twinlaura Asked March 2012

How do I handle my mom who is disabled physically and my dad with stage 7 Alzheimer? She told him and I to shut up.

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This is not the first time this has happened, she now is not speaking to me and my dad. I do everything for them. I feel like I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. She gives him to many chores I guess you can call them, and I tell her tell him one thing at a time. When he completes the task, then if needed, she can give him another. She is constantly yelling at him or I, I just don't know what to do. My heart hurts not for me, but for my dad, there is no reason at all the tell my father, the greatest man on earth, to shut up, because there is gonna come that day where she won't hear is voice. She has admitted to me she will not accept the disease, that is what I was trying to talk to her when all this shut up started and not talking to dad and I. Can anyone help me? TwinLaura

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Katrinka Mar 2012
Hi twin. One thing I learned caring for my mom was not to take things personally. I can only imagine that there is allot of frustration inside of them when they realize they are unable to care for themselves or do what they used to do. My mom wanted to be around more people and like you, my family didn't come around much either. When they did it was short. Being that you are/were a medical assistant you probably have insight to local agencies and assistant programs right? It appears that both your parents suffer from dementia. "you' need to listen to their doctor's and follow your instincts in caring for them - not rely on your mother's. She isn't well. There were certain things that the doctor suggested that I said no to and other things that I went along with but I did not consult with my mother concerning medicines. As a matter of fact when I took her in she was on 12 different medications and why I think that led to her falling and breaking her hip while in a RH. I narrowed those meds down to 1 blood pressure pill and 1 pill for her mood swings and a vitamin. After she broke her hip the doc in the hospital stated she probably wouldn't live past 6 mo. Once I got her out of there and away from morphine etc. after 10 days the RH /SNIFF didn't expect her to make it. Well, she did.
I brought her in with me (alone) and she lived 2 1/2 yrs after her operation.
I guess I'm saying trust your instincts. Being a med assistant you are probably wiser than the average bear to begin with; Don't take what they say to heart. Their minds are not clear and if they are in pain - that's enough to make anyone cranky. I'll be thinking about you - take care and I pray things get better for all of you.
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twinlaura Mar 2012
mom's disability is a bad back, diabetes, lymphoma, she uses a walker, has her portable potty in the room with her, and she is on oxygen.
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twinlaura Mar 2012
thanks for making me feel not alone, mom is still not talking to me, and still yelling at dad, I am a medical assistant, and not working, only taking care of my parents. I have 5 children, 3 out on their own, my oldest daughter and her husband and two grandbabies live here with us and also my 17 year old son. I get NO help, I have a twin sister who lives 10 minutes away and a older brother who lives in eastpoint we barely see either of them. Mom wont talk to dad's doctor, not even on the phone. She wanted to put dad on ativan for his sleep and hallucinations, but mom thinks he will get addicted to it. I told the doctor that and she was very upset, she said "Laura, what difference is it going to make about addiction now." Addiction is not the problem, it is my mom. I feel like a rock stuck in a hard place. God bless all of you that wrote me back,,,,anymore information is gladly appreciated! Laura
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twinlaura Mar 2012
thanks for making me feel not alone, mom is still not talking to me, and still yelling at dad, I am a medical assistant, and not working, only taking care of my parents. I have 5 children, 3 out on their own, my oldest daughter and her husband and two grandbabies live here with us and also my 17 year old son. I get NO help, I have a twin sister who lives 10 minutes away and a older brother who lives in eastpoint we barely see either of them. Mom wont talk to dad's doctor, not even on the phone. She wanted to put dad on ativan for his sleep and hallucinations, but mom thinks he will get addicted to it. I told the doctor that and she was very upset, she said "Laura, what difference is it going to make about addiction now." Addiction is not the problem, it is my mom. I feel like a rock stuck in a hard place. God bless all of you that wrote me back,,,,anymore information is gladly appreciated! Laura
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jeannegibbs Mar 2012
If he is at stage 7 or close to it, this disease is not new in your household. Has your mother had unrealistic expectations of your dad all along? Or is it the decline in this stage triggering more denial? In any case, poor Dad should not be subjected to this kind of abuse, and neither should you!

Is Mom pretty good cognitively? If she has no dementia herself, who might she listen to, better than she listens to a daughter? Dad's doctor? A clergy person? A good friend? A relative in her age bracket? The best solution would be to convince her that Dad cannot help his behavior, and she needs to adapt her interactions with him accordingly.

If she has dementia too, or if she firmly resists changing her behavior, then figuring out a way to reduce the amount of interaction she has with him is probably the next best approach.

I wish you all the best in protecting your dad.
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Laura,

Does your mom also have Alzheimer disease? I ask because it is common for Alzheimer's patients to become aggressive and abusive as the disease grows within them.
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ChristinaW Mar 2012
Hi Laura, sounds like you have double trouble. No way should SHE be giving orders to your poor Dad. If you are doing everything for them, you need to make the chore schedule. Can you separate them? Maybe a social worker needs to come in and explain to her about how real the disease is. I can see why your Dad would want to "escape" your Mom. She may be disabled, but her abusive attitude needs to stop. Do you have another sibling or one of her friends who could come in and distract your Mom while you take care of your Dad? I am surprised at stage 7 he could follow directions to do chores, but everyone is unique.
What more can you tell us about your situation? Are you working outside of home, do you have your own family? Are you able to get your Dad in a memory unit? How is Mom disabled and what is she actually able to do on her own? You will get a lot of great ideas and help here. Welcome, and take a deep breath!
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