How do I get over the guilt of wanting to be romantically involved with someone other than my husband with dementia?

You have two choices. One live up to your code, stay true to your vows, and accept the consequences. Two admit your human, that you have a need for closeness, sex, a human touch, and accept the consequences. Can I suggest seeing a therapist? You are in an impossible situation with heart rendering consequences either way. A therapist would be a godsend.

Hi , i was wondering if there are any more recent comments? I hope so , anyone like to just chat . I am thinking of opening a chat room on Chathour. would anyone here join . thanks

I think this is a personal decision. My personal opinion and life's philosophy is to never judge others for their decisions...there is a higher judge for that. I also personally feel that you are so very young to be going through this and believe you deserve companionship and intimacy. If I were your family member I would fully support you seeking another relationship. I do not agree with some of the others that say "make it legal" because to me, by caring for your husband you are still fulfilling your duty to him...he is well cared for and calm...and he is also not the same person you married. Also, I am not married, but if I was, and I became ill (which I probably will as Parkinson's runs in my family) and my husband was suffering, I would DEFINITELY want him to seek happiness. My main goal in marriage is not a legal mumbo jumbo contract or a slavery situation, it would be to increase the happiness of my partner and share experience. If I am beyond being able to make him happy and create new experiences I would want, and insist that he find those where he can. I will never stand in the way of someone's happiness.
Angel

These are some of the best open minded answers I have ever read wish I could meet with some of you for support

As a husband I am going through the guilt thing I always get praise from family and freinds about what a wonderful job of caregiving I have done(many years) but I do miss not having sex and a partner to be in bed with and being a freind. My wife (with alzheimers) has been in a home for sometime so life is very lonely especially evenings as it's not fun going to things alone.have a freind(widow of a good freind)who wants to be intamit so not sure if my guilt will let me perform and what would my family think as they are concerned with me getting depressed as I spend 6 hrs a day at least at the home with her.being in that atmosphere for that long is sad and depressing .i am not looking for sympathy or critics just venting really enjoyed the comments

I have been a care taker for my spouse for 10 years and have spent so much energy doing the correct thing. I was so burnt out that I ignored everything around me. Fortunately another person came into my life and I will take the opportunity to have a good friend to enjoy feeling somewhat alive again.
Now sex does not have much to do with our relationship. Just a good friend to go out with, happens to be a male instead of a female. I have no regrets.
Life is short and we all will be dead along time. Carpe Diem.
Wedding vows aside,try saving your own sanity.

vic- i was watching the news about irene . yep looks like fla may just get the wind and rain . watch out carolina s , hope it blows back out in the ocean and nobody gets hurt ....

jules ! horray you and dan are off to the pound . exciting i am .
am so glad that your daughter agreed to help you out , thank god for lit girls :-)
going out does help and i am glad that reading this help ya out and also glad that u decided to give this site a try .
let us know what ya find . i wishi could save all pets there at the pound . proud of you ! and so will the dog !! dan will be happy campers , now all 3 ofyou can go out for a walk and let the dog go to the bathroom , excerise and people will stop by and brag about the new furry baby :-) .
the whole new outlook for ya jules :-) .

Looks like Irene is coming to you all in NC! Please be careful. Like ladee says don't wait until last minute. Especially hard with our loved ones. My son and s fam live in Cocoa, Fl...looks like it may pass them up and head your way...have a niece in Jacksonville..may be close for them. Please be safe

I am so glad you are feeling better. That is sooo good to hear, jules!! Please keep venting. Good luck at the pound. :))

Hey Guys, Getting ready to take Dan for a ride. Going to go look at the pound for a dog. He loves to go riding. I have to put him in the back seat though because he opens the doors going down the highway. The back doors have saftey locks. The front door does'nt. I cannot express enough how all of you have helped me with my strained mentality. I feel so much better and so happy I found this site to vent on. My daughters are going to take turns every weekend to keep him over nite so I can go do something. I had a long talk with them. I used some of the advice all of you have given me as to how I talked to them and it worked. Now we will see. Got to go. He's headed for the car without me, AGAIN! Luv you guys. talk soon!

jules, you are a wonderful caring person and I am so glad you were able to get out and have some fun. :)) I love the dog idea too. You will find that lots of caregivers have either dogs or cats or both. I think it goes along with the "caring" part. I can't imagine not having my two kitties. The one we had before and the male we have now used to love to lay on Mom's bed. Have a wonderful night and please keep posting!!

love,
miz

My daughter got a Yorkie when she first began caregving for Mom (I've had mom 2+ yrs now). She trained him (Roo) as a companion animal, and whenever daughter had to leave Mom alone Roo would sit in Mom's lap the entire time she was gone. Great idea.

Jules,
I said I wasn't coming back but here I am. I just wanted to check on you to see how you're doing. Your thread got hijacked by someone else and unfortunately I concentrated on her and not you. I regret that. You are a loving and faithful wife. Your husband, somewhere in his mind, knows and appreciates what you do for him. A night of dancing must have been so much fun. A good way to get rid of stress. Take care of yourself. We all care about you.

I think it would be so great if you got a dog! Great companionship and comfort (and, well, a little bit of work) for both of you.

I have a Westie (my son's dog) and my liitle Yorkie (who I call my little child substitute since my son is a teen-ager now). My little Lucy is soo sweet; she loves to cuddle and just be close. My Westie loves to WALK and it is a great stress-reliever to get off on some kind of a trail with him and just walk some of my stress away.

I'm glad you went out dancing and had some fun. And without one impure thought - Whohoo!

jules ! that is a wonderful news ! yes a little bitty dog will help and keep ur husband happy and have a lit furry to keep him company . great idea ! am so happy about that . i bet he is exciting that is why he got tons of dog food at walmart , hahaha
glad u went out and went dancing ! i love doing that too . every once in a great while me and my gfriends would go dancin , eat at mexcian place and get wasted on margaritta and bam off to the dance floor . it sure does feels great and happy smilin faces .
thank you for replyin back to me and now i feel so much better , big hugs to you jules and keep comin back . let me know if u did get u a dog . i rescuse a dog from the pound last mnth , suppose be my daughter s dog but now its mine . i know he respects me cuz i saved his life . hes too hyper but he is calmin down some , he knows i do not like him jumpin on me , those claws !! terrible , scars i got now , tons of em .
keep in touch ,,, xoxo

Hi Linda, Dan is doing fine physically. The mind on the other hand isn't. It breaks a persons heart to have to watch someone you loved fade and are not able to do anything to stop the progression. I took him to wal mart today. He put everything he could think of in the shoppin cart! Dog food of all things. We have no dog! Looking for one though. We watched a dog for a friend while he was in the hospital for chemo. Dan related to the dog alot. Talked to her alot too. I'm looking for a Schnauzer or a poodle. They will attach to one person. The doctor said this may be good for him. Karen, I wish you the very best. No hard feelings I hope. I went out the other night dancing. Not one impure thought popped into my head. Thanks Everyone for listening. I really believe this is helping.

Jules, I hope you are helped by posting here.

Most posts seems to convey that having a relationship will be a bad and complicated thing; what if the relationship brings support, and help, and fulfillment. These things seemed to lacking in the relationship before this travesty anyway. I would say, if your relationship (extramarital/caregiver relationship) outside of your role as caregiver (trapped wife) brings support, and help, and fulfillment I would go for it. All the best.

Wow, tough stuff. It is not fun to be alone & be married. Much less taking care of someone so sick for 24/7. But, I think you might need to ask yourself how you would feel if the tables were turned. I believe the vows were in sickness & in health till death do us part. While I understand your postion, I would wait. That way there is no guilt, shame & no regrets and you can walk away with clean hands. Always believe the best is yet to come. Stay out of compromising & vulnerable positions. Though you feel weak, you will become stronger by not giving in to a situation that will complicate your life right now.

jules - how is your husband here lately ?
i have been thinking about you and wondering if youre doing ok . i dont want to leave you out and i dont mean to shut the door on you . i was shuttin the door at karen .
i hope all is well at your area and i sure hope you ll find you a companiship . i know what its like to be lonely till my sister came to live with me to help me with dad . he is 88 yrs old and bedriden too . so sad to sit ther and watch a helpless guy layin there . suxs .
hope you have a good evening and hope to hear from you again soon . xoxox

There are some posts very worth reading on this thread, such as the ones validating and accepting one's feelings, yet acting according to what you genuinely have reason to believe is honorable and right. There is a lot of sorrow in accepting that things are bad due to illness and/or personality flaws of loved ones, and not going to get better. No, its not fair to have your intimacy and sexual life end before its time, yet it happens to a lot of us. Our job on here is to share the burdens and try to make things more bearable for each other. I'm not saying we never point out that someone's perspective or plan might be wrong, just that we show compassion. Most people do, but now jules is a member of the club who has been deeply hurt by the few who don't. I was once on a thread where someone INSISTED that negative feelings meant you were an unfit caregiver. I remember making the person clarify that was what they were really saying, in hopes they would recognize how off base that was, and they may have - and I also remember how absolutely beaten up and wounded I felt aftwerwards. Its sort of like doing the group trust excercise where people are supposed to catch you but they actually let you fall instead. Just my $0.02.

You are having guilt just for the 'thought' of having a another relationship.

JULES:

Did you ever have so-called "impure" thoughts -- being with someone else -- when your husband was 100%? Before becoming a widower at 28, I fantasized about it a couple of times over 9-year marriage. But never did it because I'd rather be with the woman I married. (Even did a "Cost Benefit Analysis Scale" and there was nothing on the plus side. Plus I'd feel really rotten afterwards.) Nowadays, whenever I have a moment of indecision, I ask myself "Am I going to regret this?"

Find a support group and drop some of the guilt with others who feel like you do. 1-on-1 counseling could help, but you might encounter a lot of reflective listening in the form of a sex-less individual who paraphrases everything you say, throws it back at you, and then bill your insurance. Church might make you feel even guiltier.

In the end, your husband's personality and the type of relationship you've had over the years will probably determine which road you take.

Good luck my friend.

"To err is human; to forgive, divine." Alexander Pope

Kt, I am sorry for you and your mother. It must be very stressful (no one of us is in an easy situation, of course).
What happened to Jules? She has abandoned her own thread!!!!

Ladies from GO...I am so proud of the way you turned around and showed compassion for a truly stressed out caregiver.

Because we all on this thread, the GO thread that is, have a loving spirit, whether we feel we are directed by Jesus to do this or not, KT was shown kindness, graciousness and concern when she revealed her mother's problems. Bravo Ladies! Kindness is never overlooked.

I will not come back to this thread to see what if any response was made to my comment. It was to emotionally draining to me to read as much as I have already.

KT, I truly hope your mother improves and that you have peace in your life. My heart goes out to you and your family for the self sacrificing attitude you all have shown with your mother.

karentaylor, please allow me to add one more thing you could have said as a caring person. "Jules, it is normal and okay to have those feelings but acting on them would not be."

Jules, that was just an example for karentaylor. Not what i am actually saying to you. :))

Karen, Thank you for telling us some of your story. My mom is still at home and is in much the same condition. She also has Parkinsons and therefore is confined to a wheelchair due to her many falls. She needs constant supervision and does get "cranky" like your mom. Sometimes med adjustments help. Since Mom started taking Namenda in March, there is a marked improvement in her personality, but she still has her moments. Not sure what they are treating your mom with, but the Namenda seems to work well for patients that take Aricept. Hope this helps!