How can I get my uncles to help my dad care for my grandmother?

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About six months ago my grandmothers health began to get worse. She was living with my uncle and when she got sick instead of keeping her in the hospital he put her in a home. She was miserable there and called my father to come and get her. My dad lives in Southern California. He is disabled and is not in the best health himself. But that's his mother so I went with him to Northern California to get my grandma. This was only after my grandma and my dad both spoke to his brother and he agreed it would be a good idea. Now let me say that my grandma did not need to be in a home. Since she has been living with my parents she has gotten the medical attention she needs and her health has improved greatly. She has since moved to an independent senior living apartment and is doing well but she misses northern california and would like to return. My dad called my uncle and told him that their mom wanted to go back up there and asked if he could look into some senior living apartments. My uncle said yes that he would get back to him within a week and it has been almost two months now. My uncle won't speak to my dad and doesn't return his phone calls. He has for some reason started to tell the rest of the family lies about my dad saying he didn't want to take care of my grandma and that he is done with her. My dad and mom have done everything for my grandma while caring for four daughters two of them under the age of ten. They drive her to doctors appts, go and have dinner with her everyday, help her out financially and it really hurts my dad and stresses him out to hear what his brother is saying. All this stress is not good for my disabled dad's health and he is one of five sons and all his other brothers say they don't want to get involved in family drama or anything. THis is their mother and they don't care they don't call her and when my dad calls them they say they are busy or they don't want to get involved or say they will call him back and never do. He even sent out an email to everyone explaining what has gone on since my grandma moved down here and that she wants to move back to her home up there and it breaks my heart to know my dad checks his email everyday hoping to hear from his brothers and never does. How can I make things easier on my dad and make his four other healthy brothers see that they need to help out with my grandma?

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The only way I can see you being able to help is that if you can go to the area where your grandmother wants to live and check out residences. You can go to the eldercare locator at www.eldercare.gov to get an idea of what they have to offer. The centers are not rated. But perhaps you can do a lot long-distance, if the places you choose to investigate can send you some recommendations from people who have used their services. Still, it's best if someone can check personally.

Family issues are so complicated. The others are operating out of guilt and fear. Your dad took on the care of their mother, and now she wants to make a decision she has every right to make. But no one will help. I know that guilt and fear makes people tell lies. I've seen that. It's awful.

Keep checking in. We want to know how you are doing.
Carol
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To ABERLAN
I'm new to this site but have been reading others commets for a long time and the support others will give you means so much, and I think if you are able to do the things minding our elders sugest might help. You are not alone, and I do hope someone who has gone through a simialier situation will respond, my heart goes out to you and your parents- please keep in touch if only to express your feelings.
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I have the same issues that your father does, except my mother is not able to live alone. Could your grandmother call her other sons herself and explain that she would like to move back? Perhaps if she called they would do something. Good luck to you and your family.
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some folks are so rude. i wonder why she wants to go there with this very unhelpful [uninterested] son. could you find out? is it a friend, a doctor or this son? you may be able to persuade her in staying in your area and help her find a more perminent living, friendship and activities housing area so that you all will know she is safe and happy. your dad should not have to be with her everyday once she becomes setteled and happy. otherwise, if she insists on returning up north, maybe you could get a card and address and help her write to this guy. good luck. you sound like a wonderful grandaughter. [maybe she could write to all of your uncles to let them know what she's feeling.]
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I want to thank everyone so much that have offered their support. I have been doing alot of work for my grandma and have found her a beautiful place to live up north and found her some VA benefits that will help her with her financial needs. There still isnt any help from the rest of the family but I have been able to relieve alot of the stress my dad has been under. It amazes me the support I got here on this website and that I can't get even a precent of that support from my family. Unfortunantly I have tried to talk to my grandma about staying down here so we could be closer to her and help her out more but Grass Valley is her home and she wants to go back and that's her choice so all I can do is support that and help her get the best care and make the transistion easier for her when she makes her move. You have all been wonderful and without your support I would have never had the strength to step up and get things done because to be honest I was getting kind of discouraged before I fould this community. Thank You all so much!!!
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I am 31, I have a 12 year old daughter and a boyfriend. My 86 year old grandmother lives with us in my two bedroom house with one bathroom. My daughter and my grandmother have their own rooms. My boyfriend and I have our bed in the living room. Recently I have been having some health problems due to stress. I work 40 hours a week and I attend college for 10 hours a week. I am extremly busy being a mother, girlfriend, employee, student and care giver. My grandmother does not require really anything at all, she is very low maintenance and a big sweet heart! I recently sent out an e-mail to my family listing everything that we endure on a daily basis with grandma living with us. Her eyesight is not as good as it used to be so bread crumbs get left behind on the counter and the kitchen floor.....along with other little things that need to be cleaned up when I get home. I had discussed with my grandmother what I had planned to put in an e-mail to my family and she agreed with me. I said that someone would come pick her up on Friday afternoon and then bring her back on Sunday. This would benifit in many ways. Grandma would get the much needed time with family that never comes to see her and it would give me the time that I needed for a break..a couple of days of not having to clean up messes.... : ( I do not want my grandmother to move but with a break every weekend I myself would be able to mentally and physically get myself back together. It will be a week tomorrow since I sent out the e-mail and I have yet to hear from my mother which has just made my anxiety/panic attacks even worse! One of my uncles said that we would figure something out and understood that I needed a break. My other uncle came and got her on Sunday and took her shopping for a couple of hours. I have an aunt that lives out of state that I copied the e-mail too as well out of respect that I was discussing her Mother and her care and I have not heard anything from her. I feel complete anger for my mother since she has chosen to ignore me and the fact that I could end up in the hospital from a nervous break down. I am at a loss as to what to do. I love my grandmother dearly!!!! But I am losing control emotionally and physically. How can I call and yell at my mother for being so selfish and inconsiderate of her own mother and daughter? I did not feel that I was asking that much of her....two full days a month from her personal time to spend with her mother who could be gone from us tomorrow. I just feel completely disrespected, used, and isolated by my mother who used to be more than just a mother, she was my best friend. I have neither now.
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