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i had a sharptongued customer / friend who bitterly told me i should be paying bills at my mothers house. her dad died unexpectedly from a heart attack at age 81. she never provided a speck of elder care in her life and damn sure not 6 years with a dementia patient. i finally wrote to her and suggested she vacate her house, live with her dad, keep up her own mortgage and pay half of his bills. we dont speak anymore. for 6 years i rarely came out to my own home, it hurt too much, and of course it was eventually burglarized. i paid some dues and im home now. all worth it..
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i get called a mooch every damn day, but you should have seen this place before i moved back. brother and his dope fiend buddies TRASHED this place. all 2200 sq ft of it. i have brought the property value back up. ive removed nasty wallpaper for every room and painted. some rooms a few coats. replaced the carpet, i do ALL daily maintence on this house that just had the gas lines in front and back leaking gas. i do all the gardening, yard work,repairs he should be paying me! there was no talk of my paying rent because i WORK here. if you think there is a problem in the house go over there and see for yourself. and elderly person does not have the energy to keep up a big house. so if its clean, how do you think it got that way?! sure wasnt YOU cleaning. if the place is a mess, then by all means, step in and get him out. but go see for yourself whats going on before you ASSUME .i never see relatives assume things are fine. they always assume the worst. they dont have time to help the senior, but they sure do bitch and moan without even seeing the house. do you realize that we have to tell the senior 'no' when they want to do something dangerous? my 87 yr old father picks the 75 yr old wooden toothpicks ladder , puts a plastic bag around his neck and climes the orange tree. the ladder alone is about to disintegrate, the bag around his neck he thinks is a brilliant ,convenient idea. keep in mind, we do have 2 good ladders right by the tree, and a scoop thingy on a stick you can pick fruit without having to climb. i cant let him do this, he trips over his fat feet when flooring changes ( carpet to tile,etc) i go out,no matter what im doing i must stop and offer to pick fruit for him. nope. his bag around the neck is his brilliant idea and he wants to put it to work. i cant grab him off the ladder, i cant yell or put him in time out. but i cant let him climb a ladder. so he gets mad and hits the phone. hes bored. he calls everyone in his book. the last thing in his mind is he is mad at me for not letting him climb the ladder. he leaves notes on my door telling me to 'stop screwing with his computer, its elder abuse ,' i wasnt awake yet , it was 6 am. forget comcast was just out here 2 days ago because the modem lights were off.
go find out if the person is helping or hurting before accusing them. if you dont like the job they are doing, then YOU do it
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I can't believe you lot who say perhaps he's a good lad....you are not living this poor ladie's life, we have EXACTLY the sam situation, and you have no idea how much pressure they can exert on old folk. They drip feed bad thoughts, and when they get elderly, they will trust ANYONE.
There should be a government dept in every country who takes action on these lazy, sponging layabouts.
Get a job, get a life, get lost!!
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A theme that ran in my family before my mother passed away was that the niece was draining my mom by living with her and truly sponging. Food, utilities, diapers for her child, and other supports were endless. I made my disapproval known when my mom had to borrow money from me to pay for her own medicine and other needs because she had handed out her cash. Once the situation spilled into my budget I felt the green light to speak up was on. Good luck.
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Ok, is he really leeching? I have cared for my mom since her first fall early 2008 and I do all housework, cooking, etc.... She just fell and broke her hip at the movies in May of this year and I slept at the hospital and rehab after her surgery and now sleep in the same room with her and my brother thinks that's abuse and he doesn't turn a hand. How old is your nephew? What does he do? Don't point fingers unless you know he is doing bad things to your mom. You need to take a deep breath before you point fingers.
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It's not abuse.
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For you people that thinks it is ok let me tell you a little more. My Mom requested help from me. My Sisters took the deadbeats side. We closed her acct in that state to help pay her taxes and small bills, and My Mom trusted my sister to help. I had statements from the acct and found that alot of money has been taken to go to dinners/ walmart/ ect...
My Sister is mad at me and my Mom and she called her a.m. and was chewing her out . SAD BUT TRUE
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I hear you loud and clear! Similar situation with my Mom. Niece AND nephew, not by same siblings, both leaching off my mother. Started as as I need to live with you until I find an apartment, for the niece, to her loosing her job and just never getting another one. "oh I'm looking" right, in between the partying, body piercings and tatoo getting, smoking, driving her own car (where's the gas money coming from?)....I can only assume with my mother's money since her mother also lives off welfare and my mother. The nephew, went out partying, ended up in accident. Car totaled, his leg badly broken and "he couldn't do stairs with his crutches" he was supposed to just live there until he got his cast off, ell nearly a year later for him and longer for my niece, they are both still there, sponging off my Mom, her house is a wreck, she's supporting them and the nieces cat, (HAS to eat REAL chicken, tuna etc...)

Yes my Mother says she likes to have my niece there, doesn't say anything about liking the nephew being there, yet the 23 &25 year olds are rarely there and functional at the same time! Some of my 11 siblings agree, some don't, some are the parents of these two and abusive of the situation too. None of the others have yet backed me up on any of this in front of my mother, nor helped come clean up the house. Something I think the two bums that live with her should be doing.

Is there anything you can really DO....I've tried and been kicked in the gut by most of the family for daring to speak up....if your Mom is okay with the situation and not being truly or technically , legally ,abused in any way...I'm not sure there's much you can do. Document whatever you can, rally any help you can in doing so, then if your Mom wants to live that way, well, sadly, it's her's to live. My heart goes out to you!

I have spoken up multiple times
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I hear you loud and clear! Similar situation with my Mom. Niece AND nephew, not by same siblings, both leaching off my mother. Started as as I need to live with you until I find an apartment, for the niece, to her loosing her job and just never getting another one. "oh I'm looking" right, in between the partying, body piercings and tatoo getting, smoking, driving her own car (where's the gas money coming from?)....I can only assume with my mother's money since her mother also lives off welfare and my mother. The nephew, went out partying, ended up in accident. Car totaled, his leg badly broken and "he couldn't do stairs with his crutches" he was supposed to just live there until he got his cast off, ell nearly a year later for him and longer for my niece, they are both still there, sponging off my Mom, her house is a wreck, she's supporting them and the nieces cat, (HAS to eat REAL chicken, tuna etc...)

Yes my Mother says she likes to have my niece there, doesn't say anything about liking the nephew being there, yet the 23 &25 year olds are rarely there and functional at the same time! Some of my 11 siblings agree, some don't, some are the parents of these two and abusive of the situation too. None of the others have yet backed me up on any of this in front of my mother, nor helped come clean up the house. Something I think the two bums that live with her should be doing.

Is there anything you can really DO....I've tried and been kicked in the gut by most of the family for daring to speak up....if your Mom is okay with the situation and not being truly or technically , legally ,abused in any way...I'm not sure there's much you can do. Document whatever you can, rally any help you can in doing so, then if your Mom wants to live that way, well, sadly, it's her's to live. My heart goes out to you!

I have spoken up multiple times
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there are human resources age. that can refer you to elder abuse age. ask for an evaluation of your mom,s sititution, at the least you will have it documented, maybe with outside people knowing, will make a difference in all concerned.
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Dang!
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Yes, do NOT assume this is a deadbeat. That happened with my sisters. "You are living there rent free...and what about all that food you eat?" No, you have it wrong, what about the $200 I DAY I should also be paid to be 24/7 caregiver. Also, free room and board and $200 day (or as I was told once... $186 day.)

However, people who are taking advantage, even if they are occasionally mowing the lawn...I think they are easy to spot. TV set on only to his program, she's slurking in the corner, he throws her a plate of food and doesn't care if she doesn't eat it. He has friends over all the time, she has no life. That is taking advantage on a small way...and we all know how it can escalate into total abuse.

And darn, another original poster who lets us all shoot off our big mouths giving advice..and not providing other details.
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Like the other post's have said - what it the situation from different viewpoints.

3 years is a good amount of time, if she likes the situation and is mentally competent then there is really very little you can do.

Why now, after 3 years, are you concerned?
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What about your sibling? What does the nephew's Mom - or Dad - have to say about the situation? Maybe s/he would be willing to help financially...
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There are three people in the story you're telling (at the very least) -- your nephew, your mom, and you. It will help you if you find out more about what's driving each person to act the way they're acting -- starting with yourself. What's at issue for you?
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Agree with Annet. Does he help with things around the house? Does he provide companionship that she needs? Does she feel safer b/c someone is there? Is she trying to help him through something to help him get back on is feet?

If not then he really needs to contribute or get out.
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Are you sure its abuse? Does he help your mom? Maybe they provide companionship for each other and its worth it for her? He might need help too. Families have to stick together and help each other but of course should not take advantage. I hope it works out well for you all.
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I would contact an elder law attorney. This is the association's Web site (however you may want to look locally) http://www.naela.org/

Good luck,
Carol
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