How do I live with the guilt of putting my mother in a nursing home?


How do I ever stop crying. Before you say anything, there is no help to be found; not even a group. I am on my own, an only child and not from this part of the country.

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beatup, you are beating yourself up over this. I'm an only child myself, plus I'm on disability as is my wife plus we have two boys in college. Given her dementia and total lack of mobility, there was no other choice than place her in the nursing home. I hope that you can find a social worker or some other trained person to help you work through your feelings, face to face. :) Keep coming back here to vent and ask questions all you want.
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If you haven't already done so, check with the facility to see if they have some sort of Family Support group. Maybe the social worker can find some area programs that may be beneficial to you. The above responders are so right, nursing homes aren't as bad as they used to be. I worked in one for several years and sure, it wasn't always perfect, but the staff would quickly respond to any family complaints. You should be commended for realizing that placement was the better option over trying to care for someone 24/7 and still trying to lead your life. Sometimes, that isn't always the best choice for you or your parent.
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I thought the worst thing I could do was to send Mom to a NH. I thought wrong, it is the best thing for her. She is much happier, she feels independent, secure, social has fun at entertainment events loves the staff. I almost am sad she dosen't need ME anymore. I don't feel guilty because I stay focused on everything that goes on as much as possible. I make sure I convey my concerns and Mom's to the staff. I tell her nurses about good days and bad and happenings when I visit this all helps in her best care. I also think the rest of my family is almost shocked that I am more than proactive about her daily needs to this day. When I visit it is always a different reaction but at this point I am just glad to see her safe and secure and basic needs are met.
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I agree with Lilli, my mother isn't in a nursing home yet, but when it comes to that I will try to be the high point of her day, bring her favorite Wendy's chocolate frosty or flowers from the garden. Whatever it takes to make her smile. Eventually it will be just seeing you. I'm sure there will be bad days when she'll want you to take her home, give her a hug, tell her you love her and ask her what she'd like you to bring her the next time you come. You are a lovely person for caring so much. Take care of yourself, it took a lot of strength to get this far.
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I think that you answered your own question. If you are an only child, have no support system or programs in your area, and are new to the area, you have made the best choice for your mother. It is better than trying to do everything yourself and then both of you ending up ill.
There is no guilt and no shame in finding your mother a safe environment where she is getting good care. Now, if you are questioning the care she is receiving, that is another issue.
Try to be upbeat when you visit your Mom. Take her things that she likes. Listen to her and take her for outings if she is able. You relationship may grow in ways you never thought possible because the stress of caregiving has been relieved and now you can be the daughter again.
Several years ago, when there were fewer housing options, NHs got a bad rap. With the introduction of assisted living centers and newer nursing homes that view has changed....unfortunately, our parent's preception has not.
I hope that time is a good healer for you. And don't be so hard on yourself.
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