How do you respond to people who tell you that you must honor your mother and not place her in assisted living indefinitely?
My mother has always been hypercritical of me, and we have never really had a good relationship. It's exceptionally difficult to take of someone who is verbally abusive, but expects me to drop everything to meet her needs. Who likes hearing how fat you are, your arms are too big, you are too loud, comparing me to peers, especially those who are "successful?" I am an only child. I am working on a becoming a Licensed Professional Counselor, was accepted into two doctor of counseling programs, and trying to find steady full time employment in the counseling field. She always reminds me that I don't have a job, and refuses to understand the process of becoming an LPC. I have explained this to her many times. She has been helping me financially, and I am appreciative of it. My mother is a diabetic, stage IV kidney disease, arthritis, and other medical issues. In mid April, something happened where she couldn't get herself out of bed, so she would call me and I would come and place her in the chair, feed her, and make sure she had water to drink. I told her that I couldn't do this anymore, and she would have to get some help. She finally contacted a wonderful caregiver, and he has been a wonderful caregiver. This was the break I needed. I was still going to house to check on her. I decided to begin staying overnight to assist her, and we had a conversation about what her options were as far as long term care. I knew that she wanted to stay at home, but I didn't think it was a viable option. I told her she could stay at home with help coming to her house, or she could move in with me, or go to assisted living. She told me that she wanted to stay at home. She missed a couple of her doctor's appointments, and she told the caregiver that she could walk and prepare herself for the appointments, and he believed her. After tax day, I went home, and she had called 911 because of her rapid heartbeat, and she wasn't doing well at all. She was supposed to go to the doctor on that particular day. The caregiver and I waited for the ambulance, attempted to clean her (she really soiled her clothes and power lift chair), and the family room, but she told me not to clean her, and kept pushing my hands away. The ambulance came, and the paramedics didn't know how to properly put her on the gerny, and the caregiver had to tell them the best way to place her on the gerny. While they were loading her, her leg got a huge scratch, and there were sores on her legs. They asked us how did she get those, and we explained that we hadn't seen those before now. After cleaning the family room, I went to the ER, and the wound care team grilled me about her wounds, and scratches on her body, which they didn't let me see. I understand about them doing their job, but they were exceptionally rude and unprofessional, never asked me about any of her medications (two of which were injections, one was a blood thinner), wound care history, or anything. Then, Adult Protective Services called me and asked if I would call them back. First, I went to the offices, but the woman handling my case would be out for a few days. I was petrified, but God is still good. I eventually overcame my fear to talk to this woman, and my caregiver knew her; they grew up together in the same town. They knew the neighbor because she taught school in their community, and this neighbor calls my mom two to three times a day anyway. He explained the situation to her, and the case was closed. My mom spent over a week in ICU, and then the hospital transferred her to a rehab where she spent two months in a hospital bed. She asked me to take over her house, and I am living in this home; it is mine. I am paying the bills, and keep her abreast of her financial and business matters. I have yet to move my things out of my house, and clean it, but I've already started cleaning it last week. I am really trying to rest. Now, she is in a wonderful skilled nursing facility, and we both like it. She gets wound care and rehab. Everyone at the facility thinks she is "so sweet", but I know better. People think I am the problem, and have vilified me in our small community. I feel guilty because I would love for her to stay there. Now, I really like being at home, and arranging things the way that I prefer (as long as she has her bedroom), and she can write her name, but her cursive is illegible. I am so lonely, and I am afraid to answer my phone because I know it's her calling me, or someone else calling about her or my aunt in the Alzheimer's Care Unit. I believe in the bible, and I know it says to honor your parents so your days will be long. I have one friend who criticized me because she thought I wasn't physically present enough in April, and I told her I wanted to stay in the skilled nursing facility. She thought that was an abomination. I never want to be placed in the previous situation, and we don;t get along. I need support. PLEASE HELP ME!