Husband wants mom out. Is this normal? Should I be understanding of him?

My heart goes out to you in this most stressful situation. The uncooperative siblings is so common - not fair - but it is what it is. Your plate seems to be full and your siblings aren't helping at all. You have a husband and two little girls to think about. Seems like you might have to be the proactive one here and start looking for alternatives for your mother. Try not to feel guilty - there are many ways to handle this. Try calling your local Elder Care facility in your town.

They have many suggestions and are a wealth of knowledge. Not knowing your mother's financial situation - I would start with Elder Services and go from there. You will figure something out even if it is on your own. Thinking of you.

Thank you, 3pinkroses. My mom is diabetic, obese, severely depressed, bitter, and negative. She recently had her foot amputated due to diabetes.

I wouldn't wait for sibs to find her a place. I would go out and find one on my own.

I agree find her a place on your own, you are only 26 and have the right to your life, marriage and sanity.

I think I might bring her to the sibling who is most financially able to help her and drop her off there for a "visit" and never come back. I know that this is common and I read it online all the time but I think it is nervy of them to blame you when they are not lifting a finger. Once they see how difficult and life consuming it is to take care of her, they might get off their fannies and find a solution that will work for everyone. I know that it is easy for me to say as I have no siblings but I do have a friend who was in the same situation and she made her siblings jump in by telling them that she could not do certain things "I can't bring Mom to the doctor next week so one of you will have to do it" and they started to help more. Frankly I like the drop off for a "visit" more. Hang in there and do not sacrifice your family or your education for your selfish siblings.

You know your marriage vows puts your husband first. Yes, we owe our parents respect and help but you have other siblings and they need to step up. My son-in-law put his mother's needs first while his two other siblings look on from the side and my daughter's family life went in the hopper. Listen to your husband, take your share of responsibility but let the others step up too.

My experience is: don't count on siblings. If I were you, with so many responsibilities, I would definitely find her a place to live, as 3pinkroses also suggested. This situation probably won't get any better and you will wear yourself out. Caregivers need to take care of themselves! I wish you courage and luck. Support from this website has been so helpful to me. I hope it is for you as well.

I agree she needs to be placed you were the only one to take her in but since she is lying about her care let her be placed-as suggested call social services and tell them why you are dealing with-then visit nursing homes in your area and talk to social workers there and tell them she will be medicaide pending -if she has assests she may have to spend down her money for the NH charges until she reaches there limit of what they request-of course your sibs will not like their inheritance go to the NH but they had a chance to do differently each of them could have taken for a month at a time-do not even talk to them about it-the best nursing home is the ne closest to you-do not consider the sibs they probably will only visit on holidays anyway if that. You owe it to yur husband and kids to be a complete mom and wife-if it were your husbands mom -you would feel like him I am sure-let us here help you along the way -whatever you are going through there are folks here who have been there and will give you advice.

I too was in your situation. My older sibling decided my mom would live with me. It was a living hell. My mom also is diabetic, depressed, lies about taking her meds, does not bath and is abusive. We begged for help. After 7 months we took mom home and the decision was up to my older sister of what she wanted to do for mom. Hire someone to come in, take her, or put her in a home. Unfortunatly during all this my older sibling has had all of mom's worldly possessions put into a trust for herself and her kids. We have been to court and spent lots of money and have lost. I suggest you put her in a home and live your life so that you do not bear the same guilt, hurt, and rejection that I have had to endure. They continue to state that when dad died so did all his wishes. So much for my loving, caring, family.

Dear mystiquemay, I agree with everything that has been said. There are many websites that you can use to find a place for your mother. If you Google "assisted living facilities" in your area you'll be able to tour them on line. Pick the top three or four that interest you, take a day off from work to go and visit them. You'll need your mom's information - medicare; financial, etc. Chances are that you will find one that suits you and your mother that very day. My family chose one that was central to the four of us so that none of us had to travel too far to visit our mom. I will keep you in my prayers as you move forward. Don't be paralyzed by fear or fatigue. I see that you are at that point. The sooner you resolve this the better it will be for you and your family. And DON'T feel guilty. Your mom will wind up being happier with people her own age and these facilities are great at helping people adjust.

I completely agree with everything said above..been there and in process of Mom going to a sister's home or NH. It is difficult but you have to put yourself and your family first. My Mother would have never taken anyone in like we have done and my siblings feel no real responsibility other than to visit. When I asked for help they were too busy and when we hired help they were livid...money out of our own pocket and they never bothered to come meet the companion we hired. I've read everything about these situations and talked with many experts; yet, I remain astounded at the behavior of my siblings and amazed at how common this problem is in other families. Best wishes!

The worst thing you can do, is do nothing. Contact each of your siblings today. State that it is no longer possible for mom to live with you. Period. Don't discuss why. Your reasons are not for them to approve or disapprove of. Again, do not get into a discussion about it. Tell them the deadline (within a few weeks) for mom to move out of your house. If they choose not to be involved in offering or finding a place for her to live, then you do it. Start the ball rolling early, especially if she's going to need Medicaid to enter a nursing home. If she has the resources for private pay, you should find a facility right now, so you have a plan in place when you talk to your siblings. All of this is easier said than done, but your marriage and your kids are worth the difficult work ahead. Good luck.

Dear mystiquemay,
I also agree with all the advice to seek out, on your own a care facility, for your mother. I am amazed that with all you already have on your plate, you can adequately care for you Mom anyway. Your first responsibility is to your husband and children. If your siblings see that you are at the end of your rope, they may step up and begin to help out but don't count on it.

The "ten fold" comments tend to make me think they are making a "Biblical" reference. Thus it seems that you were raised in a church going family. I would therefore comfort yourself with the Bible's admonition about 'forsaking all others', meaning that your primary family, which means first your spouse and then your children, must be your priority. Demanding parents and other extended family can destroy family peace when you allow them in. You are not being disrespectful to your parents by finding them a safe place to be and overseeing their care there. Listen to you husband about his feelings and tune out the rest of them. They are 'working' you, including your mother. Take care and God bless.

Has your Mother been evaluated by a physician/psychiatrist? Medication may be helpful until you find other placement. Also, are you taking care of yourself? A skilled family counselor may be helpful until other arrangements can be made. Sounds like you are all at your wits end. Try the Serenity Prayer, can't hurt!
Moore2come

Hi mystiquemay, I'm sorry to hear your unfortunate situation. I am in a similar one, minus the children. You are a very young woman. May I ask why your mom needs to live with you? Is she disabled? I went to a therapist and was told me to make it my priority to create physical space from my mom in our house if I decide to keep her long term. (ie. separate apartment). She told me that stats show there is a zero per cent chance of these situations not ending in divorce. You need to think about if you are okay losing your husband in order to take care of your mom. If your mom is not disabled, have you looked at finding her a room to rent with roommates her age? That will hopefully provide emotional support. Also, my sister abandoned the situation too for the most part. I have a lot of anger towards her, but in the end, I am realizing, she can't feel my pain. My sister even uninvited me to my nephews bday party unless I agreed to put my mom in a nursing home. It was so bizarre, but her husband told her he would leave her if she even thought about bringing our mom into their house to live.

The thought of being single with two children and a dependent is so much worse than the guilt of finding an alternative for your mom where she may be better off.

Either way, good luck to you and I look forward to seeing your updates.

When you take an elderly person into your home because they can't do it themselves anymore. It is hard. Your siblings know it. Without the help that was promised, you will go through a depression and it sounds like your husband is too. What was your feelings about doing it in the first place? You need to find out if there is any help you can be offered. If she owned a house and it has to be put up for her assisted living, do it. The siblings are being so selfish. Your mom making things up cannot be helped. She has dementia and that is how that disease rolls.
I questioned why you left home at 12? Did the others leave young too? You are taking on a great responsibility, you and your husband have to be calm and talk. You are still a mommy and your children deserve the best of you both. It can be done, but do you want too? I really wanted too because my mom was a great mom and is all alone. It is hard on us, but after 4 years, we have adjusted. But the first year was just awful, and the second wasn't much better, but after that, it has been okay.

Thank you, everyone, so kindly!! My mother is finally moving out this weekend to stay with the younger sister. Although this saddens me a little, I know it's for the best. I just want this to be over with already as it has caused me so much trouble and pain. Not only will my husband and I have our life back, but my younger sister who's also said very harsh things to me will finally know how it feels to be a caretaker.

My seven siblings still all hate me, have excluded me from what they now call "their family," and are trying to make me feel guilty for not being able to handle taking care of my mom on top of my already very full plate, but I am just trying to move forward with my life with my children and husband. I've thought a lot about getting professional help outside of this website because the siblings have just been so cruel to me that the pain lingers.

Again, thanks everyone!!

I don't like your husband's stance, her or me. I was just wondering how strong this marriage is/or isn't?

Don't wait for siblings to step up...if they haven't already it is likely they will not no matter how much begging or pleading (based on my experience).

CareforMom99, my mother is diabetic, obese, severely depressed, and recently had a foot amputated. She doesn't take her medications for her depression. As a child, I grew up hearing her crying loudly every day and night for hours at a time and praying to God to take her life already. Needless to say, she is still like that and it just bothers me. I've also been uninvited to birthday parties after I begged all the siblings for help, only to get attacked in return by them. I was told from everyone that my husband and I was the "best option" even after we told them we wouldn't be able to handle it because of our schedules and struggles already. Funny thing is, my husband and I were struggling financially when this decision was made by my siblings.

tlhanger: My husband and I voiced our concerns to my siblings from the beginning and said we wouldn't be able to add more onto our plate at this time. After a couple of months, I found myself unable to get our of bed for anything. I'm sure I was falling into depression and that's when i said I had had enough. I begged everyone for help and that certainly did not help. It just made things worse. I spoke to my dad the other day (my parents are divorced) and he said he talked to my oldest brother and that my oldest brother had said the only reason why they all gained up on me and yelled at me was because I refused to allow anyone to come visit my mom. Such bull****!!! I begged them to come see her because if not, I'd have to hear her nag about it. I had to hear her nag about them not answering her calls or them not visiting or helping her out. I had to deal with everything and I was tired of it. I got a list from the county of Home Caretakers but my mom rejected the list because there was no one on the list who spoke her language (she doesn't speak english). She then went and told everyone that husband and I won't allow her to have a caretaker. I was wondering if my mom could be developing dementia but I don't know too much about that disease. I will definitely look into it more.

At the age of 12, I left to stay with my dad because my mom was abusive. She was a great mom but from time to time, she'd let her loneliness and bitterness get the best of her. I wanted to rebuild our relationship once she moved in but that certainly did not help. I thought having her be around my kids, especially my cute little 20 month old, would make her happier but she's still the same person and although I love her, it hurts to be around her. I'm glad things are working out for you and your mother. I just can't say the same for me. And now that I'm the "bad guy" according to my siblings, I just really want to focus on moving on with my life. I hope one day they'll realize but knowing them, I doubt they ever will.

Thanks again.

mystiquemay, i am so glad to hear that you are moving your mother out! GOOD for you and your husband and children! you are far too young to be saddled with this and deserve a life of your own. i pray that your siblings will now get a clue!

yes, please do seek counseling. i have found it to be of tremendous help as i have a toxic mother and it has colored my whole life. i've let go of her and my toxic brother and life is a lot brighter now.

Suzmarie: I've thought about that too. I wanted our marriage to be strong enough to where he didn't have to threaten me to that extent. But I also want to be understanding of him. I think having my mom with us and then having my siblings all gain up on us like jerks is just putting too much stress and strain on us. Right now, all I want to do is move on with my life.

Thank you so much, PamelaSue. Thanks for understanding me.

Please go and talk to a professional. Most insurance plans cover at least a few visits to a counselor. I had to do this very thing when my mother was so mean to me. It was a lifeline and reminded me that the only person whose feelings I was responsible for was my own. That is an easy thing to say and much harder to do but I am doing better with it every day. The counselor will talk thru things with you and you will find great comfort in knowing that you are doing the right thing for you and your family. I think your siblings will have a rude awakening when your sister starts having "problems with mom". Even if they don't you still have your husband and children. Remember that "family" is a place where you feel loved, appreciated, and nurtured. Maybe your siblings can not be your "family" right now but they may come around. Put your arms around your husband and children and focus on yourselves for awhile. Your mom will be fine! We are all thinking about you.

Bayoubaby, i just want to thank you for your "drop mom off for a visit at siblings and leave her there" answer way back there! with siblings like this i think it is a great idea.

i feel so blessed with my little sister. she is ten years younger and pretty much I was her mommy because our mother is no mommy at all, so we are very close. on everything concerning mother we are in complete agreement.

Siblings!! AHHHh! I know the feeling. I have one that HATES me for ??? I don't really know. She says the most hateful things about me and my kids. Says that I MADE my mom this way because I LIKE to change diapers?? And that I am doing this so I can steal everything from my parents for myself?? Ha! She says I spent all their money... Nope, they still have it, thanks to me. A nursing home WOULD have taken it. I used to work as a nurse in nursing homes... now she is constantly saying how much she HATES all nurses, and doctors too, but especially NURSES!! "They should all be in prison!!" ?? She has completely lost her mind and I am getting the brunt of her hate. All because I care for my parents and have done my best to not be a burden on any of them. I have lived here with them for almost 2 years with NO help from any of the other 4 living siblings... no thanks... nothing. But I am the bad guy. (girl)

welcome to my world, i am stuck in taking care of my kids dad and his sister does not want any part of it at all.. I asked her to help me out and she says i am to busy i work 2 jobs and have 2 young children and don't have time. I took care of her parents until they passed away while she has the good life and we have no life. No family time, kids cannot be left alone with him, someone has to be home with him, don't trust his cooking has habit in forgetting to turn stove off, so on. So my life is on hold and so our my kids until we get him into place. Doctor has paperwork to fill out and just a waiting game from here on.. My daughter and i have our hands full, ,college on hold she says no time, i work nites and she watches my kids and take them to school, then comes home until i get home and not working cause she is so stressed out with her dad she says i have no life at all. We as a family are the care giver for him for now until we get him placed somewhere and he is only 49 yrs old and has DEMENTIA... I wish you luck, take on the responsibility and do what you have to do, don't wait on help from sibling, they want no part of it. Talk to doctor and go from there and see where you can place her.

Me again! I was just reading some of the other answers if you are looking for assisted living thats not so hard but these people dont realise for a NH its a pain just googling doesnt work theres more to it. TLE

Its hard Ive been taking care of my mother with ALS for 12yrs..my kids have lost out my husband our family I had to go back to work because shortly after we moved to Fl from Va my husband had heartattack and became disabled..Ive been wanting to put her in NH home its harder than people think you dont just google an poof..Now if she can do assisted living there easier.TLE

Hey, situations like this just plain hurt. There is no way for everyone to "win" in terms of getting what they want. I'm just going back to some of your notes in the original question that suggest Mom was telling the siblings you were being bad to her ("We no longer talk to my siblings...very hurtful and I was told by another sister that my mom said a bunch of things to her separately") SO, of course since they don't live with her day to day, and probably want to go on thinking she is mentally OK, they might not have realized - or wanted to realize - she was not telling them the correct story. I suppose that would be another "up" side to leaving Mom off with one of them - they would maybe have a little honeymoon period with her and then would get to see what you see, and maybe realize that you have not been abusive or neglectful after all!! I am going to put in a prayer that your family relationships could all be healed - I grew up with my mom getting into it with her brother and them missing out on seeing aunts and uncles and cousins for many years, which I regret...and they had a lot less to argue over than you do, so it was REALLY a waste and a sad thing for us.