Follow
Share

I want to know how to help understand mom has dementia is forgetting to bath eat her doctor says she would benefit in an assistant living but that would be her choice but she was put in an assistant living by my sister but she doesn't know it because my sister tells her she's in the hospital my mom doesn't want to be there my sister has POA without consulting with the rest of her siblings my mom said she never gave my sister that right how can we have rights to POA the reason she ended up on assistant living is because my sister wasn't making sure she was taken her medication eatting so my mom now become dehydrated and malnutrition and taken to the hospital from there they told me she wasn't being taken care of and needs to be with someone that will care for her so my sister just tells them to put her in assistant living we were all upset because my sister never call me to inform us what was happening with our mom I don't live near several hours away I feel my sister negated my mom so this would be easy for her to just put her away my sibling and I are very angry my sister did this I feel and I know if my mom live near me this would never happen what can I do I want to help bring my mom to live near me where I know I can help look out for her well being and she has the rest of the family that would help please advise me I already got infor from a lawyer but my sister is not making it easy we just want to help mom

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
I'm a New yorker. My siblings stole my Mother's home via a quit-claim deed. The cops said it was civil and a gurdian was put in place. The guardian sold the home, and Mom is in a nursing home, what can I do?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

momskeeper, thank you for that candid after-the-fact assessment on the at-home/in-care-center question.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

If your Mom has dementia and is in assisted living then be happy for her and thank your sister for putting her there. Even if you lived next door to your Mom you could not change things for her and it would drain you.
My Mother has some dementia but it isn't very bad, yet. Her short term memory is terrible but her long term memory is great. To be perfectly honest, if I had known what I was getting into, I would have let my siblings put her in a NH. That will sound selfish to some of you but I feel like I have lost the sweet, caring Mother who raised me. It makes it hard on your spouse because you can't go places with them and you are too tired to really care.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Part of the problem is none of you knew what situation your mother was in. Your sister was there and not getting any help and not wanting to do it herself or call anyone else. She made herself poa and that was probaly feesible since she was there. If you want to step up you will need an attorney and a plan for her care. Either her living with you and having caregiver assistance, doctors etc. ready for her. Or placing her in another care facility near you. if you are going to beat this in court so they will give you poa. No judge is going to just let her out without 24hr care from someone and moving her as well. I don't mean to sound harsh but that is exactly how they are going to look at it and you are going to have to have a plan in place or you won't have a leg to stand on. I hope your mom receives the best care she deserves and your family can find some peace and a way to heal your relationship with one another. Personally, my family has been ripped in half with no way to repair the damage that has been done, over my parents.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Looking back on caring for my Grandmother in my home for Five years with dementia. I was very naive and if I had to do it all over again I think the only thing I would have done differently is not to try and correct her when she spoke of the past as the current. Who cares...........When she wondered off talking about days in her youth and early marriage why would it be important to correct. After about a year I caught on. If they were happy times and she was not distressed in the moment I would just agree. It seem to keep her confussion and frustration down. My Grandmother had no memory of my Mother, her daughter. i believe it was because she was living with me and to her I was her daughter. I went with it. We as a family did too because she was comfortable knowing I was her daughter. It was my face she saw every morning and everynight getting ready for bed. This was the hardest work I have ever done in my life and unless you are capable of being available 24/7 caring you might think twice. It is a disease that attacts the most precious part of our body, The mind. With that said you can talk till you blue in the face but short term memory is gone and is deterirating rapidly. You have to monitor everything in their care. They cannot help it and why it is such a cruel disease. It is hard looking at an adult who many more times than others is as curious and dangerous as a two year old left alone. You would not leave a baby and you cannot leave them. I am fortunate to have a family that supported me in supporting my Grandmother. My life was on hold. I made that decision but at the time I had no clue what I was getting into. I do not regret my decison but I also am aware we had no options because Assisted Living or Nursing Homes were not an option $.
The last two years were the worst. You are feeding,bathing,diapers and watching someone you love slip away. She was not bed riden so that kept me on my toes because she could get up and be out the door before you knew it.
So maybe your sister was doing this for you siblings not to have to make the decisio, I don't know but I do think it worth you all going to some support groups to get a better idea of what you will be accepting as a fulltime job caring for a demetia patient before anyone throws stones. I wish you all the best and please know we all here on this site are here to give an opinion looking in from the outside and never never passing judgements. We are all for supporting each of us with the cards we have been dealt. Good Luck and please follow up with us all and let us know how you are doing. I care and we all care. Best to you always.........Lisa
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Well, puzzlesncards2, if mother could remember to open an envelop every day, she might not need the reminder! :-) I am seeing this scene play out in my mind's eye. Mom opens the envelop. It says to take a bath. OK. But it is not bath time yet. So Mom folds the paper up very neatly into a little square and tucks it into the saucer under the flowerpot, for safe keeping. A little while later she notices the stack on envelopes and thinks she'd better open one. She does. It reminds her to eat. But, she thinks, she did already eat today. But maybe she will eat again later. She folds the messages into a neat tiny square and puts it in the freezer.

Sigh. When the basic problem is loss of memory, it is pretty hard to rely on a reminder system they have to remember to use!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

CarmenMaria... I'm thinking about your question on how to help your mother remember to take a bath and eat.

You might try giving your mother 7 envelopes each week for her to open one each day. Inside the envelope in large type. Today day I shall take a bath, or something like that, even a picture of a tub.

Plus, Today, I am hungry, it is time to eat.

Just a suggestion. More caregiver tips:
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I am currently in the same position as your sister. My mother asked to live with me at age 81 and gave me POA (5 1/2 years ago). I have done absolutely everything to take good care of her. I work full time and have no family here to help me. I have developed a health problem that is exacerbated by stress and this has definitely been the most stressful experience of my life. I did everything for my mother including sleeping with a baby monitor in my room every night. I thought she had a good life in a nice home and neighborhood. I bought her a dog, new bedroom furniture, took her to have her nails and hair done and everywhere with me I possibly could to get her out. But I have learned that she told everyone but me who would listen how miserable and unhappy she was and that the way she was living was inhumane. She is in the beginning stages of dementia and is very healthy due to my diligence where her health is concerned. Two months ago she started running away and that escalated to the point that I was concerned about her safety and I put her in assisted living. She told my daughter that I had all her money which isn't much, like I took it from her and I haven't spent any of it on her care. She wants it now because she wants to move back home, 600 miles away but there is no one there to help her. I have been upset, depressed and exhausted and am hoping I can finally find some peace now that she isn't living with me. I am still doing her laundry, taking her to the Drs and providing for her needs outside of the facility. But putting her there may have saved my life even though I am sure some people think I've mistreated her. The police have been to my home a number of times because of her running away and I'm sure if they thought there was a problem with me they would've had Social Services involved. It is impossible to tell someone what caring for an individual with dementia and depression due to the fact that they know somethings wrong, is like. It takes every bit of your energy and fortitude. Don't judge your sister and be glad that you didn't have to walk in her shoes or it would be you that your mother is upset with. Families need to learn to work together in these situations if at all possible. Being a caregiver is a thankless, demanding, 24 hour a day job. If you were being paid to do it, you would probably think it was worth no amount of money. Just be grateful that your mother is OK now. You can't force people with dementia to do anything they decide they don't want to do and some of her health issues were more than likely due to her behavior.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Dementia has many levels ( eight, I think), and it can be devastating to the caregiver. Short-term memory loss is one of the earliest stages and can be dealt with fairly easily. You just have to watch her every day, at all times. Don't worry about it if she forget things. Perhaps you could enjoy the long-term memories together with her.....so mcuh fun.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

*Trying* said it perfectly. Parents can put on excellent behavior around people who only visit even if it's an effort they won't make for the caregiver.
Nurses and acquaintances always tell me how sweet and adorable mom is. I think of it as her "Date night" behavior, LOL.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

If you truly want to help your mom, visit often, tell her you love her, and do the best you can to understand that your sister may have done what is best for your mother. It is hard to be away from a loved one and really know what is going on. I think it is also really hard to be the one close to mom and have to justify choices we have to make. I have lived within 5 minutes of my parents all my life and two of my siblings moved away years ago. When my siblings come home, or when they call my mom (my dad passed this Spring) is a different person than she is on a day to day basis. She wants them to come home so is very easy to get along with. With me, who she knows will always be here, she can be very difficult. It has always been this way. It doesn't mean she doesn't love me...I think it is just her way to keep her independence. When they are here she makes it sound like things are so good, she does her breathing treatments, is willing to go out of the house, wears her hearing aid, etc. They do not know any different. She says things that are not true but they have no reason not to believe her. She does well in general, but what I am trying to say is that it is different if you are the person who feels responsible for her every day well being or if you are the person from a distance wanting things to be good because what you see may not be every day, every hour, every minute reality. I understand your situation may be different than mine and what is going on with your mom may not be the same as what is going on with my mom. I just wanted to give you a heads up from another viewpoint. Also maybe think about how hard it would be to have your mom move close to you and take her out of familiar surroundings. This is all so difficult and especially if there is not good comunication between family members. Good luck to all of you and God bless!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Julie, is there enough money in your mom's account to pay for a sitter once a week, for even just a shift? Who has control of her money? If not you or your sis, make an appointment at the bank with your mom and see if your she would be willing to set up an automatic pay to a local care company for a weekly (or at least once monthly) visit from a sitter. DO NOT get into a conversation of why a sitter needs to come to give you a break, or it will get personal and it will get ugly. Just say you can't be there on (Tuesdays).
It's so hard when these issues have not been put in writing before the dementia sets in.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I am taking care of my mum, 86, who has vascular dementia, and who had battled breast caner, colon cancer, suffered hed injury resulting the Sundowner's sydromw from sudural heamorrhage and now has also been diagnosed with secondary cancers in liver and lng, such brave and admirable unfortunate she also suffers vascualr dementia. So looking after her in more than a 24/7 job -emotionallly draining, mentally exhausting having to deal with her mood change because she has beome very depressed, angry with everthing, everyone and the world. I have been the 'target' she just sway from a pleasant mood to someone who is extremely unforgiving with paranoia. I can't even have my meals in peace. She would put all blames onto me beause my eldest sister does not engage in 'active' caring for her ( she is 69 and I am 65). Mum , I is considered to have 'terminal' cancer with no hope of any mode of treament, she is receiving palliative care. The burden of comforting her (often get rejected by her) rest on me as I have a nursing background. For past 4 months, I have not been geting even a day respite from mum hereas my sister spend less than 5 hours each day at home with mum and I. Both these 2 women whom I used to have 'huge' repect for are now draining my emotions for my sister 'insist' in reasoning with mum ( who is lucid about 6-7 hours eachdays.
The hospice team had met with my sister and I and propsed and agreed that my sister make sure that I have a day away from caring from mum.Up to now, I am still waiting for that offer(it is already 3 months!!! I need advice to deal with the situation' Caution my sister has resisted comments/suggestions from counsellor. medicos and 'friends' re working together-her replies have been' I don't taake to any advice by anyone, I do as I likee; don'r tell me what to do. In contrast I just 'seek out for advice to deal with mum 's demand Juliek
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Dementia is hard but depending on the level, my mother has it for 2 years now, she still knows what she wants. She was doing fine, till my sister took her to court to be declared incompetent, since there were some questions she could not answer. the courts declared her incompetent appointed a professional guardian ( who is anything but professional) The courts should of checked out my sister first she has a mental problem. I am spending all my time trying to get the guardian removed for her unethical and unprofessional behavior. She has isolated my mother because my brother and I ask questions. My brother lives out of state. I am only allowed to visit 1 day a week. She also has threatened to limit me more if I say anything. This is affecting my mother both emoitionally and physically and THIS IS LEGAL! OUR ELECTED OFFICALS KNOW THIS GOES ON ACROSS THE USA wHAT DO THEY DO? My mother hasn't even had her teeth taken care of now she has none, or any perscription eyeglasses. They don't do that much for her in the Assisted Living either. feed her, med. that's about it! It's appaling.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

The advice you have gotten here is absolutely right: Dementia is cruel on the person who has it and also to the caregiver, and it is very likely that your sister was not negligent, but that the job is simply too big now. Jeannegibbs is correct that your mom just being nearby in an apartment is not enough without live-in help. You could take it on if you want to, but I recommend you be happy with visiting her in her Assisted Living Facility and let the staff there handle the hard and unpleasant stuff for you. your relationship with your mom will be much more pleasant. Remember, it will never again be like it was before dementia.
Discussions about money are unpleasant but necessary. you never know how long your mother will live and need care. So, it is not greedy, it is wise for your sister to be concerned about costs in order to make sure that the money will not run out while your mom still needs it. Please take a deep breath and be grateful that your mom can afford assisted living.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Awk! I didn't meant to address that last comment to CarmenMaria, not Yellowbird. Sorry.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

And also Yellowbird5411 living near you would not be enough unless Mother lived in an assisted living place near you. My husband has dementia and gets along pretty well living at home WITH ME. There is no way in this world he would be safe living alone, even if our children each came in and saw him every day. So it is not realistic at all (in my mind) to think you could move her into an apartment near you and handle it that way.

I have no idea how diligent your sister has been and whether there may have been some neglect going on. But I do know that dementia reaches a point where it is extremely hard to provide adequate supervision unless you are on the scene 24/7. That is why a care center is often a much safer choice than anyone trying to keep on top of things with daily or more frequent visits.

As for your mother not giving authority to the POA sister ... Mother's signature had to be witnessed by a notary, so she definitely agreed to it at one time. The fact that she doesn't remember doing it should not surprise you. She has dementia!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I don't know what your sister's motives were, but it is very likely that her decision was the best thing for mother at this time. Dementia is puts people at serious risk and usually at some point it get beyond the services that can be provided at home.

You've talked to a lawyer so you probably know that only Mother can decide to appoint someone else as POA, and since her dementia is worse now she may not be legally competent to do that.

As Yellowbird suggests, the really important thing now is to do what is best for Mother. If at all possible, all of the sibs working together would be a much better use of emotional energy than fighting over who gets to make decisions.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

It is really important to stay focused on what your mother needs at this point, rather than your love and desire to care for her. Dementia is a heart-rending disease, and depending on the progression of it and what kind it is (Alzheimers), she may not have the emotional investment you do regarding being close to you. It is possible that before long, she will not know where she is, or even recognize some of her relatives or friends. Be glad she is in assisted living, where she has 24/7 care. Relatives who try, out of love, to provide this same care in their homes can wear themselves out, and over the long haul, it may not work out. Even though your mother was placed without your participation or knowledge, it was done in your mother's best interest, and that should always be the focus, not the sibling rivalry and power plays that family often find themselves in when these occasions arise. Try to separate the two issues. Parents can often become the pawn to kids who are fighting with each other over the parent's care. Avoid this at all costs. Parents pick up on this and it can upset them terribly. If you want to move your parent closer to you and keep them in assisted living, meet with your family and discuss this. You say you have a lawyer, so including him or her in the scenario might be advisable, as money may be involved. As a parent ages, another issue starts to become apparent, and that is subtle tug-of-wars over the estate. Many times children or other relatives will try to keep a parent near or in their home so they can claim "caregiver" status. But often, it is about the money, not about the parent. It is important to identify motivations for all these issues, and a lawyer or other party can provide a more objective view. Visit your parent (mother) often. Try to keep communications open within the family. Schedule a family conference, and invite everyone to discuss and plan for the care of a family member. Assisted living is not the end of the road, it is often the only alternative in an otherwise risk-filled home where a senior is no longer able to care for themselves.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter