flcreyes Asked July 2010

Help! How do I handle the emotional and physical abuse from my mother?

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I care for my mother and she is emotionally and physically abusive. It's always been this way, but now it's getting worse as she gets older.

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hillary Jul 2010
My mother is in assisted living and has become so nasty and verbally abusive it's hard to deal with her. She is now on medication and we are hoping it will at least the edge off. If you mom was not this way before just try to remember it's not her it's the disease. Good luck!
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Stand up for yourself. The more your mother sees that she can get away with it, the more she will abuse. If you show her that you won't be treated in an abusive way, she might behave. Don't get sucked in to the arguments. Take the high road, letting her know you're not going to fight, or stand for the way she talks to you.
Try putting some distance between the two of you. Tell your mother that you are going to hire an outside caregiver. Then do it. Once she sees how good she had it with you, she might change her tune - and her behavior. Community moderator Carol Bursack wrote an article on this subject. You might want to check it out:
https://www.agingcare.com/Featured-Stories/137122
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toadballet1 Jul 2010
Does your mother live with you? Close proximity is always challenging, but when you have an abusive parent under your roof, it can become intolerable.
Are other living arrangements possible (assisted living, nursing home)? I am normally an advocate for "aging-in-place" but you have had a long history of abuse from your mother and you need to protect yourself.
If this is not possible, then the coping mechanisms that Anne mentioned above will help. It is like behavioral modification. If you remain emotionless and leave the room whenever she becomes unruly, she will see that she cannot get what she wants from you: a reaction.
I say you need as much distance from her as possible on a daily basis. I would even hire a paid caregiver to come in to sit with her while you go out for some serious "me time."
Take care,
Lilli
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anne123 Jul 2010
Number one, do not tolerate abuse. It will only grow and escalate if you do. You need to take care of yourself....you are important too. Train yourself to set firm limits on this type of behavior from your mother. For example.....walking away, leaving the room, going out for a while, and so on. And equally as important, tell your mother you will not tolerate disrespect or abuse.
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