside. Play Music..and have Snacks like kids would eat...grapes, cereal in baggies, sandwiches cut in half..juice cups..sippy cups..things like that..just do the Best you can.Separation will be Hard.
I Hope I helped some. :) god Bless U
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Your torment has moved me to write...for both of your health and safety I don't believe he should move home, I would take him directly to a facility after he is finished at the assisted living. I have been through this myself and work in the Alzheimer's community. Even if he is moved your job is not done, you will still have plenty of "care" responsibilities to attend to, but you will be able to sleep at night. Now is the time to get your ducks in a row so all goes smoothly. Good luck and sleep well!!!!! PS This is a big speed bump but there will be light at the end of the road. You will reflect back and realize this is the best decision for both of you:) Reclaim your life so you can be the best you can be for both of you!!
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I put my husband in an assised living home 3 years ago and, with a lot of therapy for myself, am just now getting to the place where I don't feel guilty. He still wants to come home, but my psychologist told me that whenever he wants to move back home, I should tell him that my primary physician and him (my psychologist) have advised me that it would not be good for my physical and emotional health if he moved back in. My husband still brings it up once or twice a month (it used to be every day), but I have to remain firm and strong if I am going to survive this season in our lives. I have hade to accept the fact that our lives will never be what they used to be, but I am thankful for the good times we had, but it is still hard.

I hope this helps. My heart goes out to you.
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Menohardy: You are an awesome man!!!!! Sending you love and happiness. Cattails.
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It sounds to me like your husband is used to having his way and I think that part of the problem is he cannot let go of the dominant role he has lived for most of his adult life. In other words he is an Alpha Male who still believes he can wear you and others down. This kind of personality must be approached with the truth; maybe shown the truth-comply or this is where you will end up. I too suffer from mild dementia and or Alsheimers and take Aricept and go to counseling twice a month. I also see a psychiatrist about every six months. Because of visual problems I was told I cannot drive. Believe me, that hurt. I rebelled at first until my children made it clear that it isn't my life I am endangering but the lives of my daughters and grandchildren. If his dementia has advanced to the point he will not or cannot understand then his physician: Neurologist, Primary Care, Psychologist, counselors etc., are not understanding that he wil not comply. They are leaving it up to you to decide his fate and I find this hard to swallow.
What are you telling his physicians? Are you telling them doc: He says he is going to drive with or without your blessing. That shifts the decision off of you and places it on them. You are saying: If he were home he would demand to drive! But have you tried it? Give the man a chance. Before you have him committed at least see if he will comply. It is hard for some men to admit they will comply. They will even brag that they will not and will go to the Mall whenever they want and so on. Since I complied I rather enjoy sitting in the back seat now with my grand children. I actually feel better letting go of the reiins. But I resisted at first. Boy do I remember arguing with my counselors and I had a Palliative care Psychologist with a PHD and he set me straight in one session. He laid it all out to me. Your children are grown and they love you but if you are going to act like a child they will treat you like one but if you act like a criminal you will be treated like a criminal and if you get behind the steering wheel thats what you are; a criminal. It was his blunt honesty that opened my eyes. He also counseled my family. He told them at this point your father is not at the point that he cannot live in the home. That day will come but it is not today. You are adults and you will have to make some adjustments like locking the keys up, putting alarms on the doors so he doesn't wander off. If he becomes too bothersome or a threat in any way all you have to do is call and we will come get him and you can say you tried everything and it will be the truth-because you have! You will not ever have to wonder again if you did the right thing or not. No guilt, no regrets. only honesty and integrity. I have had the privilege of a long marriage and I went thru cancer myself. I was given a window od 6 to 20 months to live-that was about 4 years ago. I do have slight dementia or early alzheimers. My Neurologist doesn't use labels. I misspell words and happily found this forum. I like to think that people are good and I know Nursing homes and Hospices and assisted living are important tools for us elderly. I do not believe they should ever be used for the convenience of our children unless we become a financial burden or a danger to them and our selves. Skid70 for your own peace of mind and health you need to get some counseling for yourself before you make your decision. Not counseling from the home he is going to . Counseling for you! I am afraid that as soon as you put him in you are going to want him out and if you take him out he will say he won and be that much harder to deal with. I hope this has been a helpful answer. Everything you said tells me there are control issues going on here and I think counseling-independent counseling would be a good place for you to start before you make that final decision. We all procrastinate-I have a prescription for eye glasses that is 11 months old. Just this morning I said to my daughter hun-if you don't take me to the hobby lobby I'm going to walk and she said dad-I have 3 things to do before I can take you so keep your shoes off and watch t.v. until I can take you-if you walk out that door say goodbye to your grand kids cause your not coming back-she means it-so I had a fudge sickle with my little friends. My grand children Isn't life wonderful I thought as she wiped my chin and little amys and christies...I know the time will come when I will have to leave home but today is lovely and no one knows what tomorrow will bring
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My husband has been diagnosed with dementia. He is not sedated and is not being drugged. There are times when he can carry on a conversation and other times he insists he's going to drive his car, go to the mall, says he has so many things to do. His doctor told him he needs to wear his hearing aids which he refuses to do. He has been in and out of the hosp. and nursing home (rehab) for two months and he told the doctor the hearing aids need to be adjusted, but he's been so busy he hasn't had time to get it done.....makes no sense. There's no way to know when the normal will come out or when he demands to do the impossible. Not driving was mandated by the doctor. His sense of reasoning is off. If he were home, he'd demand to drive (even if the keys were hidden). This is such a cruel disease. It affects not just the patient but all family and friends. It's terrible for him and frustrating for the rest of us; we try to help, go along with him, if possible, or change the subject. Usually, few of them work, unless he gets what he wants which in many cases is not reasonable or safe. We just keep trying to understand and help in any way we can, but actually feel so helpless.
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Well, I am reading menohardy's answer in which he is discussing the "1 to 3 months vs. hospice care'' and how she needed those months to say goodbye to her home, neighbors, garden...and my eyes are filling with tears because I know as he typed that, his own eyes were as well. I am sending you a hug because I the feelings you are feeling are palpable, reading between those lines, and I am thinking what a sad and wasted emotion guilt is--and how it results in personal loss in our own health, well-being and ability to serve others--it robs you of all of those assets! Your wife would not be at rest if she thought you were feeling this way. In your heart, you know you did what you felt was correct at the time--you were overwhelmed, worried and afraid and your decision at that time CANNOT be critiqued by those neighbors or friends who said you chose the wrong route. Talk is cheap. You were the person facing the tough times, not those friends or neighbors. How inconsiderate for them to NOT support you and comfort you. My hope is that the people on this blog can do just that for you now. Take care, my friend, and move on -- and please, do NOT feel the need to apologize to anyone! We are not here to judge, we are here to help, assist and console. Hugs to you, and keep well, my friend.
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What a difficult situation for you to be in. I feel that the first concern should be of the sick person. That does not mean that you as caregiver should ignore your feelings and doubts. Is your husband on Medicare because it does not cover AL
costs but I don't know if it covers rehab in AL. Financial concerns are always an issue. But, you definitelyhave to consider your feelings and how his illness is affecting you. As others have mentioned. talk to the Elder Care experts. You should also check with his Doctor for his advice and opinion about it. My Dad has ALZ and Mom took care of him as long as she could, a home health aid came 3x a week for 2 hrs but he refused to bathe. My Mom was a nervous wreck taking care of him and trying to do her daily chores. I helped out a lot, but never for 24 hrs a day like Mom. He was 90 when the kids felt it was time for him to go to an ALZ place and, as hard as it was for Mom, she agreed. That is where he belongs, where he can get the care he needs. It is still hard for Mom to think of him there and she went to an AL a week after he went to ALZ. She gave up her home of over 50 years, her life, many of her belongings to go AL and misses him and their home and life dearly. But she is somewhat content with her new home and the kids visit and call often and I take her to see Dad about every 2 weeks. The more help you get from experts, the better you will feel. Try not to feel guilty because you have his best interest at heart.
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Oh Reverseroles! I find you very courageous and think you have true GRIT to do what it says in the song: Hold Me, Hold Me; Never let me go.....I applaud you and thenk God for giving you the strength and teaching the younger generation that Love is forever.
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