How often do I have to go visit my Mom in the NH?

My Mom, age 90, has been placed in a NH one state away, 100's of miles away from my home. She has dementia. The road to get there is not a good road. I have to drive b/c my husband can't drive b/c he, too has dementia. I have to take care of him. I am disabled and can't work or sit for long periods of time. I am in constant pain. I am not yet on medicare and my deductible for health ins is $10,000. If I get sick then its out of my pocket. The pocket that doesn't have much in it.
My sibs say that I should go to see Mom at least once a month. When I go any long distances, I come home completely exhausted, well for that matter even short distances, like 20 miles. After taking care of husband, the house, the yard etc. its too much for me. Disabled and in pain. I feel like I have to take care of my health and it wasn't my idea to place her so far from my town. Yes I could have someone drive me there, but even that is exhausting. Plus it is a big city where she is and the driving there is a nightmare. I am a small town driver. Plus I am elderly as well. She had me when she was very young. How about if I send letters and cards? She doesn't have a telephone in her room and doesn't do well on the phone anyway. So how often do I have to go there?

Answers 1 to 4 of 4
Why doesn't she have a phone in her room? I thought all nursing homes had at least ONE phone? My mother-in-law also has dementia and is almost blind due to macular degeneration, but I got her a big button phone and programed the few numbers that she would want to call, into speed dial. Even SHE can call me (unfortunately sometimes) ha
Brandy. If I'm in your shose I stayed home and take care of husband and myself.
Why do your sibling do not understand your conditions?....we have to take care of ourselves first, so we could take care of others. Sorry we are not super women.
Nancy, I don't know why she doesn't have a phone in her room, none of the residents have one. If they want to call, they go to the front desk and the nurse/receptions helps them. STP, why don't my sibs care about my conditions, b/c they are not interested in me, that's why.
Top Answer
brandywine - My heart goes out to you and I understand what you are going through. It's sad that your siblings don't care about your condition. Unfortunately, many people don't understand anothers plight, especially when it comes to chronic pain. I am in pain constantly myself and the only one to care for my mother in NH. She lives 2 hours from me and the driving is becoming too much.

Hugs and hugs to you - chronic pain is often unbearable even without having to face the long drives. If your siblings don't understand, there is nothing you can do about it. I have reached out to my sister living 3,000 miles away and often met with no response. To be perfectly honest, I don't care anymore. And I hope you can come to that place too, otherwise, you won't find any peace.

The sending of cards and letters is a wonderful idea. Your mom has your siblings to visit her - in my case, it is only me as my mother turned away her friends and family due to holding a grudge or not getting her own way. She doesn't understand why I am unable to get there frequently. I'm still struggling with this being the only caretaker. I use to see her more frequently, but I am physically unable to at this point.

Chronic pain is only felt by the person experiencing it, and it is a lonely place to be - dealing with it on a daily basis is exhausting. The only thing that helps me is my faith and my family, and the wonderuful people on this site. You are not able to see your mother every month; I totally understand and you have a lot on your plate. So, stranger to stranger - take care of YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND; and if your siblings don't understand, please know I do and will keep you in my prayers. Blessings to you and take care.

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