I can't keep up with the demands of my job, trying to get my own health under control, and care for my 87-year-old mother with dementia & Alzheimer's. How do I deal with the burnout?

All I can say is good for you! I have cared for my disabled husband for 35 years now, and am only just learning how to get help. I used to think it was all on my shoulders and if I couldn't handle it it meant there was something wrong with me. Now I know it takes more than just one person to do this. I get away on respite weekends all to myself every 3 months. Sometimes all I do is sleep during that time. And I am learning to say yes to everyone that wants to help, whether that help is in a form I prefer or not. Everything from bringing a meal to making a short visit or mowing the lawn. Once you start saying yes and then lavishly thanking folks for their involvement, they feel like doing more. I'm not saying its easy, but it is getting a bit more manageable.

I had a similar situation and with my brother's help finally got guardianship. Part of my stress was trying to please my Dad and consider his wishes. I realized he was not capable of caring about any of my needs or understanding his declining health and abilities. Now that he is in a nursing home, I feel so much healthier! Our visits are much more pleasant and I look forward to seeing him because he is also much healthier with constant care. Many people told me he needed more help than the home care and all we did for him. I decided to listen to them.

Wow, I can really relate to your problem.. Im 30, been married for a little over a year and my wife and I care for my 90 year old Aunt. Keep your head up and seek assistance ( Something I plan to do. ) sit your family down and be honest with them... " I cant keep this up either you help and take her for a few weeks or she has to go to a home " If they think they have a way out of helping they will take it.... Pray ( A Lot ) that will also help !! I hope things get better for you!! Keep in touch!! I know some times just writing this stuff down makes a big difference.

I can really relate to your question.I am caring for an 89 year uncle who I live with and am struggling with my own health problems(Diabetes,Anemia,Hypertension)If you can find an attorney maybe you can be made your mom's legal guardian,as you have cared for her all this time.Your siblings are doing nothing/little to help and unless they want to care for her themselves,should have no say whether or not they go to a nursing home.

Dear Friends,
I hear you! How to get help ,ask for it: I get very little but once I hired someone live in now, relations got a bit better. They realized I was neither shipping him out nor asking for a total here take your Dad...
At one point I went to visit a Doctor who said " I can't help you out until you know what you want" . So I spent some valuable time figuring out for the first time in a few years what I wanted and needed. And I began to formulate some very specific demands and how I would ask.
Once I no longer looked like a crazy person and asked for very specific help things went better. I also tried several new forms of communication. When trying to prepare for a needed surgery I explained how I might lose him trying to drop him off and park far away and I needed another person to hear what the Dr. said as this was not my native language. We got dropped off and she even spent a few mornings at the Dr. with us. This was far more than I had dared hope for.
My grandkids and sons were on Face Book so I started to communicate with them asking they inform their parents.I answered specific questions by phone and computer.
There was also a family visit so I could explain what was happening-Demencia is hard to catch on to. And gently explain how they could make him happy or comfortable.
But the best was the day I said "well,Sweetheart, I'm doing what I can but if I should just drop dead with the next high blood pressure thing, well, he's all yours"
You better believe there is a true preoccupation form my health now....
By the way, I have a helper- a housekeeper because I could no longer leave for work and leave him alone-but we need the money.
We are still not out of the woods but each day gets a little better and everyother month or so I ask the daughter to come and stay with him so I can go out and see a friend or once so that I could stay in bed a day that I was real sick.
We are now trying to form a monthly luncheon or snack with all invited or one family. I want to do this on a once a month basis but again the burden falls on me.
It was a real shock to hear one or two friends say they would like to come to the house and meet him.
I better not think that over too much and just say yes cause that kind of offer has been long in coming.Has maybe my attitude changed? Am I perhaps less scared and worn ? Whatever the reason I better just go for it and bring bits of the world ( and lovely people ) in if I can't get him out.
Hope some of my thoughts here are of help.

I can relate as well. I'm 35, two kids (10,6) husband, f/t job, husband - and a mom with EOAD who cant be alone. I was losing my mind - and killing myself in the process. My brother is zero help. I had to place my mom in a nursing home last week. It was hard -but all of us are happier even her. Because now when I visit - we are laughing and talking - not in the mundane of the disease. Its been good for all of us.

Theres no easy answer. Everyone here is sacrificing their own lives for the life of another. Theres a bible verse that crossed my mind when I became a caregiver for my mom. Luke 9:24 For if you want to save your own life, you will lose it, but if you lose your life for my sake, you will save it. I lost my home, ability to work and relationship. I still try to understand that verse but to some degree we lose our lives and we do this out of of love.
When I became unemployed I moved in with my moms to take care of her. I realized getting back to work meant a big change for her and I just didn't have it in me to hand her off to a stranger. My siblings were either to far or to busy. After a year and a half I start work next week and after a few weeks I work from home. Don't give up hope. God will open the right doors for you... have faith.

I can really relate to your question.I am caring for an 89 year uncle who I live with and am struggling with my own health problems(Diabetes,Anemia,Hypertension)If you can find an attorney maybe you can be made your mom's legal guardian,as you have cared for her all this time.Your siblings are doing nothing/little to help and unless they want to care for her themselves,should have no say whether or not she goes to a nursing home

I'm 59, have a 35yr.old son with profound disabilities and mental retardation, have a high school special ed teaching job (29th year) and my mother(87) had a stroke 3 yrs. ago and two heart attacks. She still lives in her own home. My sister is POA, and we both give mom any extra minute we have so she won't need to move. I have a 6yr. old granddaughter who I pick up after school usually daily. I take her and my son with me to mom's. My days are packed too. I know it won't be forever, and I want mom to remember how loved she is, not how hard my life is right now. I'd never have time for a social relationship, not even a night out with girlfriends. Somehow I just keep moving.

You are not alone. I myself care for both parents with Alzheimer's, and attend Ashford University online during my nighttime hours. I am finding it more and more difficult to concentrate and fear for my own mental health, I am 53 yrs of age.