How do you know when your parents need a nursing home?

kliddle1979, I wholeheartedly agree with everything shared by way of reply thus far. Although I am a stay-at-home, full-time caregiver, there are many not-so-little things to ponder, up to and including:

Does the person pose a direct safety threat to himself, and/or to anyone in the residence, including spills, a pattern of falls, perhaps, turning the stove off and on repeatedly, even if someone else is doing the meal preparation daily?

Is your home properly fitted and modified for the individual physical impairments, including ease of access, clear hallways, etc.?

Your husband's increasing frustration with his parents is human, yet also needs to be considered all around in terms of his parents quality of life, and the quality of your lives as a family if he doesn't know when, or how to turn that frustration switch off in short order.

Is your lack of availability, and/or your husband's compromising 24/7 care and active monitoring of either of your in-laws during their hours of being up, alert, and/or restless?

Are you able to consistently kleep up with mealtimes that are suited to them, rather than to how some of us eat, and meet the consistency that they need based on ability to chew, swallow and rate of digestion?

You did not mention what sorts of things your MIL is unable to relinquish control over. Is it running a household, or is it possessions, or something else? There is a difference, if for example, she is telling your husband how to run your household.

Just a few thoughts. Their doctors should be very understanding and offer you tremendous clarity in addition to what others have shared with you here. Hope things settle down for all involved soon. Your situation is challenging, to say the least. I also feel for your husband. It's harder for him because he has become the parent, no fault of his own.

I would like to add a thought to Carol's excellent advice. It is time to start searching for Nursing Home care as soon as anyone in the family asks that question. Most families I've worked with avoid that question. This may be denial or a sense that they can pull together and take care of mom or dad no matter what. If it is a case of denial, then mom or dad somehow reach the Nursing Home conclusion on their own--usually as the result of some catastrophic event that threatens to sink the entire ship of of their estate.

For everyone, it is different, but generally it is when they need more care than family can provide and more nursing care or 24-hours supervision than in-home care can provide. Often it's a safety issue for the elder coupled with burn out for the family that leads to this point.

Whether you decide on this now or not, it's time to start looking. Often you don't have the luxury of time to decide on a good one, and the good ones usually have waiting lists.

Take care. This is a tough time for all of you.
Carol

For me, it was when my dad's doctor recommended that he have 24-hour specialized care. He was simply too forgetful--forgetting to take meds, forgetting to eat, forgetting to go to bed.

If your in-laws are merely needing assistance, perhaps in-home aid can be arranged. But if they need someone with them 24/7--and a conversation with their doctor can help you determine that--then either assisted living or a nursing home will need to be considered.

Assisted living might be a good option if your MIL is having problems letting go. With assisted living they can get help while still maintaining some control.

Talk to your doc, see if his office can hook you up with a social worker who can help you explore options.