A few weeks ago my husband and I (mainly me) became secondary caregivers for my husband's grandmother who has mid-stage Alzheimer's. Her youngest child quit his job and moved in with her last summer to help get her on track due to elder financial abuse by her oldest son and his wife. In getting her finances back on track he decided to have her attend a senior activity M-F for about 4 hours a day because she's be in the house all day doing nothing. Recently, our uncle has asked us to "Grandma-sit" (his words) so he can have weekends free since he says she's done things that make him very leary of leaving her alone ever. We live about 50 minutes away so far the past 2 weekends she's stayed with us. Uncle brings her to our house and I bring her home. The agreement was once a month, but now our uncle is asking for a third week (but my kids and I already have plans so I couldn't have her over).
I've given our uncle ideas of things his mom and he can do on weekends together so he's not so trapped as he says. My ideas have been going for walks, going to see a movie or going to a museum. We both live outside of a major city (them North and us South) so there's no lack of activities at all. He says he doesn't have anything in common with someone her age (she's 76 and he's in his late 40s).
Unfortunately, the only trustworthy family she has anywhere is the uncle and then my husband and I. Grandma's other 2 children don't check on her even though one is in the same county. The oldest son and family moved 2 hours away so they use that as a reason to never check on her, not even a phone call.
Our uncle and her doctor have made Grandma aware that eventually she would need to lived in a nursing home or similar, but my uncle doesn't want o do that just yet. He doesn't want to do anything with her except necessities like medical appointments. Grandma doesn't want to go to a home and fears that eventually she'll be sent there. She says she rather live with us than a nursing home (although I haven't told our uncle). We have the space and the guest room and bathroom are all hers when she stays.
My husband and I don't mind her coming over and our kids and I have a nice time when she's there. The consistent friendly reminders of things I said or having to repeat things over and over in a short period of time are a bit annoying, but we lovingly do it because we know it's not on purpose.
We feel that if she's going to be over every weekend so that our uncle can have his time that she might as well live with us (she agrees with that too). Her son yells at her, belittles her and makes her feel embarrassed, even in front of my family too (who've made comments to him about his verbal treatment). Recently on the way to our house she said she had to use the bathroom and he wouldn't stop anywhere - so she peed on herself since she wasn't wearing depends that morning. He says he's so frustrated with having to care for someone who's like a child. Since I don't live with her, I don't completely understand his frustration. I can empathize, but don't accept his poor treatment.
My husband isn't involved in the medical prognosis because he's so busy with work so really it's just his uncle and I that are involved in Grandma's well-being.
Can anyone offer any advice on how to get our uncle to want to spend time with his mother? I feel bad for her and want to be able to provide our uncle somemore support as well. I never imagined having to be involved in the care of a grandparent (not even my own blood relative), but that's definitely what this is turning into. Thanks for your support.