How can I be the "perfect" caregiver for my mother?

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So many things Jacqueline Marcell says are so accurate and she says to put on the emotional shield to deflect the behaviours. I agree except that I already know that if I get upset with mom after repeating myself for the 16th time on every single solitary issue that comes up during the day, mother will get upset and we'll have a downward spiral that goes on for days. So, I pay the price for showing ANY frustration or lack of patience at all. It's really hard to not let anything get to you - bitterness, resentfulness - I actually think I do pretty well most of the time but eventually, I just am worn out repeating the same things over and over and over and over and over and now, putting on the emotional shield just means I am to be perfect ALL THE TIME and never, ever let any of this get to me. I'm really scared and alone. I can't just walk away for a few minutes b/c mom can't be left alone. I can easily see myself having a stroke and where will that leave her?! I just needed to vent this morning, I guess. Sorry

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We are all imperfect and will always be so. We do our best with what we have. We strive for more information. We share our stories and gain strength from others. We forgive ourselves our imperfections, because if we don't everyone will suffer.

Keep coming back and sharing your story, knowing we all have bad days, we all are imperfect and that's just being human.

No need to apologize. That's what this community is for: to share trials, tribulations and vent without fear of being judged or reprisal. Have you thought about counseling? Sometimes, talking to an objective third party does wonders for the soul and peace of mind.


try respite care. We all need time alone and away. Without it I would surely not do wellat all. Not that I am great even with it. We are not perfect and it's okay. We just do our best. Sometimes I am pretty patient and other times I feel like if she says another word I will lose it.

Cak, you are the bigger person for not engaging in negativity with your mom. You didn't say why you have to repeat yourself is it a hearing problem? What is her illness? How old is she? My Dad is 94 and he can't hear well at all he doesnb't like the hearing aid I have to repeat alot too it is frustrating. Let us all know more about your situation. Decor
I found that when I worked in a hospital and a pt. would ask me a question over and over and over like what day is this something that worked at times ask the pt. the question to him or her like what day is it and at times they would give the right answer.
I understand that emotional shield thing. I just have to turn off "my" feelings when I need to deal with my grandmother. I had some workers at her assisted living ask me one day - why are you so bubbly all the time, you are always so happy!! Oh boy - I told them that it is hard, but regardless of what else is going on in my life, when I hit that door I shut it off and need to be upbeat for my grandmother. Unfortunately, those at home don't get the same benefit sometimes.

Granny is going through a "denial" stage right now - she was diagnosed with cancer and had a partial mastectomy in July. She has refused treatment and wouldn't even say the C word until last week. Now she is back to I am just not thinking about it - it doesn't exist. I don't understand why this is so difficult for me, but I am just setting up that barrier that you talk about. I have to be up when I see her and just continue like normal. I pray A LOT!!! She has been angry with me and short with me for the last few weeks - and yes, you are right - it gets so difficult to repeat and repeat and repeat! Sometimes we argue over the dumbest things - she just knows I am wrong about a date or whatever.

Hang in there - and I hope you get some time away to regroup - I always need that when my kids are on my nerves and when Granny is on my nerves!!!
Give up trying to be perfect Cak ok not perfect is good enough with what you are going through and come to this site often and you will see we are all in the same boat-and many times it feels like it is sinking-forget perfect.
cak-I have not seen you at this site and hope you are ok.
i had to laugh at this , how can anyone be perfect, even when we think we are someone will come along and tell you not. Perfection can only come from one, and that surely is not me.
I laugh with you, msTish! You have the right idea! lol There is only God who is perfect. We just get to be his servants. From God and from these posts, we learn how to do a good job at caregiving. Love conquers many things!

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