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My Father had bladder cancer and now it has spread to his bones...He is very tired, has no appetite and he is uncomfortable. could someone (who has gone through this with a loved one) please tell me how long do we have? He tells us he does not feel like there is much time. We are going to the oncologist next week. He is almost 86 and has some other health issues also. My heart is broken, but I do not want him to suffer. My family, bless their hearts are rallying around us... I am trying to stay focused on making him comfortable and peaceful.

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I lost my dad 2 years ago we did in home hospice . I have no way to say how long he has but I can pass on some very important points to help you in this sad situation .
The hospice nurse told us that the cancer victim will decide when he passes as well as whom is around when he passes . In our case my dad passed on after we all had left him to sleep (around 3am )

Keep in mind that though a cancer patient may appear unconscious or asleep they are very aware of whats going on around them so ots best not to say anything in ear shot . My family and I were sitting feet away talking about the good times we had as kids and though we thought dad was asleep he smiled .
If he is ptescribed oral morphine do not withold the medicine for fear of it expediting his passing . My sister forbid us from giving my dad morphine in her belief he would die from it . I thought that selfish and called the doctor who agreed with my opinion that it wasnt a strong enough dose to expedite his passing .

In my experience dad stopped eating and drinking . His urine output was very little and his urine was very dark . we all knew from his dehydration that he didnot have long but suprised us by bouncing back only to pass on a few days later .
I am grateful for having him inmy home for hospice we got very close in his last days .

I will say that before he died he described it as very beautifull ...all the colors then he called out the name of his dog he had as a child . He loved living in the apartment in my home and actually said " you are going to have to carry me out of here I like it so much here "
His wish came true .When the funeral home came to take him the clouds cleared and a mockingbird broke out the most sweet variety of chirps I have ever heard .
I hope this post can help or comfort you . My experience leads me to believe that passing on in life is not the end . Bless you !
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I am so sorry to hear that you're going through this. Watching a parent in pain with no way to help is so very hard. I've been through it too....It's hard to understand how long your dad will last. Some people seem to hang on and others pass quickly and quietly. My first advice is that if you can't control his pain - if it's hard for him to bare, don't wait for a visit to the oncologist, take him to the ER. They will help make him comfortable until you can see the doctor. Second is that you contact hospice ASAP- call your local hospital's social service office and ask for their recommendation.

Your oncologist should be able to give you some indication of how long he might have left. Be sure to ask about palliative care - how he can be made comfortable. ASAP, ask that hospice become involved in his care. Decide whether to keep him at home or in a facility like a hospital or hospice center. Hospice nurses and aides will do all they can for your dad and for you. Let them do the physical tending so that you're free to laugh and love your dad - AND EACH OTHER - as well as you can. As the end nears, don't be afraid to touch your dad and get involved in tending to him. Let your instincts guide you and remember that - controlling his pain is a high priority but he needs to feel loved now more than anything. Best of luck to you and to your father. He's lucky to have kids who care so much.
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thank you, I did call hospice yesterday... They will not get involved till we have an actual prognosis. I have notified the Dr office and have gotten other pain medication for him! I recently made him some current cakes which is an old scottish recipe ( we are all scottish) and he asked for me to make them again. My Grandma always made them and it made him smile and brought back good memories... thank you for your kind words!!!
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SOON - Days or a week or two.

I base this on a couple things, one he is not eating, has no appetite to eat. So soon he will start to lose the potassium, other electrolytes that he needs to keep functioning. The lack of calories and consumption means he will get weak soon. It is the body's way of turning of the lights one-at-a time.

Second, he "knows." My mother also knew when she passed. When they actually "tell" you, it's a strong indication, please take it as a peaceful, in-control time for him and your family. When there is still "fight" in them, they are willing to take pills, get up/down to the toilet, will try to eat. (If he can eat more than the current cakes, then he might pull thru. Otherwise, it may be his way of thanking you for bringing back a bit of the old memories and happiness.)

I hope I'm totally wrong. Some docs, my mother's oncologist for example, never did "call the time" and I was too young to know to be insistent and to get hospice involved. If your dad can still make it to an office visit, I'd go in ASAP, appointment or no appointment. If not, maybe you can get the prognosis from the oncologist (by insisting) or your family practice doc.

SO WHAT if hospice lasts 3 days or 10 weeks, that's how it is supposed to happen. Hopefully, they will be able to then come to the home and give you some support. And most importantly, let you focus your time on your father.

Hoping his time is comfortable, as is your heart, when he can finally rest completely.
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thank you robert888, I appreciate your kind words...My Dad still has his sense of humor. On friday he told the onocologist being in pain is against my religion I am a devout coward! My sisters were both here at the weekend, my niece and her children and also my son his wife and our grandson. Dad really enjoyed seeing everyone. We kind of took turns going to visit and only one sister stayed with them. We had no GREAT bid family meals that is just too hard!!! We are trying to offer him things he likes in small amounts and he appreciates that. thank you again... take care, J
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Chemo can be really hard on people... however I would listen to the Doctor and ask questions. I know this is VERY hard... I wish I was close by to help you! Just remember they need you and be sure to rest when you can... take care, J
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You are right, Debralee. My husband has a "much larger than expected" malignant cancerous tumor in his bladder. It has attached itself to the wall. The urologist said some of the tumor was scraped during the cystoscopy; but, even repeating this procedure two or three more times will not get all of the cancer. He was obligated to tell us the options, of course. Of course, removal of the tumor is impossible. The next step would be to remove the bladder and surrounding organs, leaving him to urinate into a bag. The doctor's body language was negative throughout the explanation of what was discovered and what the options are. I was shown the cat scan on the computer screen as two other urologists were called in to "consult" about the cystoscopy. They were very concerned about a break in the wall of one of his kidneys. Logic tells me that the cancer has spread. His age (87) and heart condition are working against him. He looks and acts younger than 87. The day he was released after the cystoscopy, we had discussed being thankful for our 22 years of happiness we had enjoyed with each other. He told me that he is an old man (something I don't want to accept...I am 68) and that something is going to kill him. It might be a heart attack. It might be the cancer. It might be any number of things. So, we are going to live each day as if it were our last. Both of us are planning to have some minor medical procedures done this month. We plan to enjoy some time "to do whatever we want" in October! In November, we are planning to have Thanksgiving week, or more!, with one of his daughters and her family. They may or may not be able to be there as long as we are, but this is their retirement home that they do not live in yet...soon, they hope...and we have always been welcome to enjoy the change in weather, humidity, and just to spend some time in a gated community on a beautiful mountain of VA. During the second week in December we have planned a Caribbean cruise. One of his other daughters and her husband are touring the USA in a motor home and should be in our area of FL in January. If something happens to prevent any of these plans, we will deal with them as they come. I, as his wife and caretaker, however, want to know what to expect and when to expect it so that I can be prepared. So, yes, this is a 2012 thread, but I am benefiting from it. Thank you to all who have posted here and who might read this and post some more. I want to make the quality of his life to be of primary importance, and I want to be with him (at home, I hope) until the very end.
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Jaye, Your father sounds like a wonderful man. It is so good that you are able to bring a smile to his face with baked currant cakes and visitors. He is surrounded by love. I am so sorry you have to see your father getting weaker and for what you are going through.
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thank you anne123 I appreciate your kind words...
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My husband had bladder cancer when he was 32 and then had a another tumor 4 years later - but now 14 years later - something came up on his pet scan and now had a bone biopsy- what is the probability that he might have bone cancer - He is only 52 years old - any help would be appreciated
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