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i quit my job to take care of my mom who is on hospice,they told me she would live maybe for six months,ive tried to get my sisters more involved,but have rejected the request,i am the beneficary of all of her assets and i believe thats the reason for their absence.along with some great people at hospice,my mom is getting great care,and thats the main thing,recently my mom blew up at me saying she didnt want me around anymore,that all i want is her house and money,and she didnt want me when i was born,it hur some but i understand her frustration,the truth is upon her death ive decided to give all her belongings to my sisters with the exception of a loan i made to her so she could buy this house,i want nothing,i was emotional at first but thats over and am making rational decisions,when moms gone i just want out of all the hassel,im depressed and its almost ruined my finances.my decision is about my moms house is final as i dont want to live here anyway,i am a 54 year old male and this is the most difficult thing ive ever tryed to do,outside help from a personal caregiver is not an option,just dont have the money,i did hire a girl to come in for a few hours and all the time i was gone i felt guilt,my sisters seem to feel none,i am at my wits end thank for any advice

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PETE:

Your mother said she didn't want you? I'm sure your sisters feel unwanted as well since you're the sole beneficiary. That being the case, I wouldn't want to get involved either.

Seems to me your Mom planted the seeds of discord among her children by leaving you with just about everything, and now she's lashing out at the only target she can find. If your sisters were there, she'd probably try to flip the script on them to justify -- or try to live with -- personal decisions that have almost torn the family apart.

When my father died, the farm in Brazil and everything else he owned went under my name. My 4 sisters here in NYC got nothing, as my mother refused to provide him with official documents so that he could include them in his Will. He tried to redraft it, but the cancer spread so quickly he didn't get a chance.

Two months after the funeral I traveled to Manaus and called a family meeting. Of my 4 sisters, only Martha came (a self-made businesswoman with her own construction company in Newark, NJ). The other 3, social parasites who've made a career of public assistance, sided with Mom and said they didn't want my father's "scraps" and stated they don't need a man to survive. (Who does when Welfare [taxpayers] pay for everything?) What they didn't know was that Dad owned a total of 29,000 acres passed down from generation to generation that included a self-sustaining community. To my mother and 3 sisters, he was a "deadbeat" who remarried and had 13 more children. All of them, as me, went to private school and the ones who didn't finish college are about to.

To make a long story short, I divided all the assets equally among all children except the 3 sisters that didn't want to come forward and claim their patrimony. Get what I'm saying? ... Pay a visit to your sisters and offer the same arrangement. Maybe they'll become inclined to help out until your Mom goes to a place where there's no more suffering.

Good luck my friend.

-- ED
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Pete, you are suffering from burnout...we have all been there. You are making it worse by beliving the hurtful things your mom said and feeling guilty whenever you are away from her.
Try to seek some help through your local office on aging...mostly, you will get phone numbers from them - but it's a start. Contact local charities, churches, and the senior citizens center, and ask for volunteers who can come by one or two times a week and give you a break.
If you are the primary caregiver, your finances have been impacted, and the sibs do not want to get involved, DO NOT turn everything over to them. Why would you do that? ...just because they are carping? When they start complaining about your decisions, do not argue or feel guilty...just ask them when they would like to come by to give you a break. Then, enjoy the sounds of silence. After your Mom has passed, recover all the expenses you have paid in the care of your mom, including the loan, then divide the rest, if you wish.
As you said, no one knows how hard this job is. I can barely keep on top of things most days, and my situation isn't as bad as others. Anyone who says that they know what you are going through really doesn't (and some do not WANT to know.)
Take care...gets some breaks when you can. Seek counseling if it is available in your town...many have low cost or no cost centers. Put the family stuff on the shelf until you are in a better place to deal with it...and do not be bullied. We are here for you.....
Lilli
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