How can I give up my Power of Attorney?

Daughter1926. I couldn't believe that someone like me is also out there. My husband and I want to relinquish POA and DPOA for my mother. We were given this responsibility in the 1990's Judi in case. We have had it!! She has emotionally abused me for years! We have had it. My brother lives in Florida and never lifted a finger to help. The last few years have been a nightmare. Getting her into an assisted living facility, and after 4 moved finally getting Medicaid for her. We thought things were finally settling down . She keeps falling and broke her arm. She was placed in a rehab/nursing home and the plan is for her to stay. Last week I heard through another party that she wants to leave because she isn't happy there. She has done this 4 times in the last year!! Conniving behind our backs to find another facility. We thought that now that she is in a long term facility that she finally would be settled. My husband and I have had it. We bith have physical issues of our own. I have had 2 heart attacks and bypasses. I am legally blind so the burden has all fallen to my husband. Last week he wrote a letter relinquishing our POA and DPOA and want no more to do with this person I can't even bring myself to call her mother. We contacted my brother in Florida and told him we gave all his information to the nursing home. My husband and I both signed this letter and gave a copy to the social worker at the home and a copy to her. Who would have ever believed she would live to be now in her 90th year! We just don't care anymore. I don't care what happens to her now. I know that this sounds harsh , but I've put up with this person who was never motherly to me. All her attention went to my brother who has shown no interest in her. We live in NH and just can't deal with her anymore. Do we have to do more to finally get rid of these responsibilities!! I've cried years of tears over this. My husband and I just want to live our own lives. My husband just retired and we want to enjoy our own lives and my daughters and our grandchildren. You can be sure I raised them exactly opposite than I was raised., and they were told and shown daily that we loved them. A word that I never heard. We just want out!!!!

Daughter1926, I am so sorry for what you are experiencing.My father verbally and emotionally abused me also. He had the good graces to die before my mother and no one had to take care of him except her.

Both my parents were very narcissistic and emotionally immature. They both came from broken homes. They just didn't/don't have it to give. I have tried for years to get my mother to make me an alternate on her POA in case I needed to take over for my brother. No go.

So I am at peace with letting the courts deal with her if it comes to that. She can go into whatever they deem appropriate. I have warned her and she would rather accuse me of wanting her money, etc. etc.

I read between the lines on your post that there is much pain. I hope you get some help for the anger (and I know there is anger, I have it still) and other bad feelings you have.

No one can make you take care of your father. The problems seem great with Medicaid. That is an eye opener. You need some professional advice as to what avenue to take to be able to get him help. Just don't take him into your home. If you don't agree with this statement, please read all the posts from people who have done this and the nightmare it has become.

I am sure you will get many comments. There are so many on thsi site with issues dealing with difficult parents. Sift through them and, in time, you will see your path. Good luck





Good luck to you.

Yes, seek the advice of an elder lawyer. Believe me, lawyers "get" more than you think. I have two in my family, they are not dumb. What lawyers do is specialize in certain areas of law. So it is our duty to hire the one with a speciality in whatever need we have. That is where some make mistakes.Assuming all lawyers know everything about all law. And like many things, there are the good ones and the bad ones. Also, ask who is good. You need to have many questions answered and answered properly.

When you resign your POA, there will not be one unless your father appoints another, if he can. Maybe you can hire a good, ethical lawyer to handle everything. There is never an easy answer when dealing with a difficult parent. I still have many unanswered problems with mine. Good luck to you.

Daughter1926, were you able to give up POA? I'm in a similar situation except my problem is my father has no assets because he either gambled or gave away everything to younger ladies of questionable character. He foolishly thought they were going to stay around and take care of him. He is 78 and also has dementia and Parkinson's. He lives by himself in an apartment and has some help during the daytime. I feel he needs 24/7 care though. He can't cook, clean or drive and also has urinary incontinence. He has refused every assisted living place we (brothers and sisters) have taken him to and won't even entertain the thought of seeing another one. He has no savings and owes federal and state taxes. He is living off his pension and social security but half of that goes for someone to assist him. He thinks he can still do everything and that he has no problems. I live on the east coast and he lives on the west coast so it makes it more difficult to assist with his affairs. My brothers and sisters will help to an extent but won't take him in. We tried to warn him about his behavior but he just told us that we are not his boss. I've done just about everything I can do for him. I'm living on the edge myself. I see someone in order to deal with anxiety. I'd like to get out from under all of this. I can't do much more for him.

Daughter, 1926, sorry I clicked too soon before I finished above post. After you resign from POA, you would have to have a legal guardian appointed by the court. Do you really want that to happen? Believe me, I do understand how you are feeling, but as a representative from Elder Services told me; if you go that route for guardianship, you will lose all control as to where your father can be placed. I do know how they can drive you off the deep end, but when I realized that I could at least control the facility my mother was going to, and not have her in some hell hole, I decided to stick by her despite the fact that she was causing me so much stress. Take a couple of days to rethink everything, you don't want to do something you might regret later. I know washing your hands of it all is quite appealing and whatever you decide to do, I will be here if you want to vent and will not comment on your decision. Just wanted to make sure you had all the information before you do anything. Thinking of you and sending hugs. Take care.

There is a Resignation of Agent form on line. Just Google it. Print it out, fill it out and have it notarized. Give copy to your father and anyone else who has you as the agent.

That seems to be according to the state you live in. There is a strange law called the filial law in 30 states. It tries to make children responsible for their parents but in the past has not been inforced. I would do some research about the laws of your particular state and what is considered negligence.

I am with you, I don't want to be forced to take care of my mother. She has done everything she can to keep me in the dark about her business. So I figure she doesn't want me to be involved. Fine with me.

Daughter - I understand more now how you feel. Do you thing if your father spends down all his money to the $2,000 allowed by medicaid, that he would be approved. The properties he owns would have a lien put on them and it would be up tot he state to get their money upon his demise. As far as being responsible for anything owed by your father - a lawyer once told me, just don't sign ANYTHING - and I never have. It is a nightmare you are going through - but, I have overheard workers talking at my mother's nursing home to the effect that one of the resident's family members no longer wanted to be involved with the care, etc. and the nursing home was assuming the responsibility. You have to do what you have to do and until I've walked in your shoes, I don't know all that you have been through. It's sad that it turns out like this, but many elderly bring it upon themselves, unfortunately.

It is a huge burden to be POA for a parent, even if that parent is not difficult. The nursing homes expect YOU to pay if Medicaid doesn't, even if they can't make you, they can make life extremely difficult. They will threaten to evict your parent. This is such a huge problem in this country. Adult children should not be responsible for parents who didn't make sure they would be taken care of. I want to help my parent but do not want to be in the position of being responsible for EVERYTHING, and being the one who the nursing home calls all the time. I have children and a family myself. This is literally making me sick. I am worried all the time. My mother gave money away to a grandchild which may jeopardize her getting Medicaid and it becomes my problem!

I have a cousin that as POA has gambled away all of her mothers funds that were earmarked for her incompetent mother's assisted living costs. Her mother
has advanced stages of dimentia and I need to know how to get her daughter
to willingly give up her POA and transfer to another responsible family member.
I have the stick as leverage as I can report her to Health and Human services
and she will be arrested and convicted and sent to prison if she does not.
So what I need is the specific technical details and forms and procedures to
not only get her to resign but also what is necessary to transfer POA responsibility
to someone else. Question one is can someone with durable power of attorney
assign POA responsibility to someone else before they relinquish Durable
POA ?

IO