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Four years ago my husband and I bought a property with two homes so my parents who are disabled can live with us. I was a stay at home mom at the time and had the time to take them to doctor's appointments, shoppoing and entertain them. Shortly after that, for financial reasons I had to go back to work full time. My mother took it very hard because I could no longer take her out. Mind you, I had a 7 and 10 year old complaining of me not being home enough as well. She threatened to move out. She has fibromyalgia and my dad has Parkinsons. My 23 year old brother also lives with them, but lost his license due to a DUI, had had other legal problems and is mooching off my parents without helping mom with dad. I felt like I couldn't make anyone happy and I was very unhappy. My brother needs to take a class to clear up his DUI and get his license back, which would greatly help with mom and dad. She's given him the money (about $600) three time and three times he's spent if partying. I never imagined living with my parents would be like this. He is a bad example for my kids and due to the legal issues he's had, he has a probation office that has to come and check on him. We moved out of town to avoid that kind of environment and I feel like it's in my back yard. I've spoken to my mother about him moving out. I love my parents and my kids love having them so close but she refuses to have him move. He doesn't work, has no education and no work experience. Mom says he helps her with dad but she's always complaining how hard it is for her to care for dad and he's always out with friends..with her giving him spending money. When I ask her why he doesn't help, she backtracks and says, Oh yeah...he helps but it's still hard. One incident I cannot forget is when my kids were with her during summer vacation. His probation officer came for the monthly visit and our small dog started barking. The kids opened the door and the dog ran out. The police maced him. My kids later told my crying the were scared because they thought the police were going to shoot our dog. I felt horrible and told my mother about it. She felt bad but didn't think it was a big deal. She doesn't understand why I have a problem with my brother. My husband is getting fed up and I'm afraid this situation will lead to my divorce. Not because we don't love eachother, but because I can't control what my mother does. They sold their home and had over $90,000 four years ago, but because of my brother's legal issues they have less than $20,000 left. My dad is to the point that my mom can no longer care for him and we don't want to place him in a home. We can't count on my brother living with them...mom doesn't want to stress him out or bother him. I am the only daughter, the oldest and have 3 other brothers. They help with doctor's appointments and shopping with mom, but they also have families and full time jobs. I would like to have my parents continue living with me but not my brother. I've suggested mom move into town to help him have access to public transportation so he can get a job. By the way, it's my fault he can't get a job cause we moved to the country and there is no public transportation. My other brothers have asked her to move into town because it's easier for them since they are the ones taking them to doctor's appointments. She refuses to move and refuses to kick my brother out. I went thru a deep depression for over 2 years that was very hard to overcome and I feel like I'm falling again. I was not in a good place and don't want to be there again. I don't know what to do...............HELP!

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Marmo92, stay strong and I wish you the best.
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Thank you all. I know what I need to do but I couldn't nring myself to say it outloud. MY family does and should come first. Thanks again. I'll post on the progress.
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marmo, I would say from what you wrote that you know what you need to do for yourself. It can be so hard, because who wants to be the bad guy? Sometimes we have to be, though. One other problem I see coming up is who is going to take financial responsibility for your mother after their $20K runs out? If your father needs to be placed, the care facility will probably take half of it -- not sure how that works. Have they purchased a funeral package for your father? That may be a good way to spend some of their money if they haven't bought one yet.

I can understand your feeling depressed. You have much on your shoulders. I guess the first step is to get your brother out. Please let us know how it goes.
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mamo, you let your parents destroy your free shot at college? Why are you afraid of your parents when it sounds like you were your siblings substitute parents. At 38 and can't stand up for yourself? You definitely need therapy. Your mother has no business telling you things that parents should not tell their children. They have such poor boundaries. Your mother is using emotional blackmail on you and sad to say it is working. She wants you to stay her little girl instead of being her adult child. You need, your marriage needs, and your children need for you to be your parents' adult child. Through off the FOG, the fear, obligation and guilt. Turn that anger outward and fight for your own health, your marriage and your children! Easier said than done, but it can be done.
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If I were in your husband's shoes, I'd be thinking about filing for divorce, keeping the kids, and have you move with your lazy brother. Sounds cold, doesn't it? But it could happen.

The bottom line is that you can't serve two masters and you can't save people from themselves. Your own family comes first, so sit down with your husband and try to figure something out.
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Okay... your mother and I are about the same age. She is not elderly. We are simply seniors. Fibromyalgia can be debilitating, but most people are still able to function fairly well. I agree with the advice that the other people have given. Your husband and children come first. It sounds to me that people have dumped the responsibility of living their lives into your lap. It will actually help them if you return the responsibility to them. Your brother needs to live in town, with things being like they are. Your mother is still young and may live 30-40 more years. I hope you can work things out so that everyone is where they need to be.

I have a good friend with one of the worst cases of fibromyalgia I know about. She is 67 and recently cut back to working part-time, instead of full-time. She has a good life and a lot of friends. She has a lot of pain, but she is still determined to live. It is what I wish for your mother.
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Do I understand this...you own the property and two homes; parents and brother are in one home? Give them 30 days and tell them they are moving to town. No reason needed it is your life and your property. You cannot sacrifice either.

Your other brothers will be able to help more, lazy one can look for job and you will be able to put your own family first...as it should have been since day one.

It is very wrong of us to put elder care ahead of our own health, marriage and children. It is a no win situation for everyone. Your children deserve your time and your husband deserves a fulltime wife.
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Thank you all for your advice. I have spoken to my mom about her moving out and she has agreed twice. Once its time to start looking for a place, she changes her mind. I cant stand up to her and I'm 38 yrs old. She's aware of the problems this situation is causing in my marriage but doesnt seem to care. They do have income so they can afford to pay rent. Mom believes its a childs duty to care for the parents once the are elderly. Mom's 62 and dad is 65. They dont like to socialize and depend on us completely for everything. I'm constantly told I'm her only friend and tells me things i dont want to know about my parents. A very sick, dependent relationship. I raised my brothers while my parents worked. I looked forwadd to college to be more independent. Got a full scholarship but wasnt allowed to go away to college. Got married against their will and have been happily married until now.
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I am sorry that you have been deeply depressed and it does sound like you are going that way again. Depression is often anger turned inward. I'm not in your situation, but I feel angry just reading about your enabling mother and your lazy brother. I suggest get in touch with that anger and turn it outside in some constructive ways in dealing with this mess. While an anti-depressent med probably would help, I think seeing a therapist would help you really work through this maze.

I don't know why your husband is angry that you can't control your mother because I don't see that as being possible for she is an adult although her decisions to enable your brother are not helping anyone. Basically you can't control your mom, your brother nor that your dad really needs to go to a nursing home. Somehow, you and your husband as a team need to find some ways to address this without throwing your marriage or children under the bus. My suggestion is evict your brother. Tell your mom this is just not working out and to move back to town where your brothers are more available to help her. Then as tough as it is, take a realistic look at putting your dad where he can get the help he needs.
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You own the property. Go to court and have your brother evicted. Get a restraining order against your worthless brother for financial elder abuse. Your responsibility towards your children's welfare is your number one priority. Your mother can move into town if she does not like you getting rid of that troublemaking freeloader.
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