I'm a newlywed, and my husband's father has required more care lately. How do I get over jealousy and feeling like he's not with me mentally?

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I understand that his dad needs care, but it upsets me when things at our house get overlooked or forgotten. His dad has dementia, but before the wedding he was capable of living alone, with help each day. After the wedding, now that my husband's not there as much, his dad has gone downhill and can't seem to be alone. My husband drives down to San Diego a lot to take care of him, and seems to be stressed about his dad when he's home with me. Do I just need to get over it, or does anyone have suggestions for how I can help him handle both relationships?

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DAMN IF YOU DO , DAMN IF YOU DONT , just go with the flow and the good ole lord will guide to the path for u to follow ...
as for getting oil in the car , its easy , drive up to walmart and tell em what needs done and go shop at walmart and come back out ur car is ready , easy , better now than no car cuz it blew up cuz no oil .
hank . ure a sweet heart . :-)
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In my case the buzzards aren't family or even friends. Just vermin (with criminal records) on the street that have Mom's dementia figured out better than I do! (Mom thinks they're wonderful people!)

If I wasn't here doing what I'm doing, they'd have her doped up, signing POA's and applying for credit cards in her name!

And this is something else for you to think about, amyjoydon. It's a deal where if you want your loved one cared for the right way, you often have to do it yourself!
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Amy, I recently wrote an answer to your issue. After reading the many other answers that have been written, I would like to say that my child and I have never been placed as even the equal priority when compared with my husband's relationship with his mother. She was widowed when he was nine, remarried and was widowed again when he was an adult, but she was always financially stable. She just wanted all of my husband's attention and resented the fact she was a widow. As she became less rational, she became more demanding. After years of attempts to change or work with the situation, I backed off, did not divorce my husband because I do love him and wanted my child to have a father. What has happened as my child has become an older teenager is that he has very little respect or use for his father although he loves him. I have wanted him to grow up to be an independent young man and he is. I want him to live his own life and not feel the need to be responsible for me. He and I have a strong relationship, but I have my own interests that should make it easy for him to create his own life without feeling the need to look after me. His father's failure to prioritize the people in his life has damaged his relationship with his son and he now realizes it. I was three years older than you when I married my husband.My parents wanted and expected me, my husband, and my child to be a part of their lives, but my husband's mother insisted on being the priority in his over his wife and child.There is a huge difference in those two approaches to relationships. I would have loved to have been close to my MIL. I have always believed that there is always more room for people to be included in my family, but she only wanted her son. Now that my mother in law has passed away, my husband tries to make us a priority but finds it very difficult to change years of making his wife and son the last on his list of important people. I think he has placed himself as the most important person on his list of priorities. I am telling you this because you and your husband need to know that you can end up with a life like mine or you can fight to create a life that includes everyone. He needs to know that you may not be willing to be last on his list of important people. Money does not have to be the issue, love does. I pray that you will work out your situation. I do not know how much longer I will stay with my husband now that my child is in college. I don't need his financial support and have, sadly enough, learned to live without his attention. Take care of yourself and remember your worth as a person. Best wishes.
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I know about the buzzards. My step-brother would love for my mother to use her estate to pay for him to go to the rest home one day. Sure, nice idea but her money and securities has always been separate from his all of which she made me co-owner with right of survivorship with me being the executor as well as the sole receptor of her estate according to her will written in 1979. I'm glad she wisely bought long term care insurance in 1996 right before her mother died for that has saved her estate a lot of money. If this sounds mean, one would need to understand that she viewed him as an escape ticket from that little town where we had lived for 8 years following her divorce. When I left for college, she went to the beach house until medical problems sent her home several years ago. I've been a 'mamma's boy' and had to fight for every bit of freedom and identity that I now have.

If the market continues like it has been basically going up by very small steps, we are are far more diversified that before with the very real potential of being able to create enough each year from the investments to pay what she will need per year if she is still alive for one never knows.

Take care.
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cmagnum@ I don't think she qualifies and Dad was 4F during WW2. There's also the estate, including the family business that I need to keep an eye on, for Mom's sake as well as my own.

There's too many buzzards hanging around Mom who would love to get me out of the picture, then get their hooks into her affairs and bleed her dry.

I don't consider myself a loser or a mama's boy, however the *appearance* is there ---

And I know it is an instant turn-off for most women (and even some employers!), especially if they don't know me well.
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AMY:

Can't have him all to yourself for 1/2 hour; can't hold him long enough; and he parts with you all the time to take care of Dad. Your Shadow Husband needs to review his list of priorities, but won't as long as you sit by the phone and flutter about the house waiting and wondering when he's coming home.

Make other plans baby, and let him wonder about your world just as he did before exchanging vows. Whatever you did to get him is what you have to keep doing to keep him around, so make the natural hunter in him chase you all over again ... and then catch him.

Buena suerte.

-- ED
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Hank,
Does your mother qualify for medicaid? I remember reading how difficult your mother is on another thread, but their must be some other options because to be without a job at almost 50 predicts a very poor retirement. However, I don't think what you are doing makes you a "momma's boy" and a loser. From your description of her, she is blessed that you are even trying to help her.
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For what its worth, I'm single, almost 50 and had to quit work to take care of Mom.

My situation is this -- If I continue to take care of Mom, then I'm a "momma's boy" of a loser with no income -- However, if I leave and go get a job, and a life, then I'm an ungrateful low-life jerk! Because, after all, what kind of man walks out on his helpless, 82-year old mother?

It's almost a double standard.
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I can share with you the perspective of one who is walking around in the same shoes as your hub. I am constantly being torn between the immense responsibility of caring for an aging parent as well as trying to be "present" in my marriage. I have been married a lot longer than you two...I can't imagine taking this on after 2 months of marriage. (so please do not beat yourself up about wanting more "alone" time with your new hubby. as sweet and nice as you say he is he has an equally nice wife - who else would take the time to come to this site seeking advice and answers??)
I constantly feel guilty that I am driving my hub crazy as I vascilate between decisions, take our vacation to do things for Mom, and fill in for an "absentee" sib. It borders on obsessive at times. I fear that one day he will run out of patience - but he never does. And I appreciate it immensely.
Did it occur to you that your hub feels that way about you? Someday this will all be over and I guarantee that you two will feel that you did the right thing. Does knowing that make things easier now? Not so much. But doing the humane thing is its own reward.
This does not mean that you need to always put the needs of his dad before your marriage...in fact, I would not recommend it. Boundaries need to be agreed upon. Dad needs to be moved closer. His care needs to be handed over to the professionals who will keep him safe and give you guys a break.
Good luck to you two...just keep the lines of communication open.
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We have definitely decided not to take him into our home - due a lot to your advice cmagnum - I had posted once before we got married. He was taking care of his mother and father and wanted us to move in with them. I was against it, and was again wondering if I was selfish. I shared a few of your posts with him and it helped him to see how that would be bad. Now he is adamant that we need our own home and space right now as we start our marriage. And I'm very grateful for that! His mom went into the hospital the day after we were engaged, and never came out. I will need to look up that book. And I agree with everyone who says he needs to be closer - it will benefit everyone.
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