My mother, who is a highly functioning 84-year-old, stepped over the line as far as verbal abuse. How do I handle this?

REB:

Hey girl! Time to let your hair down and, w/o being crude, crass, and obscene, serve notice you're not taking c__p anymore. Your mom might drop her dentures in disbelief, but trust me: it'll be a liberating experience.

She'll rant, rave, and try to flip the script on you; but don't back down and apologize as I assume you've always done. It's a brand new day.

You want to be close to your mother and create a loving relationship. I want to be 4 inches taller and have naturally curly hair. Sigh. We can't always have what we want, can we?

You can control your own behavior. You can be loving. I doubt that you can control the nature of the relationship. With the help of your therapist perhaps you can turn your attention to more attainable goals.

It is your house. If having your mother living in it alone is causing you too much stress, change that. One option is to insist she hire paid help. Another, of course, is for her to move to a care center of some sort. You can make the rules. If she is going to live in your house she has to 1), 2), 3) -- whatever conditions will relieve your anxiety. She won't agree to those terms? Offer to help her house hunt.

I am so glad you are working toward your own mental well-being. You could have Mother to deal with for another 10 to 15 years, perhaps with increased needs. Don't wait that long to take charge of your own happiness!

I just read your post Rebecca and I must say I can relate. I have always been my Mother's whipping post and she can be very mean and hateful. Her Mother was this way and it is just so sad to me. My Grandmother loved me and was very attentive to me and I think that has always bothered my Mom. My Grandmother has been gone for a long time. But my Mom will be 85 in April, I have tried everything with her. At times (when it suites her) she can be nice. I would say distance yourself as much as possible( I know that is easier said than done) and take care of you. Encourage your other siblings to call her and think seriously of Lifeline (or something like it) so she can get help if she needs it. One thing I taught my children was becareful about your words cause words can HURT!
(as you and I well know, and they cannot be taken back ) take care J

Can you get an alert bracelet and monitoring service for her? That way, she can summon help if she needs it. I applaud you drawing the line, it's the only way to show her tha bad behavior is NOT rewarded. Good luck!

Years ago I read a book about Difficult People sadly my Mother is that difficult person in my life... I love her because I know I supposed to, however I don't really like her much and I would happily ignore her except I feel an obligation to her. My Dad passed away and my sisters for the most part do not wish to be bothered. Some days are harder that others and today sadly is one of those days. If things don't change soon, I will be the one taking the anxiety pills and the anti-depressants, that is what my sister thinks I should get for Mother.

Thank you for all of your answers. My father left the farm in trust so that my mother could stay in her house but the house was technically mine. I cannot win with her and no longer want to fight her one-sided battle that involves her wanting to control everything. I am going to back off for a while and ask a few of her friends to check on her some. I think she is going to have to implode and realize that she cannot keep living alone. She had a traumatic brain injury 4 years ago and does not always remember everything. I will try to protect her from a distance and let her come to her own understanding about limitations. I am not trying to be harsh, but I have just been diagnosed with COPD even though I have never smoked. I am just weary. Please forgive my whining. I am usually tougher than this. Rebecca

My mother is 93 and acts the same she feels entitled to be mean except when it suits her needs-I keep a distance as much as I can -my sister lives near her and when I go to visit my sister has me stay with her-my sister because she has seen Mom in action with me and her verbal digs to me-I know I can not have a relationship with her I do not argue back because of her age and when I am with her I have decided to just ignor her digs-you may have to face the fact she does not want a relationship with her I would call social service and relate to them your concerns-since she has the right to live there and wants to-they will have to get her assesed as to her safety and with the decision not comming from you she can get mad as hell but will have to go along with their ideas -you need to be away from her -tell social services about her family that could give a hand-you do not deserve to be treated this way and should not be expected to put up with it any longer-she may have to be placed but it will be up to her in the long run-please call social services right away and get help-you may have to rescue yourself from this situation-I had to with my husband-he pushed me to the point I could not and would not care for him-it was his behaivor that got him placed. You need to take care of yourself-she made the decision when she treated you so badly-I had the same thing with my mother growing up so I relate very much with you. Keep us posted-we can all help each other there are so many going through the same things with their parents and spouses.

My Mom can be really nasty and mean with her mouth when we were children she could be mean with her hands and other weapons such as wooden spoons...Now she has dementia no filter and she can just be so UNKIND! I would suggest backing away and letting someone else deal with her. take care, Jaye

Rebecca I think you are doing the right thing staying away-she is not going to change what she is doing works well for her. I have Lifeline by Phillips it cost 39 dollare a month and they call once a month to check on it. I ive in a small town and my son tested it outside and it works well in most places outside.

Rebecca: I'm not sure I understand your situation completely, but let me just share a personal reflection. I am the oldest of 4 children. I always had a difficult time with my mom growing up. I left home at 18 years old and moved away. My 3 sibs lived closest to my mom and dad all their lives and were there for holidays, birthdays, etc. My mom had a way of hurting my sibs too. Long story short, at age 55 I extended an invitation for my parents to move out of state and live next door to us on our property. My husband and I had retired and my mom had always wanted me to be in charge of her health issues. No one else (sibs) was retired, everyone worked and my parents had health issues and safety issues. My husband was not happy about having my parents move here, but he did it for me. I did everything I could for my mom, but I think she was somewhat narcissistic. At one point, I started walking with a friend on my street and going to weight watchers. I lost 35 pounds and was so happy about it. But my mom was pretty resentful that I was so into my walking, etc. One day she let me have it about my walking (this took about 60 minutes per day). She said, "All you think about is your walking" and I was shocked at her attitude. I told her, "Mom, walking is the only thing I do for myself. It's for my health." Now bear in mind, that I gave my mom daily injections, took her to hundreds of doc appointments, colored and fixed her hair, cleaned their house, took care of their finances, prescriptions, etc., and fixed their meals. My mom passed away after 3 plus years. The first two weren't so bad, she was happy because I had no purpose but to serve them. But the last year was bad. That's when I started walking and looking after my health. That's also when she started overdoing her pain meds. I still regret that the last year of her life was so hard for both of us. It's not what I would have wanted. I can still remember my Dad telling my brother, Maureen does everything for mom, but nothing she can do is good enough. I was grateful for that, but I am still kind of ticked at my mom for not being more loving towards me. I did my best and thought at this stage of my life I could handle her with more grace and wisdom. Unfortunately, the last year was much like my child hood memories. I would have wished it could have ended on a better note. One that would have made me feel like I had crossed a bridge with her.

My point is, it's totally reasonable for you to not want to spend your life living with anxiety about your mom or her nasty attitude toward you. Life is too short. Still, no matter what it's hard to live with the loss of not feeling like you ever made that connection with your mom that you wanted to make. It's a need we all share.

Don't let people bully you or treat you badly. If they can't give you the respect you deserve, at least give it to yourself. What else can you do?