Dad refuses to wear adult diapers and continues to walk around leaking urine like it's ok. How can I get him to care?

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Try getting an old friend (or his doctor is all else fails) to get him to understand that smelling like urine is not "independence." Taking care of the problem is! I know it's hard since most adult chave trouble accepting incontinence issues. Family members are often consider "nags." But a third party can sometimes get through. If he realizes a friend notices the problem, he may do something about it.
Good luck - you aren't alone with this,
Would "pull-ups" help? A little more time with changing them but we use them alot and with good success. Urinary infections are a huge challenge with our dear elders. As with any incontinent product, it must be changed often. We toilet our folks every 2 hours and more if they ask. Our dear men are our biggest challenge. We did remove all Mom's underwear from her bureau and replaced them with the "pull-ups"
tehlee, this can be a hard one. Does your Dad live in your house? I can only give you the solution that worked for my husband and I with his mother. She lived about an hour away from us up until a yr ago. We started noticing the "odor" coming from her ( she was also allergic to baths....:) then the deteriorating condition of her home. Most times when we would go to pick her up to take her out to dinner she would insist on meeting us outside, rain, shine, snow, I "pushed" my way in one day and OMG.....she had been peeing all over everything....carpets, couch, you name it. My eyes burned so bad not to mention what it did to my nose. We also found out she had been falling frequently. Anyway, the ONLY way that worked was a threat.....we have will wear diapers, or you will have to go to a nursing home. Then we sat her down and explained that NO ONE would know she was wearing them. No embarrassment out in public when she stood up and the back of her pants were wet, etc. Of course in the meantime we were building her a home that attaches to ours so we can care for her. That leads into another long list of care issues, but with my vigilance she now changes several times a day. You might look at your local stores or online....there are several different types of underwear that might suit. If he only dribbles, maybe a small pad is all that is needed. Please try to get him into something, because your home or his will really start to reek and it's not easy getting that smell out.
Instead od adult diapers they now make underware with a guard in them, he may feel better about that, if you need to, take him to the doctor and then court and get a medical power of attorney or gurardandian ship, they way you can take care of him as you see fit, hope this helps
Those are good tips, get authoritative help, leave no options and remind them hygiene could be a deal breaker for staying in there own home...Firm but gentle....
Can his neurologist or urologist explain to him the need to have better care of his personal hygiene-as it potentially can lead to serious issues....and as stated-If he wants to remain at home, he needs this done. Perhaps-for everyones sake-he will see what he needs to do, and comply!
Thank you all for your feedback; I've given everyone's ideas some thought.

First off, I've thought about claiming him incompetent but he is fully sane and it would be an expensive battle with a dim outlook. Also, he donates a lot of money to his primary care physician's charity so this particular doctor is very reluctant to "encourage him" to get on the diaper wagon, because he does not want to get on my dad's bad side. Can't get my dad a new doctor, because he doesn't want a new one...for obvious reasons. However, I will seek more help from his urologist.

Secondly, he's about 280 pounds so it's been a challenge to find adult pull ups in his size. I have the "male pads" for him but the issue is him not agreeing to use these products. I understand the it's his ego and manhood that is being bruised but it's gone on for years now.... I think the denial is so deep that he actually has convinced himself that it is ok to urinate on himself and go about his day. I've even been on a plane with him, where the pilot has come out to talk to him! The pilot was so genuine and kind but my dad just agreed to see the doctor about (who told him about the diapers) and did not go further in prevention.

Lastly, I moved home to take care of my mom, who had a degenerate illness. After she passed on three years ago, I seemed to have been deemed his caregiver because now because his diabetes is out of control (which I know has something to do with the incontinence). My only sibling is no help. I could move out to eliminate my headache all together, but that wouldn't solve his problem with the world.

I know his outlook has a lot to do with his grief over mom's illness and passing, but his complete lack of self care is taking a huge tow on me. I'm not trying to make excuses for him; I just need a better understanding of the psychology of aging. I wonder if anyone has had luck approaching their parent to take better care of themselves, when the parent seems to have deteriorated so much? How did he go from taking 3 showers a day (when hot) to now barely a shower in a week?! I'm stumbled : (
Tehlee, the lack of personal hygiene is an affliction of the elderly. When my mil started to reek I began to ask questions of others and every single person I spoke to stated their parent(s) became hydrophobic the older they got. No one seems to be able to answer the why for me.......What I keep reminding myself is that as the body ages so do other parts.....brain cells start to die and our loved one doesn't think or do like they used to. Especially in Alzheimers.......they can have wonderful long term memory, but no short term. I don't agree with turning your loved one into a zombie, but sometimes a little help is needed. MIL would not bathe on her own.......after a couple of weeks my hubby I would go and tell her she had to bathe.....the fight was on....she would scream, shout profanities, say she wanted to die, accused me of being "meaner than a snake", so she gets picked up, stripped, put in the tub and washed. Her doctor told me to start giving her an extra dose of zyprexa in the morning......what a she is not a zombie, she can fend for herself, but I still bathe her myself on Wed and Sat and she let's me now without a gripe. No matter her state of mind she still won't voluntarily bathe. You will probably have to get very firm with Dad......if he was thinking "straight" he would not want to be wet and smelly. And shame on his doctor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And you deserve a big hug.....keep trying......
We had to strip up the carpeting in the house because my mother had urinated all over the place. We finally told Mom that her adult pullups were her " special panties" and that they were new. The point is that you have to say whatever will work; or try the doctor talking to him; or if all else fails threaten. One tip - we have found 1 product that really works well for urine odors and stains. If anyone is interested, let me know and I'll email the name of the product to you. I don't want to give the company free advertising.
tehlee, as someone else said, "Shame on that doctor for worrying more about his favourite charity than looking after your dad properly." Obviously the doctor has influence over your father so the doctor should be able to persuade your father to wear something absorbent to soak up the urine. I hope the urologist can do the convincing. If not, it seems to me that you are going to come up with some of the ultimatums that have been suggested by others. This situation will only get worse (you say it's been going on for years already) if you don't take charge of the situation. Your father has to realize that having you care for him requires some cooperation on his part. You are only asking him to do something that is good for him. It is not manly to walk around leaking urine. I am sure he would have felt totally ashamed and unmanly if he had happened to do this when he was younger. Could this be a way of approaching him about the problem? Could you say something to the effect that he looks old, out of control, and unmanly with urine spots on his clothes and that you know he doesn't want to look that way so he should "get with the program" and wear protection. If he has to be placed in an institution he will have to then so why not do it now and avoid for a while the necessity of having to go to an institution because he won't cooperate with you. A 200 pound stubborn man is a lot for you to deal with so take care. Don't take any abuse - verbally or physically - over this. You are correct in wanting him to deal with this problem properly. Please let us all know if you have success. Best wishes.

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