How can I help my father defend himself against unwanted interference by an "overly controlling" family member?
Basic problem is my brother's overly controlling wife (a former nurse), who thinks she knows what's best for everyone If you do not agree with her, in her mind it is proof of your (and my father's) incompetence. Her most used words are "you need to..." "he needs to.....". My brother has been brain-washed to believe whatever she says (and keep his mouth shut so as not to anger her), so there will be no help there.
My father had to be hospitalized for a short while for a mild heart attack. He was glad of my brother's and his wife's help for the short time he needed a bit of help to recuperate, but now they will not "stand down" and respect his wishes for privacy between patient and doctor. My fathers wishes for privacy are being interpreted by these family members as unacceptable (since he does not speak nurse-doctor medical lingo, that means he is incapable of communicating directly with a doctor). They equate his wishes for autonomy and no meddlling with evidence of incompetency.
These family members are HIGHLY JUDGEMENTAL. If someone does not have their lives ordered EXACTLY as they do, they are quite verbal about declaring that the the person is obviously deranged or incompetent (this applies to me, their daughter, their friends, and, unfortunately for him, my father).
My concern is that they will try to have my father declared incompetent so they can "properly care for him", as THEY see fit. My father is NOT incompetent! His house is immaculate (but they saw he saved ONE bag of plastic grocery store bags to use for trash---that makes him a hoarder!) They say "he NEEDS to stop driving"---but he has never had a problem driving! His car is immaculate and has no scratches or dents. I ride with him and he does great--no weaving, no "close calls". Being 87 does not automatically mean you are incompetent ; having 1 mild heart attack does not make you incapable!
They have expressed their intent to control him (to me) and I have tried to warn him to watch his back, but he has NO IDEA of what they are talking about behind his back.
I am not crazy in knowing that he is quite capable of taking care of himself ("despite" being 87)---I visit and stay in his house for 2-3 days each month and directly se how capable he is!
In their eyes, they think they are being good family members and stepping up to help the poor helpless&incompetent 87 yr old father--and that he is GOING to take their help and meddling no matter what he wishes!
HELP! ANY IDEAS?