What is reasonable for me to offer as assistance to my sister?


My 89-year-old mother recently moved in with my sister. I live in Texas, my sister lives in Florida. She has grown children and I have teenage children living at home. I call my mom everyday and try to be supportive of both she and my sister. My mother had to move due to health reasons. What is reasonable for me to offer as assistance to my sister? My mother pays her a monthly stipend to live there and my sister provides for many of her needs. Mom is ambulatory but does need assistance with daily living needs. They are being to get on each other's nerves, and I feel caught in the middle. I would like to help but am not sure how. I plan to travel to Florida every 3-4 months to offer a week's relief to my sister. What else can you suggest I do?

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You meet half way with Mom, and trade out caregiving. You take her for 6 months and she can have her 6 months. Get ADULT DAY CARE !! or find someone that needs a room for rent and include MOM as their room mate.
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One thing is for sure: the last thing I would want is my mother to move in while I have my hands full with teenagers and their raging hormones. Anyway, whether your mom is pulling her own weight or not, it's still your sister's home ... and her rules.

If you take sides, one or the other is going to feel betrayed and you'll never hear the end of it. So don't. Instead, talk with your sister about assisted living. That might be enough to get Mom to compromise.

If you're not at peace when you come home after a hard day's work, either you're living in the wrong place or with the wrong person. So I can understand the stressful battle of wills your sister is going through; and I don't blame her one bit.

Barring a mental illness, both of you should put your heads together and make your mom an offer she can't refuse. And mean it.

-- ED
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Brstewart1960: sounds like you are doing okay. It's not your fault if your mom had to move for health reasons. I think it's great that you call and stay current, you do send money, and you spend both time and money to visit and give your sister a week off every 3 months. Thats awesome. Will you adopt me? I've always wanted a sister and to think someone has a sister as nice as you sounds wonderful. All I have is 3 stinking brothers who don't have the brains God gave a grasshopper.
Don't feel guilty because no matter how much you do for some people it is never enough. They will suck the life right out of you. Take care of your own family, continue With the phone calls and quarterly visits but don't feel like you aren't doing enough.
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