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My mother passed away 2.5 years ago at 52. Her death basically left me as the soul caregiver for my elderly grandparents (taking them to dr. visits, visiting a couple times a week, helping around the house). My grandmother is 84 and in reasonably good health. She still drives and can get around. My grandfather (87) however has had a series of strokes over the years, with the last one being about 5 years ago. The last stroke left him with very limited movement on his right side. Up until recently, he had still been able to get up and walk (either on his own, with a cane, or with a walker). For the past week, other than one time, he has been unable to get up from his chair (other than just standing for short periods of time). My grandmother cares for him most of the time. He's incontinent and is in adult diapers which my grandmother struggles to change (she only weighs about 90 lbs). I've been over to their house for several hours a day since Friday to help her get him up from his chair. There is no way she can lift him on her own, despite him having a powerlift chair. I'm at a loss. He doesn't want to go into a nursing home, but he needs more care than my grandmother and I can provide. Other than SS and his pension from the army, they don't have any income. They have medicare and he has an HMO, but I have no idea what services are covered. I'm starting to feel very resentful (and I hate it) of the amount of time he expects of me. He will ask me almost daily to stop by on my way home from work. Over the weekend, I had to leave a movie early because "he needed me to come help him get up" and then after spending 3 hours there that night, he called me first thing the next morning to come back. I want to set a good example for my boys, that you care for the people who have cared for you, when they are in need, but I don't know how long I can keep this up. I just ordered him some condom catheters and am hoping they will help make him more comfortable (the diapers leak and he ends up wetting himself) but I am struggling with what to do about bowel movements. Even if I can get him into his wheelchair and to the bathroom, he can't walk the 5 ft to the toilet. I'm looking at portable wheeled commodes now that could be put in the living room near him. I would still have to be there to get him on and off, but it's a start. I welcome any and all advice. I'm so glad to have found someplace to ask questions and vent!

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Please look into AID AND ATTENDANCE (a little known Veterans' Admin benefit) for more help in the home.

veteransaid.org has information on who qualifies, and how to go about applying. Do it with a lawyer or without, but do apply!

God bless
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Austin is correct. Get an attorney that SPECIALIZES in elder law. I did this a few weeks ago, because I care for both of my parents. I was stunned at all the information that was given to me by my attorney. If you let the attorney know about all of your concerns and needs, if he know his stuff he will be able to point you in the right direction and assist with the endless paperwork. Best decision I ever made since caring for my Mom and Dad. My parents will be starting at an Elder Day Care on December 1st and this has all come about as a result of speaking with an Elder Attorney. My Mom and Dad will go there everyday Monday thru Friday by bus from 9:30 am to 2:30 pm. While they are there they will be bathed, fed, have their clothes washed, have physical therapy, see their docotor and be able to address any medical issues immediatly. I think this will be awsome for all of us. It will be giving them a chance to be out and around people with the same life experiences. They will have new things to talk about at night and I know that they will be receiving the necessary care they need right away. I cannot say enough good things about my experience with the elder attorney. I guarantee you that if you find an attorney that specializes in elder law you will be amazed, but make sure they know their stuff, because as I have said this is a specialized law. Good Luck and keep coming back this site is full of awesome advice and just a place to vent.
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My dear you have come to the right place-I think this is too much for you-you will not be able to keep up this pace I am sure your grandmother does or maybe does realize how hard this is on you. Call the office of the aging in your county and explain this to them -they may be able to provide low cost aides-but you need to takr grandma to an elder lawyer make the appointment right away-he or she will know what is involved on getting on medicaide and keep comming back here the support you will get is priceless -my husband has passed on but this site kept me sane when I came here the winter of 08 and now I am able to give support to others and help my sister out with my Mom at times so I am still involved and check the experts bio's at the end you can ask them questions and Carol is great she has had more caregiving experience than the rest of us,
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