My husband wants me home, I feel I should be with my mom. Which way do I turn?

freqflyer, Yes my Mom is in assisted living..its not all its cracked up to be. I hoped she would settle in & be happy & I could go my merry way & visit less like you suggest. She made a lot of progress in the past 3 months, more than I expected. If she continues to be safe & get stronger.I plan to move her home with the ladies that assist her now. We have started taking small steps to get her back to doing the outside activities with her church friends now that she is better. Not sure she will ever be a happy camper. I'm tired of trying to please everyone. Plus I would really like to get away on a real vacation. I am still trying to finish up my Dad's succession. Everything is here where they have lived for over 30 yrs. Attorney, Financial people, bank, etc. Somedays I'm just burnt & tired & really don't want to do anything. I've had some of my own health problems in the past 3 yrs. The Drs.& chiropractor I see are here. My pelvic floor dropped, I have FMS, back, L3L4L5SA & osteoporosis. PT specialist is here & that is draining. Staying over helped alot & I would go home next day. I have a to do list everyday & the list grows longer when I don't feel good. I've been married to my husband for 44 yrs.& I was 14 when we started dating. So when that for better or worse in sickness & health comes up..does that mean just me & him..or does that include my boys or grand boys or anyone else I love or care about? I just want to be me & enjoy the time that is left in this world. And I've worked & waited a long time to sit on the front porch with my sweet tea & my honey & relax & watch the sun set. But I only got one Moma & his sisters will take care of his Moma. Thanks for the advice. Have a good weekend.

tvidos, gosh you are torn between two people who need you, but each live elsewhere. One of your earlier postings say that your Mom is in Assisted Living? Is she still there?

If yes, there is no need to reason to visit with Mom on such a regular schedule. I know it's not easy, I tend to do that with my Dad who just recently moved to Independent Living and still has his part-time caregivers who help him.

Dad doesn't want to mingle with the other people, and at 94 I know he's tired, but he does go to the common dining room every evening for supper and sits with a group of others.

What I plan to do is cut back on the caregivers so he is on his own 3 days a week to see how that works, hope he can make himself a sandwich for lunch :P .... maybe he will finally pop his head out the door and say hello to others. But he's a happy camper being in his recliner, reading the newspaper, and watching news all day long. And I currently pop in every other day as I am still moving some of Dad's stuff from my parents house. I want to cut back on that, to give Dad more freedom to do what he wants.

I am very stuck.The stories sound so familiar.Everybody wants a piece of me at a time when I'm so stressed & spread so thin.I've been stuck for over15 months.I thought my husband was supporting me but he is fed up. He's lonely, retired & disabled with a lot of back pain & takes a good bit of pain meds. Most of the time he's on the heating pad resting his back. Can't walk but 10-15 minutes at a time & needs to sit down. We can usually go eat out & maybe visit one store & that's it. He has been very patient but I think thats over. My siblings have their own issues. One is retired & the other still works. They live farther away.They have helped as much as their time allows.Things are not so simple in assisted living either. It is built up to be great. Some residents are fine but challaging for others. It is also expense & there are extra fees for services. However, less expense than nursing home. So for me I'm tired of being made to feel guility for taking care of my Mom. I know she will pass someday same as me. So I've been staying at my Moms house which is a little over an hour+ from my house. Sitters come & go. Some can only work certain hrs. so I feel like I can't just up & go. I'm older & have my own health issues & it's hard to drive back & forth-I'm exhausted & it takes awhile to recoup my energy level. Thanks for letting me vent. Ya'll take care.

I am a husband of a caregiver. I have had many obligations in business that have taken me away from home and away from the most important thing, my immediate family. But when these things occurred, I consulted my wife and partner as to her feelings about it before accepting it. Turning away offers that didn't meet our mutual interests.

What always gets to me on these chats is people who automatically assume the husband is selfish-self-centered for bringing this subject up with his wife.

Five years ago my wife came to me after learning her sister's, who has MS, was dying. In almost the same sentence she asked if I was ok with asking her sister to move in with us. My wife and I are in our upper 50's and started going out at sixteen, so she has been on my life a long time as well as my wife’s. I don't think either one of us truly understood the ramifications of this decision. However, I love her sister as if she were mine and agreed.

After five years and six figures in financial cost, we had decided we are whipped. Now we find that because she had given money to her children, she has an eight month penalty period with Medicaid to get a bed in a nursing home. A subject for another chat.

Now, during this process, I had to go to my wife and explain my feelings that I felt she had been taking me for granted as well as forgetting her own children. And while all this was going on her sister's mental health had been deteriorating and depression had taken over. She started attacking me to my wife and staying quiet around me. My children had told me what was going on and suggested that she was trying to separate my wife from me. At this time I brought it up to my wife and she thought as you did, that I was being selfish and she owed it to her sister to take care of her for life. At that point I had enough and asked my wife for a divorce, I had no such feelings especially since her children never cared and didn't lift a finger to help as long as we were here.

After talking with her children she my wife has since taken note, has gotten some help herself and we continue working on repairing our wonderful relationship. I thank God every day, as do our children that she was able to finally see through all that was going on.

So please do not always assume selfishness in a spouses request for another to reconsider their caregiving obligation. Sometimes in caregiving people start out with great motives and then guilt takes over when its inappropriate. I believe that the nuclear family, those we chose to marry, and those that we created and are clearly responsible for, to be the most important people on earth in our lives.
Not having been there, inj there specific circumstances, you can not see what anyone elses spouse is going through, nor know the promises they have made to each other. There are only two people in a relationship qualified to make those judgment’s and if reading thoses judgements keep a husband, or a wife, from going to their spouse and talking it out before it’s too late, it would be very sad.

FF I admit I always feel a little "ooooo!" of irritation when 2010 flashes up under a post; but the forum is for people to learn from others' experience, I guess, and the same problems do come up time and again.

Well, you have to respect your husband's wishes. I'm assuming he's just a man that wants his wife around and not a jerk or abuser. If you want to stay married, you need to put him first. Men want their wives in their bed. Most men are linear thinkers. Listen to his opinions on how this should be handled and don't dismiss those opinions.

But, most importantly, protect your marriage. Many have fallen apart in this situation because women in particular think they can do it all and dismissive of their husband's input.

Jeannegibbs, I just noticed that, too. Curious why such old postings are still being recycled, as many things can change over the years.

Just FYI, this question is 4 years old.
:D

You need to be home. I think that you know it. Your mother either needs 24 hour care, or soon will. Tell her the spot you are in and talk her into making decisions, now. I see my own mother's home (full of all of her stuff), sitting empty and she has been in a NH for 18 months. My MIL did it right. She sold and gave away everything prior to entering AL. Either get your mom someone to help at her house or get her to move to a senior's facility.

I have had two failed marriages...without a doubt, listen to your hubby..good husbands are few and far between..I have been without one for 12 years and still caring for mom...with no appreciation. Hope this helps...Sandi W.

The care for your mother is admirable. What you need to also consider is when she is gone will your marriage still be there. Your husband is trying, but he cannot do it alone. You made the choice to become wife and mother. Your priorities must balance between you, your husband, children and mother, in that order.

I understand although my mother lives with me and my husband. He has been WONDERFUL. He helps so much with her, but I know that he must feel neglected at times and so does my 18 year old daughter. I feel so bad and I have said that I don't know what is the most important role in my life, a wife, mother or a daughter. All I know is that this part of my life is VERY hard. I feel for you, I really do.

Accounting:
My prayers and thoughts are with you at this hard time. God has a way of working things out for us, sometimes not the way we want them to be and not with the "timing" we like. Deep Breathe, and take things in Gods time and I am so glad you are involved in a hospice program, they are such a positive blessing. I am praying hard for you as you are taking this journey.
Blessings,
Bridget

Hello Everyone. My Mom was hospitalized on Friday, her oxygen level was 72. On Saturday we met with Hospice in her room. There is no longer anything they can do. In short, she is dying. We brought her home yesterday (Sunday) and as a family have set up a schedule so someone can be with her. I still have to work full time, but at least this opened my siblings eyes. Right now, we don't know how long she has, but she is declining rapidly. Our goal is to get to christmas as she has requested that she have one last christmas in her home with her family. The doctors did not give us a time frame, so who knows really. Just wanted to give you an update, and my thoughts go out to everyone who is going through this.

Thank you everyone for the advice, and especially just for listening. Mom was supposed to come down to my house for thanksgiving, but said she couldn't make. She said she just couldn't stay awake. She sounded weak, but I had a house full of people and couldn't get away. She had an appt with her cardiologists this Monday, and when I arrived to bring her, she was sitting in her wheelchair, very shaky and said she didn't want to go. I made her anyway. When we got into the doctor's office, her blood pressure was very low, and her oxygen level was 84. They were going to admit her into the hospital until I noticed holes in her oxygen tubing. They changed the tube and upped the level on the oxygen tank, and she shot back up to 97%. So, she was sent home. We changed all of the tubing in her home, thinking that is what was causing the low o2 level.
She has lost alot of weight and has no appetite at all. I asked her to come live with us, and she said no. I told her maybe it was time to see about assisted living, she said she can't afford it. I remember seeing these signs when my dad was dying. Guess I just need to tell someone! I have asked my siblings to step up but they always have excuses as to why they can't. I have about had it with all of them! Thanks for letting me vent

I'm glad that you and your husband are talking about this now is much better than one spouse going head first into overfunctioning which creates a lack of balance in the relationship to the point where requests to talk about things are ignored and sometimes this goes on for years after which we have read pleas for help here that their husband either speaks out very strongly or speaks with his feet. Contrary to society, we men do have feelings also and we don't like feeling that we are bascially a single person in something that once was a marriage. From my perspective as a man, a husband and someone whose wife has had some big issues with her mother, when a marriage becomes unbalanced like ours was, it does feel like you are married to more than one woman.

There are two really challenging times in a person's marriage. First, the birth of the first child. It is a major adjustment at which time some men leave; some couples loose themselves and each other by being a child centered fanily instead of an adult centered family; or they find a way to create some balance. Second, the decline of a parent for some places a challenge on one's marriage vows about forsaking all others and cleaving only to your spouse as well as the desire or for some people the biblical teaching to make sure their elderly parents are cared for. Women tend to be expected and sometimes even emotionally wired by a parent, often mom, so that they can press those old buttons of Fear, Olbigation, and Guilt which are so strong that an imbalance in one's marriage is viewed as normal. On the other hand there are some men whom mom has emotinally groomed to be her caregiver and these guys have a tough time not putting their mom ahead of their wife. This theme is a rareity on this site, but it does exists.

It's your turn at the second big challenge. It will require some solid communication between you and your husband. I'm not a therapist, but if both or one of you get stuck, please get a counselor to help. I think this posibility needs to be brought up at first, agreed to without pressure by both and motivated by wanting to keep and build a stronger marriage in this new part of life. This site is full of marriage toombstones and some stories where after being in a tailspin, the couple got back on course. If it is also full of the grief of hindsight and it's guilt for not seeing things clearly until long after the dust settled. By finding the right balance for you two, you will find clairity about how to love and honor an aging mother in need by a now adult daughter who has her our marriage. What you mother needs most and your marriage needs is for you to keep functioning emotionally as the adult daughter and the adult wife. This is also important for your own sense of well being. People who were trained as children that the main thing is to always keep mom happy and if mom is not happy then no one is happy have the most difficulty in not reverting back to the emotional child son or daughter. An elderly parent's decline has a way of uncovering remaining mom/dauther or mom/son type issues.

Like I said at first, I'm very proud of you and your husband talking about this and wish you well in finding the right balance. A very good book on this subject which addresses the need for balance and boundaries when our parent's get older is Boundaries in Marriage by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. There is more to having healthy boundaries in a marriage than just not committing adultery. I wish you well.

While there are selfish people out there, I do not agree with Tennesse's assessment.

I do agree that it is true that a woman's husband needs to be confident and have incredible patience and make sacrifices for his wife's responsibility to give care to an aging parent, especially during this transitional time for your mom - you may have to stay with her for a few nights to get her settled in after her hospital stay. This also goes for the wife whose husband looks after a parent, but we hear of that less.

However, I hardly think that a husband wanting and NEEDING his wife is "selfish, self-centered, it's all about me or that the world revolves around me or being wimpy." Accounting, don't find yourself growing old alone because you were too exhausted emotionally and physically to give your husband any part of yourself at the end of these many long days. Believe it or not, men DO have feelings and limits too. We reap what we sow.

While it is our responsibility to care for our aging parents, help is out there. There are reliable companies who offer wonderful caregivers to help out. Get her one of those phones that features a small pendant that can be worn around the neck that will dial your number with the press of a button. Get your siblings involved more. Heck, I am an only kid with a divorced 3x, depressed, lying, angry father who would love to dump everything on me (even the things he is perfectly capable of doing but is too lazy) who I struggle to look after. I WILL NOT let this man, even though he is my father and I love him so very much, ruin my marriage. Sorry. I will do all I can for him and enlist all the help I can, but beyond that, the big #5 (honor your mother and father) does not include "allow your mother and father to destroy your new family." Period.

Hang in there accounting. Don't forget - family loyalty also belongs to the one you took an oath with before God. Your mom would not want you to lose that. Find balance. Enlist help. It will not be perfect, but the mission will be accomplished.

I am troubled over your husband appearing to be a selfish-self-centered-its all about me kind of person. Those kind of men are a dime a dozen,My dad never gave my mother a ultimatum-he respected her decision to take care of her mother-compassion is a good quality-[[I am a man and the world revolves around me]-those kind of guys aren't to hard to find.I tend to wonder if he doesn't have consideration for your feelings in other areas also.A confident man would support you during trying times-putting pressure on you is not support.Do what you know is best for who you are and your morals and family loyality-some folks just don't GET IT.Being a care-giver doesn't make you a little girl,it takes a very strong person to do what home caregivers do.Some people just aren't strong enough to handle stress-caregiving weeds out the weak and the wimpy real quick.

I know it is hard, but don't put your marriage at risk. I am dealing with a very difficult dad.

I know this is so difficult being pulled in different directions. I think you do have to find a balance though. Of course you need to spend time with mom, but you can't let your marriage fall apart either. I know your mom wouldn't want that to happen. Communication with your husband is paramount during this time as he needs to understand your need to be with mom. It is not that you don't want to spend as much time with him. Good luck, I know this is very stressful.

i,ve been caregiving ,4 years, dad passed away in april, mom,s 92. health care for aged , usually don,t get well. if you are planning on working your job, being in your home , with your family, hire help to stay with, mom, or place her in a facilitie, that can care for her. my folks are not pleased, at anything. the arguments on allsubjects, are so tiring, and ,physically she can,t do any thing but complain. , my hiring others, to help me, gives me a much needed break. what i,m trying to convay to you and others , don,t wait to take action , because 5 years from now you could be in the same boat. bless youi

Dear friend here in New England~ It sounds to me that you are very much in between a rock and a hard place-and do not know which way to turn-which is very understandable, especially to add that this is the anniversary of your Dad's passing.
I think what is needed is to have a peaceful family meeting-and air your concerns to everyone. In a peaceful and adult manner. You have nothing to lose-and hopefully much to gain, with the input from others. Once this is acheived, you can move forward-and with the knowledge of everyone knowing the dilemma you are in. This could possibly lead to less guilt and any confrontations as well.
Last-and most important-you need to take some time for yourself-in order to be an effective caregiver to all your family members involved.
The challenges you are facing might be resolved to a great extent-once family meeting is called-and all possibilities of resolution have been reached.
Best to you and to your family.
Hap

You state that: "She is very caring and would never want me to be going through this if she knew I was." Does she have dementia or alzheimers? If she doesn't then perhaps you are being emotional because of the anniversary of your Dad's death. If her mind is OK she shouldn't NEED you to stay with her. I have Congestive Heart Failure, COPD,SLE, DJD and Rhem. arthritis. I take care of my Mother-in-Law who is 89 and is in stage 6 alzheimers. The point I'm trying to make is your Mother may enjoy having you there BUT she doesn't NEED you there with Congestive Heart failure and COPD.

I want to thank everyone for their answers. I am feeling better about things, for the moment, anyway. Mom is back home from hospital and is doing much better. The visiting nurse program have stepped up their visits, and even came in on Saturday. It is nice to have another pair of eyes looking in on her. I went back home on Friday, and things are back to normal with hubby. So for now, things aren't as desperate. I am so glad that I found this site, I knew there were other people going through the same thing, but didn't know who to turn to for that extra support. Thanks again to all and Happy Thanksgiving

Accounting,
It sounds like you're micro-managing everything, instead of letting your siblings pitch in. Take advantage of them actually WANTING to help take care of their mom. Don't let your pride of thinking that your mom depends on you more than them, ruin your marriage, health etc. Maybe mom needs to start being practical and move out of her home into asst living so that you wouldn't have to make these decisions. Taking care of a parent shouldn't mean the demise of your marriage. That is NOT what God planned in the first place when he created marriage. As long as she's being looked after sufficiently, your good to go. When mom dies, and you've put your marriage on the back burner telling your husband that he's a second class citizen, you'll be alone. And the same goes for him and his parents too.

This is for your family to decide. Talk about it with your husband and siblings and your mom. What does she want? What care is needed if any? Can she be accommodated in your home or the home of a sibling? Is she independent? Does she get along with all? Is her mental condition ok? What is the honest extent of her medical problem? Answer these questions and communicate.

Don't frame it to yourself as having to choose between your husband and your mother. Frame it as logistical needs to be met. Include your own individual needs, your husband's individual needs, your kid's needs, your mother's needs on the list. Some needs are obviously going to overlap: your needs include husband-time and your husband's needs include you-time, right? When you look at the list you'll see why you're feeling overwhelmed. So start solving the list -- find other ways to take care of anything that just has to be DONE, not necessarily done BY YOU. There's no substitute for quality time with you, but there are many other ways to get someone to and from doctors appointments or fed or checked on, etc. On top of the benefit of the actual solutions, just seeing you look for other solutions besides doing everything yourself will be good for everyone.

You are in a very tough situation. you want to do what is best for everyone and who knows what that is. If you give to one, it seems you take from another. While I wouldn't throw your marriage away, I think part of the vows were sickness and in health generally and it may not have been only yours it referred to. I would not say you are "enmeshed" becasue you love and want to care for your mother when she needs you. I would try to solicit as much assistance as you can, this situation is not going to get better, she will need greater amounts of care as she fails physically and it really is not something you should have to do on your own. This isn't like child-rearing where one growth stage follows another it is the reverse. You must get help from family and friends, and any services or agencies that provide services to the elderly in you area. Talk with your husband so he is aware of the issues and the bind you are in. It is unfair to give someone an ultimatum in regards to loved ones who need care. While you shouldn't have to make yourself ill looking after your mother, you also shouldn't be made to feel you are letting everyone else down when your mother needs such focused care. This is life, it isn't perfect or even convenient at times, but it is unkind to make someone make a "it is them or me" choice while they are doing the very best they can to please everyone! I hope you can find a way to work this situation out that is good for everyone, including yourself.

my mom lives with me, she has a leaking valve in her heart, copd, diabetes, osterportosis, just got over vertigo and a broken rib, I have a therapist coming in to help her to get her legs strong enough to walk with a walker, Medicare will cover a many in home things for your mom, contact them, also is it a possibly that your mom come to live with you or does she make enough money that she could move into an assisted living facility? hope this helps, hugs

Amen, Emerald4Me! Such emotional enmeshment with mom's is a tough battle from which to get free. We enmeshed adult children find it too easy to take on too much responsibility and burn ourselves, our marriages, etc. out because we feel like keeping mommy happy is our prime responsibility. When our emotionality wins the fight, we too often go into auto-pilot as if we are their little child all over again which is not what they really need nor handling life responsibly.

accounting, right now your emotions are understandably raw on this anniversary of your dad's death, and such feelings are entirely normal. It sounds like time for a family conference and for input from your mother's doctor about is she or is mom safe or not safe to stay home alone; then look into your options and as a family pick one. I do hope and pray someone has both kinds of POA but if your mother has not given that to someone, I would not wait to lead her in that direction one more day. My heart, my mind and my prayers go with you! :)