How do you let go of your mother when she passes away?

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My mother passed away on Tuesday, November 2, 2010. Though I am coping well, I sometimes feel a sense insanity coming from deep inside. As if if boils over I will go completely insane. I feel like nothing I have ever felt before.

My mom and I got along in a way. We were so different. I feel so guilty that perhaps she was sicker than she led on and I was still so upset with her.

Not until she really got sick and couldn't do anything. And even then, I was so upset. But my momma was as stubborn as a mule and never truly accepted help from anyone until the very end.

It was hard to care for her and about her illness because she never let us get close enough emotionally because of her need to be so independent.

I already miss her though. I would rather a million nights more than to have her gone.

Do you just not think about it? Do you cry until feel like dying? How do you handle such agony? How do ask for forginess from some who is gone and with whom you had so much contradiction?

How do you let go of your mother?

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When my father died in 1991, I too felt I was going insane. I felt I was right on the brink of madness for about a year. After the first anniversary of his death I felt a lot better. The only thing that helps is the passing of time.
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I can relate to you I just lost my mom December 10, she died in a nursing home from alzheimers dementai , you and your siter will be find fine a church that has brienwnt counselling thats what i'am about to do. my mom was 92 yrs old this was a real shock to me. i lost it. she was late stages of demenetia alz. my prayers are with you.
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CallaLilly,
I have almost the exact same feelings. My passed passed away very suddenly this week - the police had to call me at work to "return to my residence" - and I am still in shock. She has lived with me for over two years and I have done nothing but complain to and about her. I loved her so much but couldn't stand living with her. I KNOW I could have made her life happier but I had so much stress in my life that I just couldn't deal with her on top of it. I knew she was declining a few year ago but I couldn't move her up with me from Florida because my now ex husband was divorcing me but wouldn't leave the house. There was so much animosity there I was afraid he would do something to her when I wasn't home. I had to find a job ( I had been staying home with our children) because he cleaned me out financially and did some other underhanded stuff to destroy my credit rating too, but couldn't work full time because of the kids and then later mom. I finallty moved her up from Florida when he officially moved out and I changed the locks. I went back to my first career and am working with special needs kids. (School hours let me be home earlier than a 9-5 type job.) I LOVE it and the kids, but after being with them all day, coming home to a "special needs" adult was too much. I met all her needs and tried, tried, tried to be loving (and was very often) but would snap when she would do some of her nonsense. I have tremendous guilt because of it and don't think I will ever work that through. I do talk to others and they keep telling me "you did the best you could" but what if you feel that wasn't good enough? I certainly feel she deserved better. She never complained or yelled back. I wish she had, maybe it would have made me stop and think. Now my name here should be "ReallyHateMyself".
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Thank you for all your comments. I am actually going on vacation, but I am not going sky diving, I might just not open the parachute. My niece turned 10 the day after mom passed away and we are giving her a special party.

I know time will make it easier. Since mom lived with me these last 3 years, I guess I'm the one that has to carry the guilt of "what could have been done" or the doubts from my siblings about her finances and her well being. But I can deal with all of that.

Just because of how she was is the hard part, but it was also just the way she was. I never knew if my mother was ever truly happy. I just hope that she was.

And time will pass and I will feel better.

thank you again.
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I am so sorry about your loss. My mother passed 12 yrs ago and it was the hardest thing I've ever been through. I'm sure you've heard this before, but, time does help. You will find a new normal for yourself and the wounds will start to heal. I'll be honest with you...it took about 5 yrs. for me to get to the point that I didn't cry at sometime throughout my day. Hang in there for all those that love you and need you.
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Callalilly, I just think you need a vacation. Do something totally different that you would usually do. How about sky diving? I think while you're plummeting to earth, that would put things in perspective for you. Life is short. Your mother made her own decisions, you did the best you could. Let it go. Don't waste another minute on the 'what if' stuff. That WILL cause you to go insane.
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callalilly I am so sorry for your loss. You write very well of your feelings. I don't think you ever let go of a mom. My mom's Alzheimers is so bad now that I find myself crying just from the mere fact that I have noone to talk to anymore, no one who will give me that solidness of "what if". Yes I mourn her even though she is still here.

It will take time, but you mourn however way you see fit to do so. In your dreams you will have the chance to talk to her and you can tell her all things you need too. I lost my dad in '72 and when I dream of him I still ask him questions.

You take care of yourself and lean on your family and friends if you need too, that' what they are for. But at those times when you are alone and you need to cry, just go ahead and let it out.

Take care sweetie.
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I just loss my Mother November 5, 2010. We had a very close relation ship. There were 5 children. We all helped care for Mama the last 4 months 24/ 7. She was 79 years old we had her for a long time, but I still wasn't ready to give her up. Its sad, I still cry at times, even today. But I know we did everything we possibly could to take care of her. But that doesn't keep my heart from being broken. I have faith in God and I will meet her again.
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I am so sorry for your loss. I don't think you ever let go.. It just eases with time. My mom, also, was very independant and stubborn. We got along really well, and my husband and kids oved her very much. We begged her for years to come and live with us. She finally relented when diagnosed with terminal cancer. She came to live with us in the final months of her life, and I would repeat those months in a heartbeat. You only leave this world once, and you should leave it with loving arms around you. It has been almost 10 years since her passing and I still miss her every single day. However, my thoughts now are of all the good times, her delicious meals, the holidays, her smile and laugh... It takes time, but the grief diminishes. So many things in day to day life remind me of her, and that just makes me smile. My heart is with you, embrace your grief, give into it momentarily and then move on. Your mom will live in your heart forever.
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I recently lost my mother Oct. 29, 2010. We were close, but different in many ways..this last month we had our ups and downs...but that last day was a good day and we were looking forward to her coming to live with us, but she never had that chance. I also lost my dad when I was 16 and for years and those "teen years" I wasn't the kindest or most loving and so felt sad, mad and guilty for not being able to let him know how much I really loved him...I finally had to realize that he knew that I loved him and that how we were with eachother was the way it was for us to learn lessons to be better people, to ourselves and others. I had been with my mom just about everyday for these last couple of years...and so I too am at a loss about what to do now that she isn't here...but I know that this is a new chapter in life and I have to feel that she is in a better place and no longer suffering with her dis-ease. She was very stubborn, hated losing her independence and having to lean on me for support, so sometimes her words and fights with me I think were her insecurities that she felt about herself and not me...and so that may give you some comfort to know that your mom loved you and that maybe she didn't know how to take help from others and the only expression she had was thru anger and frustration. Please find someone to help support you at this time and hopefully someday soon you will find your life in balance again. My heart goes out to you (-;
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