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How do I ever come to grips with having to put mom in a nursing home. Someone please tell me.

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The conditions under which a decision can be made as to whether or not to put a beloved parent in a Nursing Home are these in my humble opinion.

Patients' age and condition: How old and how grave.
When the pull on you gets to be distressing, when your own life is at risk or endangered.....Some would not even wait this long.
When you can no longer lift her, change her frequently, bathe her, feed her appropriately, or walk her.
The time has come. All of us must realize this. It very well may happen to us someday. I, myself, would not want to burden an adult child with my care.
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It is obvious that you have cared for your Mom for as long as you can and keep her safe. Sometimes our parents require more care than we can possibly provide for them. Nursing homes today are so much better then they were even 10 years ago. There are still bad ones but you will be able to pick them out rather quickly.
Good Luck and God Bless you both.
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Ahh...this is a favorite topic of mine.
I have been in your shoes, twice. When my dad had his stroke over 20 years ago, we needed nursing home care, because his physical needs were pretty intense. At that time, I did not know how to find a good nursing home.
I learned a lot from this journey, and when I returned to the workforce, as a social worker, I chose the nursing home setting.
Years later, my mom developed dementia, and I had her in the adult day program at the place where I worked. She lived in an apartment building independently, but with my supervision. One day, she decided to go to the place on her own, and was using her walker in the street, as there were no sidewalks. Placement, followed immediately.
I can tell you that my feelings were different with each placement. Number one, I knew that the quality of care where I worked was sooo different from where I had my dad. With that being said, I still visit frequently. Although I no longer work there, I do visit frequently.
I can tell you what I think helps to make a good nursing home.
Number one, do they use their own staff-vs temporary help. This is of great importance since they become faces that your parent will recognize. That staff person can also know some of your parent's behaviors....very important.
Also, are there "stale" or "covered up" odors....that can mean that they are not toileting their residents quickly enough!
I forgot to mention something else....go to www.medicare.gov. This is a website that will give you the results of any nursing home survey in the country. The one deficiency rating that gives me a red flag, is decubidus, bed sores, skin breakdown. If you are considering a facility with such a ding, ask about it......
OK..nuff said...hope that helps
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You mention that you have to put your mother in a nursing home. Is she coherent? What is her condition? Would an assisted living facility be sufficient? If she is coherent and is fighting you on this, I suggest taking her to visit the facilities. I found that many people of the older generation THINK of nursing homes as old, dingy places, and thus don't want to be there. Remember these facilities have come a long way to what she may be visualizing. When she visits either an ALF (If you arrange for a tour many will invite you and her to join them for lunch) or nursing home she may be pleasantly surprised to see how nice they are and like to be surrounded by others that also have health problems (hey they all love to exchange notes on their ailments) - and to see the various activities they offer. When I took my mom for a tour of an assisted living, she was amazed and told all her friends how lovely it was. She then actually wanted to go to an assisted living facility (made the decision very easy-since I'm an only child) She just loved all the attention they gave her and she was so happy that finally in her life she would be catered to. I found a small (50 resident) ALF that was more personal than the other larger ones and they were able to really cater to her daily needs which she loved - it was between an ALF and nursing home. Check a lot of them out and yes, as stated in other posts, great idea to bring a friend. Also, go online and google "what do I look for in a nursing home/assisted living facility" and you will find many questionnaries to bring to the facility and help you with questions to ask and things to look for. Print out a copy for each facility you visit, write the name of the facility on the top and then as you go on your tour, write down notes. After going to 2 or 3 you will get mixed up as to which one stated what during your visit. This way you can go back to your notes. When you find something you think would be nice, bring her on the next tour, hopefully she will be thrilled with the conditions and this may be an easy transition. So depending on her condition, don't stess yourself out yet - let her visit them first and then if she still puts up a fight, I would take the advise of everyone else on this post. You need to take care of yourself and not feel guilty - because by her going into a nursing home YOU ARE taking care of her! And like others in this post have stated, now they can really enjoy their visits with their parents now that the stress of caregiver has been taken off them. Good luck!
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It is very difficult. I took care of my mother for over a year stopping at the house everyday. She wouldn't bathe, ate the wrong foods and started missing her pills and insulin. She also has Alzheimer's and my dad wasn't any help at 86.
I struggled with the decision for a long time, but decided it was best for her situation. She needed to be watched 24 hours a day.
I cried all the way to the facility taking her, and cried all the way home. But after dealing with professionals, they have made me understand that most of the time, the caregiver has more difficulty with all of it than the parent.
At this moment, my mother is now in the hospital...I now wonder if I would have seen what was going on like the people at the facility did.
I feel your pain...like someone else said, take it in baby steps.
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My mom decided it was time to go to a personal care home after we cared for her for five years. She could see the toll it was taking on me. We found one we liked and visited every day. She knew we loved her and would not forsake her. After five years there, she had to go to a nursing home because she could no longer walk. We also went every day to visit. It was the hardest thing for me to do to let her leave us. Visiting every day will make the difference in your lives. I hope you can find a facility close enough to do this.
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Lots of good suggestions have been given. My husband and I take care of my dad who will be 98 next week. We are in our mid 70's and neither of us could do it alone. It has been 3 years and we are getting tired. ABC news had a special week on caregiver problems and it was mentioned that caregivers can lose 10 years of their own lives with the caring. Made us start to think more about alternatives for us. This is our old age also!!

We are checking into foster care homes in our area. There are some really good ones and they only have 2-4 residents and they do all stages of care. They are checked out by the state, etc. My dad has no dementia, but needs help with all aspects of care, always kind and grateful which makes this move very hard. Foster care homes are also cheaper than nursing homes. We found our list of homes by calling the Dept of Housing and Services.

Hope this may help you also. coolbuss
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If your mother needed something that would save her life, what would you do? You would find it for her. Same thing with putting her into a nursing home; it is what SHE NEEDS, not what YOU WANT. It is taking care of her and her needs, so you shouldn't feel guilty. It's like a diabetic child asking--pleading--for candy. You deny it because it is what is best for the child, so you don't feel guilty about it.
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There are two consolations since putting my dad in assisted living for dementia care. One, we always know he is safe. But the second is a nicer dividend. He is on a better combination of meds now than he would have agreed to at home and therefore, he is happier. (Zoloft helped with that.) We visit him a lot and now we're able to do fun things together and totally concentrate on him. We take him out of the facility a lot. Or we bring fun things to do in the facility. We no longer have to worry about doing basic life stuff with him--stuff that used to make us all anxious and exhausted. I enjoy his company now so much. It wasn't easy for him to adjust, and I wouldn't say he's fully adjusted now, but it's the best of a bad situation.
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Great guidance from Bobbie. The only thing I would add is that when I went alone to various assisted livings facilities and nursing homes, I missed some things. I narrowed down the field and took a friend with me. Two sets of eyes and ears are better than one, especially an emotional one. She saw things that I missed and I reconsidered my ratings of the facilities based on what she was able to point out to me about the sites.

I'm still wrestling with the decision and know it is coming soon. Hard thing to do but Bobbie is so right on target. Thank you Bobbie.

Good luck to you

Nina
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When my mom was in a rehab center twice, for about a month each time, she did so much better than when she was home. The social interaction, and the activities did more good than I can say.

If there truly is no other way, give it a chance. You could be pleasantly surprised.
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Hi there beatup.

Here's how you come to grips with putting your mother in a nursing home.
You realize that it is her or you. Either she is going to kill you with the stress of caregiving or your survival instinct is going to kick in and you are going to save your own life.

There are many fine facilities and great professional caregivers and more and more are coming into the market every day. It is so hard for a child to become the nurse and the parent to become the patient. We are not wired for this and if we were, we would have entered the nursing field a long time ago.

It's a process and you begin by checking out the ads on this site. Click through and start the process before it kills you.
I used A Place for Mom and they were great.

OK, baby steps. go to some of the websites and check them out. Fill out the little online forms and they will email you with choices near you. Visit them alone and pick one that you would like and that has a small ration of caregivers to patients. They will help you start the process and help with ins and whatever the state and fed govt can offer.
They are good and you start this before you are too beatup to get it started.
Screw Guilt. We all know that you love your mom more than anything or you wouldn't have been such a great daughter to care for her in the first place.
Now it is time for you to pass the job onto the professionals and save your own life.

you keep coming back to the site and reaching out and we will be here. if you want some crazy fun, go on over to the Grossed Out site and there you will find a big group of caregivers who post just about every day and we use humor to get though the day.
I'm sure that at this point nothing looks anywhere near funny, but give us a try. When you click on the link for the thread, go to 'last' because there's over 14K posts.
Read along, or just jump in. We love new crewmembers and you can get a lot of support from many voices....
ok, hope to see you over there and you can do this. We'll help you just like the caregivers on the Grossed Out thread helped me.....
lovbob
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You may need to see a therapist to help.
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