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My mother needs an alcohol treatment facility that:
Features treatment options for abuse/dependence among older adults
• Age-specific, supportive, that aims to build the client’s self-esteem
• A focus on coping with depression, loneliness, and loss
• A focus on rebuilding the person’s social support network
• An appropriate pace and content of treatment
• Staff members who are interested and experienced in working with older adults

Any suggestions? advice? help?

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Hi Sandy,
Depending on her level of cognition you may want to look into a Assisted or Independant Living Facility. This greatly helps with social interaction and takes some of the burden of daily tasks like laundry, cooking, cleaning etc. off of her plate. If she is experiencing severe memory loss, you should look at a memory care unit as they are better suited to deal with her specific issues. And if you want to keep her at home you can either bring in a private duty nursing aide to be with her for purposes of safety and or companionship. Lastly, they also have adult day care facilities in some cities, that is another option. Unfortunatly, this is not the type of ailment that can be cured. Your goal should be neutralizing the side effects as best you can. You've taken the first step you are a loving daughter.
Good luck,
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My mother attended a 3 week program that our hospital helped to set up 3 years ago this week. She had developed normal pressure hydrocephalus however and was unable to follow through. So, unfortunately, her alcoholism is advancing as well as her normal pressure hydrocephalus, as it's a disease, just like diabetes.
The most important thing I learned this past week is self care. Then you can care for her, by keeping alcohol out of her life, and getting her into the adult day care, or assisted living as mentioned by Sandy B. Much of alcoholism in the aged is depression, isolation, and real pain from arthritis, or emotional losses. What does not work is shaming, blaming. What does work is compassion. Finding the root cause of why she drinks. Mom has anxiety over my father's reaction to her, and has now developed a nervous tick of doing a figure 8 on her right knee. When asked she says it's anxiety, and pain. The Dr.'s are reluctant to give her pain medication for her degenerative back. They give palliative care to Cancer patients, and at this advanced stage, I don't understand why the Dr.'s think dependance on a pain medication would be worse than dependence on 5 oz. + of straight vodka per day.
So, get thyself to an al-anon meeting. Write down what you have control over, and what you do not, and use her Dr.'s social worker, or find out which alcohol treatment programs are covered by Medicare, as my mother's was. Good luck and a hug. Kitty
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Kitty I think your answer was fantastic -going to al-anon is a good idea-I was thinking about doing that because a friend was going to AA meeting but it seems she has stoped going and our frienship has been lost-the alcohol has wonout over anything else and I no longer can help her.
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Does she still do her own shopping and driving?
Does she have any dementia brought on by her alcoholism?
Does she have balance and mobility problems?

When you are calling around to the different rehabilitations I believe this information will help them know better what type of treatment you are seeking. I think it is best to support the facility in your community because that the aftercare will be simple. If it is far and involves long distances and housing to visit the after care will be greatly diminished in it's support.

What would be your goals in getter her sober?
What would be her goals in putting alcohol aside as a tool and a comfort?
These two questions will help you understand if you are both on the same page.
If you both say health, community, and restoration of relationships than it will work.

Betty Ford in Rancho Mirage, CA specializes in Women.
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Detox is not for the amatuer. I have seen people here in the past suggest take all the alcohol away and don't buy any more. I would consult with a detox center before I took that approach.
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One Gma had one drink of hard liquor each evening. It helped her relax, and was never over-done. In her case, it was therapeutic.
As she got more demented over time, she stopped using it.
Mom, OTH, would use booze whenever, and in proportion to, how emotionally pained she was. She could put away half a gallon of wine, or several drinks of hard liquor, in a day, most days, yet not reek of it, nor get stumbling drunk--just really rotten behaviors.
She did a great job of hiding it.
But it badly effected how she treated us and our home.
No chance of her going thru treatment for it--not in her 70s and 80's.
It was not working at our house--her behaviors were pervasively destructive.
But now it seems to be working for her at a sibling's house, since they do more drinking than we do; they seem to get along fine enough.
So maybe it is less a question of how much, but how well does she get along at your place, and, if not very well, do you have sibling[s] she might get along better with, still having her drinks?
IF she went to a Facility, though, she'd have to quit--it's a rare place that will keep a patient's bottle on the med cart and dole out their booze ration in the evening!
So there's another question:
If a Facility can cause an elder stop drinking in order to be there, why not stop it at home, for the sake of keeping the peace, and helping the elder's overall state of health?
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A hospice center will allow her to drink to the bitter end.
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Caring for an elderly parent addicted to alcohol is a nightmare. My mother functions well during the day. I am a single mother of 3 and I work full time in a demanding job. My mother helps with my youngest by picking her up from school each day. I also have an older teenager that helps to monitor the activity until I come home from work, around 6 p.m. My mother drinks every day. She can easily drink an entire bottle of wine in one night. She starts drinking about an hour before I get home. Once I get home, help with homework/baths/bedtime, she has finished almost an entire bottle. That's when I get the drama. She starts telling me stories about her life and how she was abused. When I do not engage in the ominous conversation, she becomes silent and then angry. I work in a mental health facility, so I am well aware of what I am dealing with at home.
My brother called this evening and asked how we were doing. I asked him if he wanted to speak to her and he laughed...and then said, "No, that's ok." I think that before I get home in the evenings, she pours her first glass of wine and makes calls to anyone that will listen. My children told me that she is telling them that she is the one paying all of the bills and taking care of us. She decided to take on a project of ripping up my entire flower bed in the front of the house and replanting while I was at work. She almost passed out from the heat when my son came home from school. He led her back in the house and told her to stop doing yardwork. She then told him that I was lazy and that I should be helping more around the house.
My inner child wants to replace her alcohol with food coloring and water. I know that if you remove alcohol from someone who is dependent, you can kill them. It is more lethal to detox from alcohol without medical care supervision than it is to detox from heroin/crack/cocaine/opiates. Alcohol is a different drug. The body will become dependent on the alcohol. If the body of an alcoholic is suddenly deprived, kidneys and other major organs will begin to shut down.
I will be spending my time off this weekend...before "wine time," explaining to my mother that it is not okay to tell my 7 yr old that my 16 yr old is the favorite....it is not okay to tell my children negative things while I work my butt off trying to take care of us...and that I will no longer be paying any more bills in this house with her in it if she feels that I am not carrying my weight in the household.
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I am sorry riamborn you need to find other arrangements for your children or your Mother. Dangerous situation you have going there.
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Yes, I agree, littletonway. My home with my children has become toxic. I just spoke with my brother about sending my mother to stay with him and his wife. I love my mother, but I do not like her. I know that she is harming herself by drinking excessively each night. I cannot quit my job to stay home and take care of her and even if I devoted more time to her, she would still drink. My siblings are telling me to just take her alcohol away, but I would never want to endanger my mother with their quick advice. I told my brother this evening that it is time for him to come and check on our mother. An intervention is needed.
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rlamborn, you are doing the right thing by getting your siblings involved. This is not your responsibility alone and you have your responsibilities first to your kids. It sounds like your Mom functions well on her own, maybe it's time for tough love and giving ultimatums (you want to live here, no drinking). It really is weird how we trade places parenting with our parents as we/they age. Have you talked to your Mom's family doctor about the best way to stop your Mom's drinking? What about once she opens the bottle of wine, diluting it with non-alcoholic wine, so little by little she is drinking less. I would talk to a counselor to see the best way to approach your Mom, she is hurting whether emotional or physical. Maybe if you record the mean hateful things she says when she is inebriated and replay the next day when she is "normal" and explain how it makes you feel & depending on the age of your kids, have them tell GMA how it makes them feel. Alot of alcoholics do not remember their conversations & think you are making them up to make them look bad. Intervention is definitely the WORD, the question is how. Once again, talk to a counselor. Check out your local senior center, they have great resources. I wish you both the best, you are an Angel & your Mom really wants to be better, but doesn't/won't acknowledge it! HUGS!!
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When you figure this one out let me know. I sent my Dad to Al -Anon to deal with my Mother's drinking, and went seperately myself. It helped us cope as until people "hit bottom" they don't get it. A DUI, falling, hospitalizations, are all examples of getting to the realization that they need treatment. You didn't cause it and you can't cure it. Your major responsibility is your children. Your mother has a disease just like a diabetic needs to care for themselves, your mother is drowning her sorrows at the expense of being a poor role model to your children. Time for tough love, for your children's sake and your sanity. Go to Al-Anon, get a sitter for your children, or arrange for them to go to a friend's home while you go. Then you'll see you're not alone. May God grant you the Serenity to change the things you can, Accept the things you cannot, and the wisdom to know the difference. You cannot reason with an alcoholic, so don't try, just tell them your limits/boundaries, and give an ultimatum of treatment for alcoholism, with an intervention, or time to move out as you won't let it take your children's mental health/self esteem down. That's your main responsibility so that they do not pattern themselves in their coping mechanisms with what Grandma has become accustomed to in her illness called alcoholism.
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Sorry, I didn't read your question well enough the first time. You get it, so call your local hospital social worker, tell them you need referrals with your specifications, and they will help you. Medicare does pay for some facilities, but they usually do not have all of the requirements that you're asking for. Do get her help, as if she falls and get's brain damage, she won't be able to follow through with the program, as she won't be able to do so. I hope this helps, giving you a hug.
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I agree, just taking her alcohol away won't help and could cause fatal health consequences. it almost killed my grandfather. After he came out of his coma he lived the last 16 years sober. :-) An alcoholic that wants to drink will find a way...vanilla extract...listerine...nyquil...
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my mother is 77 yrs old and drinks 1/2 gallon of liquor a day and takes prescription drugs. She has been in and out of rehabilitation center's and hospital's for at least 5 yrs. She can't take care of herself but refuses to stay with any of her children, she falls around and sometimes can't get up and has to call someone to break into her house to help her. We (her children) feel so helpless and would welcome any advice.
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My mother has been drinking for years and it was only just over a year ago we found out the extreme extent of her drinking. She's been through detox and rehab twice but she is now back to passing out, falling and not able to take care of herself. She is so ill and needs to see a doctor but will not go because she is afraid to go back to rehab. She just wants to sit and drink. Three family members (including myself) have been doing all we can to help her and be supportive but I feel as if I'm waiting for her to drink herself to death. I have to take care of paying her bills since she cannot. I hate giving her money because it goes to alcohol but as everyone said, it could be deadly if she stops without proper detox. Our family has also discussed her ability to drive. She gets extremely angry at us when we take away the keys but we can't give her the keys and have her risk killing herself or someone else! So do we keep the keys and buy her alcohol for her due to her dependence on it? How can we get her to rehab?
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Riamborn I hope by now you made other arrangements for your children. Kats you have to take her keys away and call social service they need to get involved and why are you giving her money-you know what she is using it for.
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Once someone decides it is time to die. Sometimes the most merciful thing to do is to allow it to happen.
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800-315-2056 is a number in Caldwell Idaho for rehabilitation for alcoholism. Call this number to get more information. Hugs to you!!!
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I have been looking after my 88 year old neighbor for the past 8or 9 yrs.. We get along very well, enjoy many of the same activities.She is like an older sister to me and I love her. She has made it clear that she will not give up drinking. She does not drive, so I take her shopping, doctors, hairdresser and try to find things to do that we would both enjoy. She's witty, fun and a youthful 88 but when she drinks to much she gets lost and goes for walks and locks her house and forgets her keys. The neighbors know I look after her and usually come get me. But I am worried she will wander off one day and come to some harm. She does not want someone living with her and does not want to go into a facility. We have many in the immediate area.
I have full power of attorney but she is not incompetent and I want her to be happy.
She has been drinking since she was about 17, she is originally from Vienna.
Her drinking has become a problem and I am at my wits end trying to come up with a solution we can both live with. I live directly behind her and call several times a day or we visit back and forth. We live in a community with over 18000 people and I have discovered this is not an uncommon problem for elderly women.
She has a ninety-one year old sister who lives 20 miles away but has health issues of her own. We are fairly close and she appreciates the fact that I look after her sister. Want to know if I should try to get her into a full service home where she can have her own apartment and where there are many activities and social opportunities.
When she drinks heavy she wanders around the neighborhood and have had other neighbors come to me because she is confuse, lock herself out or crying.
I have discussed her problem with her when she is lucid, stating that when she cuts back on drinking, she is less confused, articulates much better and is not so forgetful. The neighbors have suggested going to social services but I worry that she may get caught up in the system and some unpleasant situations can happen.
Would appreciate any help on how to handle this situation. I have committed to look after her and cannot abandon her now. I am 76 and also have some health issues, I have hypertension and when she drinks heavy my blood pressure spikes.
She is difficult when she is drinking heavy.
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think that everyone should be busy in any professional activity or any they like. Thus they have no free time to do such thing.
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Peg, as long as you have full POA for your neighbour I don't think you need be concerned that social services will railroad you or her into solutions you don't agree with. And I do think you should call in some help with this situation - it's too difficult for a lay person on her own. If I were you I'd do it before things get really out of hand. A gentle intervention now could save her getting into serious trouble later. Just give them a call asking for advice - you don't have to take it any further than that if you don't want to.
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dont get in too big of a hurry . christmas is coming up and an alcoholic is the easiest person in the world to gift shop for .
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If alcoholic refuses, I am helpless. Perhaps I should ask for assistance and info at the hospital.
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There's a wonderful online support group called Moderation Management. It might work for an elder with intact cognitive skills.
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I am going through it with my mom. I am an only child with no help. She has a friend who enables her and has undone everything I have done. It takes a lot of time to set her up with insurance and the doctors. I went to the appointments to let them know about her abuse. BTW my mom abused pain killers as well and that put her into full blown addiction! So alcohol or pills they can and will abuse.

My mom is killing herself. I do ACA but I cannot help but feel bad to set my boundaries. I love my mom I just do not like her when she is in denial. She is doing so much damage she has dementia from alcohol abuse. She is in and out of the hospital when she binges to the point of oblivion. She is choosing cigarettes and alcohol over food and she weighs 74 pounds. She has become more of a burden and completely narcissistic. I still feel sad, angry and frustrated. I would love to think she might get sober but she cannot be honest. I have gone through this my entire life and just want it stop stop. It is sooooooo hard to watch and harder to turn your cheek as I am her only daughter(child).
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I have to add that every time she is admitted to the hospital and I tell them (social workers) she has dementia and loosing her memory, alcoholic and bipolar and she is not taking care of herself and they do nothing but try and make me pick her up. Even when I tell them it is absolutely not possible and that she needs serious help. One social worker reported me to Adult Protective Services for not picking her up saying I was abandoning my mom. The best that happens is a 48 hour detox or maybe a 51/50. But the 51/50 is becoming more and more difficult because she knows what to say to them even though she is completely intoxicated and incoherent. They did a psych evaluation on her when she was so intoxicated she could not speak but still made a report! Sometimes I wonder about their decisions! I have not had any help from any of the place she has been sent to and believe me I ask. If anyone has suggestions I would greatly appreciate it.
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I am going through it with my mom. I am an only child with no help. She has a friend who enables her and has undone everything I have done. It takes a lot of time to set her up with insurance and the doctors. I went to the appointments to let them know about her abuse. BTW my mom abused pain killers as well and that put her into full blown addiction! So alcohol or pills they can and will abuse.

My mom is killing herself. I do ACA but I cannot help but feel bad to set my boundaries. I love my mom I just do not like her when she is in denial. She is doing so much damage she has dementia from alcohol abuse. She is in and out of the hospital when she binges to the point of oblivion. She is choosing cigarettes and alcohol over food and she weighs 74 pounds. She has become more of a burden and completely narcissistic. I still feel sad, angry and frustrated. I would love to think she might get sober but she cannot be honest. I have gone through this my entire life and just want it stop stop. It is sooooooo hard to watch and harder to turn your cheek as I am her only daughter(child).
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+chachacha123, What an awful situation!
Some districts have better staffing and facility than others; sounds like there are some poor decisions being made at yours.
When mom devolves into that state, it sounds more like she has chosen to try to use whatever substances she gets her hands on, to do a "socially acceptable" slow-suicide.
'Using' is "numbing-out"...she has entered into a life stage she cannot handle, mentally or emotionally, so Might be Using, to numb-out; she could also be thinking [many do this Subconsciously], that this could bring death faster, to gain release from untenable life circumstances.
It's AWFUL to witness loved ones, or anyone, doing this to themselves. They have really become like very small children....except the outcomes will always be death for the elder, whereas, for small children, the outcome is usually that they learn better and get better all the time. So, elders are only partially similar to small children, and, the circumstances of their care, are definitely NOT the same as small children [who learn to do better]. The size and scope of messes a small child makes are nothing, compared with those caused by a dysfunctional elder!
Whether a "wake-up-call" could be triggered by telling her .graphically. what slow death by alcohol is like at her age, is sitting on the fence...most usually refuse to engage in any conversation like that. They have retreated into their 'isolation cave', and don't want to come out.
Do what you can to cut her off of her supply of substance--it likely won't help much, if a neighbor or "friend" is aiding and abetting.
But, if you remove whatever alcohol you can find, it could slow it down, and, frustrate the neighbor by causing Mom's habit to be too expensive for the neighbor to feed anymore.
OTH...she is as she is.
At 74 lbs., she's barely skin and bones--even if a petit size. THAT can be a medical emergency....IF the hospital will look at it from that angle.
Usually, they try to avoid looking. People staffing facilities dislike dealing with psych issues, alcohol and drug issues cause increased psych issues--especially in elders....the whole modern-medicine-insurance-facility model is NOT designed to help those circumstances at all well....unless they can control the patients by some pills. They must be extremely careful about that, too, lest they get lawsuits for using restraints [whether tied hands and/or feet, or using drugs to heavily control behavior, or locking them in one room---both are restraints]
Sorry, not able to get too deep into detail here.
It can be awful trying to get professional help for elder substance abusers.... Medicine knows those rarely take prescribed meds reliably or properly. Medicine knows those types are poor conformers/direction followers.
You COULD simply Let Them report you for Elder abandonment---but really? Legally? THEY are abandoning, and trying to make it appear as though you are the one..... Look into what could really happen, by your local laws, if you simply refused to pick her up.
The hospital has limited options: They can put her back in a bed; they can move her to a different facility; they can try to coerce or scare you into taking the person back home.
But legally? About all they might successfully do To you for refusing to take her back under your roof is, to take full custody of her---that is, they can take the POA from you [unless you really want it back]; they can refuse your visiting your elder. They might try to make something stick in a "file", which might prevent your doing eldercare or even foster care on anyone else.
OTH...YOU can choose to go get an Elder Ombudsman/Client Advocate person, when a facility tries to pressure you into taking Mom back into an unsafe living situation at your house.
YOU tell them it is unsafe for the elder at your house, and why [you and your family have health issues that preclude doing elder care at all; the elder is abusive and it is endangering you or your family members--especially younger children; etc.] There needs to be good, rational reasons why the elder cannot return to living under your roof as before.
IF they still fail to "get it", reframe that, kinda like: So, you would rather I take Mom home to live under our roof, where her choices and behaviors and needs cause debilitating hardship or injury to others? Do you realize my taking Mom home, can trigger all of us to become homeless? [what fits your circumstances]...
UNfortunately, medical usually fails to count mental and emotional abuse by an elder on the caretaker.
Some caregivers get to the point of break-down, so simply LET the facility try to slap a worn-out, sick, financially compromised caregiver, with legal action when they tell the facility they cannot take the elder back to live with them.
THAT could result in very nasty Public Relations for the facility.
In a court motion, they would use EVERY bit of evidence that you are unfit in some very ugly ways....later, in a contest of that motion, you would have to prove otherwise.
I got to that point. My spouse and I were so physically sick, largely from Mom being in our house, taking apart our lives in every way, I was ready to simply LET them accuse me of elder abandonment or abuse... they had no actual evidence, really, unless they trumped-up fake evidence.
But I was at that point, to get them to physically remove her from our home, lest we died before her, related to her behaviors so badly affecting us.
HAVE YOU been keeping a Daily Diary of what is said, done, conditions, etc.? THAT is one of your best protections. HAVE YOU anonymously called for welfare checks on your Mom? HAVE YOU called the psych department every time she's acting out? HAVE YOU called 911 every time she might get violent or abusive towards you and your other family members, so there's a police report/paper trail?
When a facility tries to block you from visiting, or takes her POA, after you "abandoned" your elder to them ....they might get away with it, but that would be contestable, I think, legally...
You might be able to get POA and visitation back again, via the courts. Or you might only get parts of those.
Please place your Mom's situation in context of big-picture Risk: Benefit ratio. And, Mom is not the person you thought you knew while growing up.
She has changed, is much less of "herself", than ever.
Her body is dwindling, her mind is also [if she's always had psych issues, even undiagnosed...she's been an adventure to live with, already!].
She's not dead yet; but she is certainly not in the Land of the Living, either.
Only you can determine what collateral damage she has actually been causing in your home, and if any of that's OK with you--she's Unlikely to change.
IF she's been living in her own home, and is managing to get-by, that is really something...let her. It might also get gruesome, if there's a gas leak, or anything else to endanger her at home.
Only you can choose what is OK for you and yours, where your limits are...there will always be some who try to shove others beyond their ability to cope...that is, in other terms, considered bullying, or could even be considered abusive.
So, next time the facility/social worker or planning person tries to coerce you to take Mom back home, and Mom is still compromised, bring up any or all of the following:
MAGIC WORDS might include:
"Endangering herself or others";
"I am too unwell myself, to do more than be her POA, and maybe to visit her in facility" [be prepared to back that with your own medical records, if needed];
"Stop harassing me" [in context to what they say, which might sound like harassment]; also,
"That sounds like Bullying or Abuse towards a worn-out caregiver"...
DO state:
"The goal is to ensure Mom is safe and appropriately cared for;
I cannot physically or financially do that at home anymore;
by forcing me to take her back, you would cause me [and my family?] to become sicker, which could rapidly result in greater costs to the systems;
Mom is at the point of endangering herself and/or others;
Please place Mom into a facility, to protect her from endangering herself or others!"
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My husband is a late stage alcoholic. I am no longer able to tolerate his
behavior. We've tried many rehabs and he does not want to get sober. Is there
any where that will take alcoholics that are no longer able to care for themselves?
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