I lost my children because I care for my mom with Alzheimer's. How do I get my kids back?

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Someone please help me. My mom has Alzheimers and my one sister cared for her for 2 years. She had a full time job and lives in an enormous house. This past October, my mom began living withbme because my sister reached the end of her rope. I was divorced in 2006 and suffered a nervous breakdown after a failed suicide attempt, where I had flattened twice enroute to the hospital. Because of this, I lost my children. In 2009, we began re-establishing a relationship through much family therapy and time together. Two years ago, I asked my mom for some money so I could move back to the town where my children lived, and she co-signed on some credit cards for me so I could purchase furniture, mattresses and bedding, etc. I rental 3 bedroom condo, where, until my mom moved in, my son and daughter enjoyed visiting. My ex was only willing to "allow" me 50/50 time if I agreed to cease his alimony payments to me...to which I refused for 2 reasons: 1. I simply Gaby afford to NOT have this money (i should mention that I pay $1000 monthly for child support that be used for luxury cars and expensive trips for himself and his new wife, etc), and 2) I simply cannot comprehend having to, essentially, PAY to see my children! THEY wanted to ne withbme....and I wanted to be with THEM.....
That is, until a few months ago. I had started working with a lawyer to go to court to have this increased time with my children approved. Then my mom moved in. She has Alzheimers....and being with her 24/7 is putting such a profound stress on me, personally AND my relationship with Caitlin (age 14) and Brendan (age10) that I find myself shaking uncontrollably 80% of the time. My depression is back....full force. There have been too many incidents to lost, but ill give a few. My mother constantly berates and yells, puts us down, yells my children to "shut the hell up, stupid!", undresses herself, throws objects at me (not the kids), wanders around all night to the point my children no longer sleep in their bedrooms....they sleep on the floor in places "nana can't find us" (ie, under the dining room table, the corner of the sunroom, etc). My mom recently screamed at my daughters friends when they were laughing in another room...and she wouldn't stop....there was just NO diffusing the situation.....
My children return to my ex's house emotionally and physically tired.....with red eyes from crying.
Because of these things (and those are just a few of many)...my ex has told me no judge would increase my time....because it is an abusive household. The thing is....it IS!!! I am so distraught over this. My children recently told me they don't want to be here anymore.
I have lost my children. I have lost my life.
There are so many other things I could mention like my mom screaming at the neighbors, starting a fire, damaging a wall, stomping around (where the neighbors called the Police).....etc. I live in a condo and my neighbors lives are suffering as well! The Condo Association has me on "a warning" to "turn these situations around".
Because my sister had my mom for 2 years, she wont even take my mom for a week so I can try to recoup. I have been told that I stole from my mom because of the credit card bills and this isbmy time to redeem myself. I used every penny to build a home for my children who now refuse to live with me.
I absolutely cannot afford a nursing home or medical help......after my disability check and alimony, I pay my rent and utilities and have approximately $200 leftover for monthly expenditures. Thank god for food stamps, which I receive. My sister has power of attorney over my mom and provides me with $100 per month for her care....but when something like a fire happens, and I have to replace a wall, I'm at a deficit.
Honestly....I don't care about anything other than the fact that I've lost my kids and I won't live without them again.
Somebody.....please help me.

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Your first responsibility is to your children and yourself. Mother needs to be removed for the safety and sanity of your family and for her own safety and well being. However, harsh you feel some of the responses are they are the truth and until you can face the truth nothing will ever change. Your children deserve much more than this and hopefully their Father will see to their safety, until your Mother is removed from their life.

You can call your sister and tell her it is time for other arrangements immediately or the next time Mother explodes call 911 and have her removed to a hospital sitting. When it is time to be released if your sister is not around, please advise the social worker that you are unable to care for your Mother at home and they will make whatever arrangements necessary. Most hospitals do not allow patients of this nature to be released before the social worker determines the home sitting they are returning to.

There should be no guilt involved you have done all you can. It is now time to get control of your life and provide the safe, caring environment you and your children deserve. God bless and best wishes to all of you!
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You can get your kids back by getting yourself out of that toxic environment and getting therapy. You have not completely overcome your past mental health issues. Your kids do not deserve to be in that type of environment. It is the responsibility of a parent to ensure their children are emotional and physically safe. You cannot provide that being with your mother. You have a long road ahead of you and I wish you luck.
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ilveuman, I'm glad you can vent here. It sure sounds like you have a lot to vent about!

What resources does your mother have besides the house? Are you and your daughter living in her house?
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Your sister only gives you a $100 a month for your mom? My mom can eat that and more in a week. Let alone all the (free from me and my kid care) laundry etc, etc, You need to take your mother to your sister's house. And get your ownself back together, so you can be with your kids. I am seeing this point where I am at now. I am not going to allow my daughter who is very near and dear to her, turn her nuts also. People on the outside don't get it understand it.
A family of six siblings I am the last one, and yes so on the verge. She will probably kill me with the stress of it, before she dies. And will be clueless. What what did I do? I hibernate downstairs to avoid her real nice no windows per say, my kid keeps a wind machine going 24/7 so she isn't hearing her. My kid has to be at bus stop by 6:15 am for school I get up at 5:00 am but mother has no problem waking us up all nite, I am to the point sign her house over, let Medicaid have her house, She was a big stress in my marriage breakup anyway. She's at the point says hateful stuff all the time does nothing but complain so much so NO one else wants to be around her. So I am now to the point Love you MOm but actually the mom I know is no longer here. I seriously doubt if I choose that to go ahead and turn her over She would even know. She calls an ambulance every chance she can get. I hear from day sitter, what should I do? I tell her let her go, I'll pick her up on my way home from work. We have now figured it out., I can have a "relative" friend call and say they are the Dr's office or hosp or ambulance , and tell her the same thing we were told by her real DR's etc. I don't know, I just think I have been doing this so long it has sucked my happy go lucky perosona, on top of my DH having his surgery and becoming Full time disabled, and check this he filed the divorce, WOW, Ok
It is what it is. Thanks for letting me vent Hugs to all
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Sounds like you had major problems before your Mom moved in. Regardless you need to get Mom to a place that she is safe and your kids are safe. If you don't do something you will most likely be asked to move and where will you be then? Right back at the beginning....You need to care for you first...
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Hello to everyone.....I am grateful to anyone taking the time to offer words of support and comfort. I have not read any posts for 2 days....and won't until Sunday. Long story. I will be able to provide more input and words of thanks then....
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Greenday I hope we have been helpful-kept posting it helps just to vent at times-and I hope you know that we all care about you.
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It is definitely time to put your mother in a home. She is not her self and probably won't remember. If your sister has POA drive your mom to her house since she won't help Guilt sucks doesn't do anything productive and eats up the person it affects and seems everyone else is having a Merry old day.. Don't give up your kids Sadly your mom has lived most of her life, You need to live yours with your kids. Im going through the same she's just not at the point at your mom Make sure you explain to your kids it's a disease and not there grandma, me and husband now separated, I seriously doubt my mother would have left her husband for me. God bless take care
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Greenday, so sorry your are having such a difficult time. You really need to have your sister see about a NH. I saw an attorney yesterday to talk about spending down the little bit of money my mother has. My mom is in a rehab hospital but I can't bring her home the care is just too much. Your care is too much for you ; I totally know how depressing and discouraging your situation is. Please take all the advise you have received here as it is great. The rehab my mom is it will help me if and when I have to file for medicaid. Until then it is private pay for us. Very expensive but I have no choice. Please help yourself. Call the Alzheimer's association they may be able to give you some help . You are are in our prayers.
Carol
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Hi Greenday,
Having read your story and the suggestions that have been given, as a pastor as well as a hospital chaplain in a large inner city hospital since 1976 until my recent retirement, I have had some experience with your situation. I have some possible suggestions for you.
First, Your priorities are you and the kids. You have come to the point that you have given all the love and help you can to Mom. We are now at a crossroads where some concrete safe decisions need to be undertaken now. These need to be done not just for your mom, but for you and the kids and restore as much normalcy to the family.
I would suggest that you contact an elder lawyer and your local and state dept. of social services for help. They have a tremendous number of resources to make availble to you and your mom. Her/Your Dr. may be of assistance. Dumping her in a ED Room or on your sister's doorstep are not solutions. They will, backfire and you will be in worst shape than before. You have certainly shown your love and dedication to your mom and want the best for her, but it is now time for others skilled and equipped to meet the demanding needs of mom. You have, in fact done a wonderful job in the caring for her.
To me, she certainly sounds like she needs to be in an assisted living or skilled nursing home experience in the caring of her needs. If she becomes abusive or violent to you or the kids if they are present, you should call 991 for medical assistance. She can be then taken to a hospital and evaluated physically and mentally. If required she, I believe, can be what is called 2PC'd (two doctor's agreeing that she is a danger to herself and/or others.) she then can be held for 72 hours for further evaluation and resolution for her well being.
I hope this helps. Please don't put off getting help. Greener Days are coming.
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