How can I handle the feelings loneliness and isolation from caregiving?

My son was very ill as an infant until he was 8. The isolation was difficult for both of us as my husband went on with his life, and the two of us stayed home. We missed many holidays until I started creating my own traditions that fit our situation. Then I started a card ministry in which I wrote two or three people each day who were also isolated. Before long, I found that people cared but just needed a little reminder that we still existed. Also, I reminded people that we cared about their situation. I did feel down and blue at times even after I started making changes but it did help. You are not alone with all of us on the site. Please write whenever you have time. Rebecca

I just got home from a very frustating day with Mom. I cooked a nice Easter meal (which I NEVER have time to do for myself), bought some flowers, and made a nice dessert. The whole time I was there she pushed her food around the plate, sniffed at the flowers, and whined that she was "getting useless" and begged me to stay with her overnight (a regular occurance now.) I can never have a moment to myself, I cannot take vacations without a mommy meltdown, I feel like I cannot breathe.
I think that it just exacerbates the feelings of isolation during holidays. Not only do I feel alone, but now, everyone of my holidays (which I used to love) is ruined. I am glad that others have shared their experiences today because I thought I was the only one feeling miserable on a holiday....again!
The one thing that I was looking forward to when my mom moved near us was having the chance to celebrate special days with a family member. This is NOT the way things have turned out. Mom uses every opportunity for a pity party.
I can feel my health dwindle and I cannot remember the last happy thing that happened to ME.
But I have a new plan...starting May 1st, I am creating a new regimen for myself. I want to get healthy, have a better mental outlook, and make some changes so that I am not shouldering all this by myself.
On this holiday, I am very thankful for everyone here who have become my long distance family and my unflinching, caring, support system. Thank you and bless you for taking time out of your insanely busy lives to share your advice and moral support with us all.
Take care everyone...have the best day you can manage...and please join me on May 1st for a "new-and-improved-me" day!

Lilli,
My mother-in-law had to have her two front teeth pulled out last on Monday cause of periodontal disease. While I felt really bad for her, I was also dealing with my own mom who was dying of cancer. Mom died Wednesday after a rapid decline of only 3 months of really being sick. So on Friday I took my mother-in-law back to the dentist to get her new bridge with the two new teeth put back in her mouth. On the way out of the dentist office she was complaining about the appliance etc. and feeling really sorry for herself. I had just HAD it at that point with mom only being gone 2 days before, so I asked her 'Gee, I wonder if my mom would've rather had her two front teeth pulled out, or DIE OF CANCER?' She really liked my mom and she admitted she was being a baby and how sorry she was about my mom etc. Point is, I think we all need a reality check once in awhile to put things into perspective. There's always someone worse off then we are, it's all relative. Even though my mom died, there are people who's loved ones suffer for much longer than my mom did, so again it's all relative.

I wish I could tell you that the support is there you just have to find it, but my own experience says that you don't find it ,you have to purposefully build it. I was 6 months into caring for my mom (24/7) in my home when my first grandchild was born 6 hours away prematurely. The short story is that I called my "best friend" who said it wasn't really a good time for her to help. The light bulb came on and I knew that I was really in this by myself. If I want respite care I pay for it. I have a couple of backups for emergercy. But all that said it is Easter and I am home with mom, no hunting eggs with the granddaughter who is now almost 3. Caregiving does make us alone and invisible, we do it because it is the best available for the parent, certainly it affects our life, contacts etc. I hope you find some comfort and wisdom in the day and know that while no one else notices you are the whole world to your dad. Somedays it seems worth it, in my case I am not sure about today. But one day at a time, hoping that tomorrow we get back into the routine and it will be better. And there are many, many more of us sacrificing in the same way, we just aren't all together.

I know how you feel. I care for my mom with dementia, age 88, and we won't be able to spend time with others today, Easter. I know I'll get through the day somehow, and cook dinner and take a walk or something, but it really is a lonely time. Thanks for starting this thread, it was just what I needed this morning. Love and understanding to you. ssk

Lonely, Crazy for Feelin so Lonely, I'm Lonely, crazy for feelin so Blue

This is a great thread, holidays have been such a let down the last 5 years. My Aunt & Dad both died in 2005 before Thanksgiving and my mother had her 1st stroke in between their deaths. I too have always been the one who tryed to make every holiday special, I get all exciting and make plans which always fall through. It's like my mom will have a crisis no matter how small to ruin everything. She did this before her dementia set in. You think by now I would lower my expectations or try some new traditions, but I always get myself wrapped up in the same tug of war. I feel that I have become so numb that I can't even cry, the ony emotion I ever show is anger or exhaustion. I agree with lilliput May 1st would be a great day to start a new plan of "taking care of myself." Who else wants to join this idea and what are some suggestion for things to try.

This is my first holiday alone as my mom is in a dementia NH. She used to live with me until she totaled her car 2 1/2 hours from home and that started her "journey" (and mine) into the whole confusing hospital/NH/medical bills/guardianship mess. I was invited to a friend's house but just didn't feel up to trying to be cheerful, which probably would have been good. Just watched movies and cried off and on all day. Actually, it felt good to cry instead of stuffing it in all the time. Maybe watching a comedy on tv, a movie, would help cheer you up. I watched "the King's Speech" and that was very inspirational. Watching tv is my great escape!

Hey sweetie. It is good that you asked about loneliness and isolation from caregiving as I have been feeling the exact same way and kind of abandoned by my "so called friends". It is kind of hard to believe that the people that we thought cared about us are nowhere to be found when we need them or even the least bit concerned about if we (or our parents) are doing okay or not. Some people are just downright nosey and don't even care how we are doing. The only person so far that is available to me is a lady at our local careline because it is hard to talk to a stranger for ask for help that actually cares and understands and won't put you down. One good thing is that I finally got a job transcribing medical reports after graduating 6 months ago and the owner was kind of giving me a hard time. Also some of our neighbors are rude, aggrivating and noisy which makes for an unhealthy environment for an elderly couple and a burned out caregover that has nobody to really depend on for moral support. Anyway I am gonna go try to get some work done to avoid getting depressed, moody and get my mind off my problems to be more optimistic. Sometimes it is good to pick up some hobbies or things to keep us busy to meet new people and get our minds off our problems so we don't get too depressed. Thanks again for sharing as this is a good topic and nice to know other people feel this was and just hope it's not many of us. Hope things get better for you. Please keep posting on the forum as it does help so you don't feel so alone. Take care and do something nice for yourself

Hi Denisenini,

This is my first holiday alone with my mom. She moved in with us in February. My husband and son went to his side of the family for Easter so it was just me and mom. My dad died right before Christmas so these holidays are so hard. We couldn't even bring ourselves to dye Easter eggs this year as my dad was the one that always loved it the best. He was so creative and fun.

I made my mom and I a rare treat of broiled scallops wrapped in bacon and a green salad. We also watched "The King's Speech." I had the volume up to 100 (!) and she couldn't hear it very well, and the light reflected off the TV, and your fireplace looks off balance (???) and........So, how was the movie? LOL

I know how very, very it hard it is sometimes to battle the blues. Sometimes you just have to laugh and know this too shall pass.