tweetie1016 Asked June 2010

I feel so guilty about placing my dad in a nursing home. How can I deal with the guilt?

Follow
Share

My dad has been falling a lot at his home and his dementia is getting worse. He is now in a rehab/nursing facility and looks very well. He wants to come home but the doctor says he does so much better there. When he is home I run to his house frequently to give him food and his meds. I cannot be there 24/7; it is completely draining me and I am getting so sick physically and emotionally. I have a brother who helps me a lot and a sister who does absolutely nothing. I don't know whether to leave him there or try to bring him home again. This is the third time he ended up in the rehab/nursing facility in a year. He does not quality for a 24/7 nurse at home.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
23

Answers

Show:
1 3
susanT8403 Jun 2010
Please understand that this is a hard decision to make but usually, well for me anyway they get over it and thank u in the end!!!!!
I find it hard to manuever around here on this site sometimes, especiallly without my three cups of am coffee!! Its 4am here where I am in Florida and already up and starting my day!!!! I wish I had the time to sleep in and not have to make luches for hubby, worry about moms medicaid, and just in general go on a freaking vacation!!!!! I need one bad, also take a look at my profile its under susant8403
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

susanT8403 Jun 2010
YES< I couldnt have said it better myself, that is just what I do!!!! my mom is an artist, I brought her canvas, paints, brushes, etc.............now she is painting again which she never wanted to do at home, she just wanted to live like a vampire, all the blinds closed, depressed, atrophed, and not wanting to take care of her hygeine anymore! I couldnt do a thing to change it, but things got alot better once I made the decision to put her in a skilled facility, unfortunaltey, assisted living didnt work for her! she broke 4 ribs and a finger, got pnewmonia, and nobody cared or watched over her at all! Now its a whole nother ballgame!!! What a difference in her attitude! amazing!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

PirateGal Jun 2010
I would say judge by what his doctor says and how bad his decline is. Can he live alone? Does he brush his teeth and bathe? Can he fix himself something to eat or take his meds properly. Perhaps a caregiver that comes at least 3 hours each day would be helpful? I have a caregiver that comes 4 days a week either 3 or 4 hours a day. It gives me peace of mind that someone is there taking care of food and bathing. I then have the ability to come over after work and then weekends to take up the rest of the caregiving. My mom could not really be by herself that much alone anymore. I am glad I started with a caregiver that came just 2 days a week in the beginning and now have expanded to 4 days. It also helps to have a gentle and quiet caregiver who wants to do a good job.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

MiaMadre Jun 2010
The best way to not feel guilty is to stay INVOLVED in his care. So many have responded on how to check in on your Father, and to do it unannounced. These are good tips.

Get to know the staff and the volunteers. Tell them about your father, his likes, concerns, fears, HOBBIES, etc. The more they know about their charges, the easier their lives are.

Make sure you have some SAY in your fathers' care. If you are not his healthcare proxy, make arrangements to become it. If your father needs help, you can help him. Without it, the doctor only needs to deal with your father. If the facility has CARE PLAN meetings, attend them, or ask for one.

Stay involved, know the staff, ask questions about his care and your guilt will be lessened. Not all facilities are what they seem and some are better than others. Find out the 'rating' for the facilty your father is in, and if you see anything that raises your suspicions, talk to the proper personnel about what you saw.

God bless you and your father!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

judy1 Jun 2010
I placed my mother in an assisted living facility against her will and she was absolutely miserable and so was I. She hated me for placing her there. I didn't know what I was going to do but into her 5th week there she started to enjoy being with people and socializing....It took 5 weeks and now she is happier than she has been in at least 5 yrs........Luckily I found a facility that is very loving and caring...she now thinks all of the people living there are old friends.. It has made her life so much better than being home alone and I know she is now in a safe place...
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Artemisia Jun 2010
Tell yourself this: He's doing well because he has full-time professional care. If you bring him home and he starts going downhill again, THEN you will feel more guilty because you "didn't do enough." Visit often and keep your eyes peeled. Use your nose as well as your eyes.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

DanielRomero,

I'm not sure we feel guilty only because we care. I think we feel guilty for placing someone in the nursing home because of what a loved one may have had us promise them about their senior years or programed us with enough fear and or obligation that if we do anything different from what we know or think they expect, of us. Sometimes, I think we feel guilty for having to swtch roles with our aging parent instead of taking the easy but less helpful route of relating to our parents as if we were a child again. Sometimes, the unthinkable solution is the only reasonable one there is to make. If you have done all that you can do, then all you can done is enough, and that is fine.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

loulou53 Jun 2010
Dont know if this will help there are befriending services where people can sit with your Dad whist family not around. It might be worth ringing social services in elderly care to see what's on offer in your area. I do understand where you are coming from had to have my own mum put in nursing home and its a killer also im x senior health carer in elderly care.You could also try to advertise privately, but if so make sure they come with excellent references.I am now going through problems with my elderly father after a minor stroke wont move out chair refusing to wash and dress or shave or shower wish you best of luck hope it helps.I have worked the homes good and bad word of advise when you walk in take one long sniff if you can smell stale urine or feceaces , walk straight back out.If your Dad still in rehab your rights are to read his care plan to see what care package he has and see what meds he is on DEMAND IT!! THEY ALL SAY I WANT TO GO HOME ITS HEARTBREAKING.obviously he is better off at home if you can cope also social services do do homecare good luck!!!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

CABLAHA Jun 2010
Tweeite1016, You are not alone. I think most of the people on this site feel some kind of guilt. Whether it is for placing a parent into a rest home, or not doing enough, not visiting enough, not calling enough, not being patient enough. We wish things were different. I am not sure if the guilt ever goes away even after they are gone. Just know you are not alone and you did not create this situation. And you can only do what you can do. I try to imagine if I was the person in the nursing home would I want to be a burden to my family and I hope not. And there are people around all the time so your Dad is never alone. My mom was alone and started falling down and wasnt eating until someone visited and thats when she got worse quickly. I feel bad for not taking her in but I know after spending few weeks with her I was a basket case and wasnt giving her the care she needed. Our hearts go out to you.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

TLMullon Jun 2010
Does he really need 24-hour nursing care? If not, maybe you should considered a small assisted living facility or residential care home? It would be less "institutional" and may provide a home like setting. The ratio of caregiver to resident is usually better and there may be less staff turnover. The availability and cost vary depending on where you live. Best wishes and don't be so hard on yourself. You are trying to do your best!!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

1 3
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Related
Articles

Related
Questions