How do you deal with caregiver burnout?

Is there a possibility, an actual possibility, that you all can move somewhere else away from her? I'm not talking about what is best for her, but what is possible for you. Can you move elsewhere? If so, if you have an "out," think about using it.
Now, I'm not saying TO use it. But what seems so hard for most of us, at least in my view, is that we feel trapped. If you can financially afford to live elsewhere, KNOW that. Maybe even figure out where and how that would be.
Then be prepared to tell Mom that you have a plan to leave her to paid caregivers because you and your family are being treated unfairly and I lovingly. Which is the truth. That you do not need to put up with it, because you have other options. And that SHE has other options: paid care in the house, or a facility where she will get the care she needs.
I can't believe I am even suggesting this, but it so seems that this mom needs a reality check, and a big fat one at that.
She is likely acting out on you all because she has lost things that matter to her: youth, desirability, freedom, physical vitality. That's a hard place to be.
But it's not an excuse for being a jerk to you. Is this behavior new, or have you seen it before? It feels like old news, and if it is, you need to know it won't get better short of something that forces a change. And change looks like all kinds of things...including that she no longer lives in her own home.
Why does she get to decide whether a paid caregiver is there or not? I'd bring them back and LEAVE, so she doesn't feel like you are wasting her/the money for the caregivers.
Breathe. Listen to music. Garden. Find something that grounds you. Find ways out of being trapped, even little ways. In fact, start with noticing all the ways you feel trapped, and see what you can do to turn that around.
Sending you good vibes.

I agree with Jane about at least looking into another living arrangement. Like you said you are all doing everything but being abused for it. What about moving elsewhere and giving her the option to come live with you? It would change the dynamic? Maybe just the discussion would make her think what she would do if you were not there. If her dementia is that bad it may not work? Since I have been reading the forum I see so many people who have lost or ceded all control of their lives while trying to help someone. There has to be some sort of middle ground where you can help someone or be a caregiver but not end up utterly powerless in the situation.

Matuse, don't be thinking you are a horrible person at all for thinking or saying how you feel - caregiving in many instances can be the hardest thing some of us have ever had to do. We are all dealing or have dealt with so many versions of dementia/alzheimers and to different extents; many worse than others. Venting is good and you came to the right place. Jane had some good advice. This will not get any better, only worse with time. Hugs to you and take care.

Was your Mom always this way? Was she always "difficult"? If not, then I'd suggest visiting a gerontologist (a specialist on aging) and have him evaluate her. This is always one of the first steps that I recommend to people, because it made such a big difference in our lives, both for my Mom and for the rest of my family. Mom would cry at the drop of a hat, and medication helped to stabilize that situation, taking her back to being her "old self". It's so normal to feel resentment when you're in this situation; you feel as though you're being robbed of a part of your life that you'll never get back, and you're giving it up to someone who is ungrateful and hostile. One of the most beneficial pieces of advice that the gerontologist gave me was that it was every bit as important for me to take care of myself (and to sometimes remove myself from the daily routine) as it was to care for my Mom. My Mom wasn't going to get any better; there's no cure. That didn't mean that I had to burn myself out in the process. A good gerontologist will not only serve your mother, but he'll serve you as well. The right medications could get your Mom right back on track. It still won't be easy, but it will make it easier to bear. Good luck.

Visit our special caregiver burnout section to help you manage your stress and emotions from caregiving. https://www.agingcare.com/Caregiver-Burnout

It's completely ok to feel resentful and frustrated with your situation. And good for you for reaching out to this community to share what's going on and ask for support...that's not an easy thing to do! You may want to find a support group in your area (call either the local Alzheimer's Association or your Area Agency on Aging for a list); support groups are a great way to hear from other caregivers what's worked for them and to get support.

Dealing with someone who has dementia can be extremely challenging, especially if they don't understand how much you do for them and why you need a break. Talk with her doctor about her mood, learn as much as you can about dementia, and maybe try some new ways of talking with her (there are a lot of good guides on dementia). But you still need a break and, even if she doesn't like it, try home care again. Tell her the doctor requires it or it's a friend coming over, anything to make it work. She may not like it, but may get used to it (and as long as she's not physically aggressive to the worker, she can complain about them all she wants). Maybe an Adult Day Program would be another way to get a break too. Try www.alz.org or www.caregiver.org for more tips too.

My mum veers between being pleasant and cheerful with me, and accusing me of plotting against her and doing all sorts of sneaky things to undermine her and make her look bad with the neighbours. At first I got very upset, and we had terrible arguments. When I tried to discuss it a day or two later she had forgotten all about it and said that I was suffering from an overactive imagination because I read too many books! Now it still hurts because it's my mum and I still need her approval, but I just let it go. She can't remember the tantrums, and I realised I was trying to force her to apologise and make it better for me. The crosser and pushier I got trying to get her to rationalise her thoughts the more determined she became not to give in - she's a tough fighter! I take her out as much as possible (I live 70 miles away and work), and we go away - always to the same place and hotel - now and then, and as others have said, distractions and involvement work best.

Ditto on everything said here. When I first started bringing in caretakers mom wasn't bad. She never really liked sharing me with anyone but she was stuck here all day while I was at work. A very painful memory for me. Regardless of what she wanted I got the caretakers any to act as companions. I had them operate the t.v. play games with my mom, do word puzzles, go for walks, fix lunch, take her out etc etc. Of course, I wanted them to do the things mom wanted to do. I had a least 4 wonderful caregivers that did these things and more and my mom grew to love them! One care giving did art therapy with mom and mom liked it. It didn't help me much because i had to take over when i got home from work and mom really missed me and wanted my attention; i had to cook dinner, mom helped with the dishes and try to get some sleep for work the next day. Whether your mom likes it or not get the caretakers in. I really support the idea of "doing things" with your mother so her mind stays active and stimulated. If you really want to know what's going on between caretaker and your mom, they sell video baby monitors. I don't know how they work or if you can record the day or not. My mom also loved the enquirer magazine so i kept a supscription going for her. i also got lots of books from the library esp lady dianna books cuz mom loved reading those. I also got every week movie for mom; i got travel, hawaii (mom loves hawaii), blue hawaii (Elvis) and others that I thought she would enjoy. I would turn on a movie and she'd watch and I'd get a few things done. Good luck to you.

Matuse, I think that JaneB gives some good advice, but if you are like me and are determined to stick by your mom's side until whatever, I know that stepping away isnt' going to work for you, unless it is incremental.
I think that when our older loved ones suffer from dementia, mental dysfunctioning diseases et,al, we are left to battle the demons of reality with tools that often may help the loved one, but leaves us feeling like we are out in the cold. I've heard it said more often than not, the journey is worth the effort. I don't think this means that we should accept demeaning treatment, but learn to discern whether it is the disease or if our loved ones are taking their losses out on us. I can't tell you what to do, but I can praise you for being the loving caretaker that you are and I pray that you find relief and some solace before it takes a negative toll on you. Best Wishes, Mimara

I am in similar ordeal, and you should give your self a big pat on the back for all you do for someone who feels entitled that your giving up your own life to be there for them, and do everything. Take all this good advice posted, but making time for yourself, and family has to be one of the best tips. Moving out, and leaving mom with dementia just hasn't been a easy option for me, but my mom is so young with this awful disease, and well your mom will probably only be around another short while so I praise you for all your effort, and relentless love under not easy circumstances. Believe me I know exactly what you mean and how you feel. You will get your life back, just hang in there. Love and Light.