My 94-year-old dad is in a Veterans nursing home and wants to go home and live with his grandson. Is it fair to the grandson to take care of his grandfather?

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Answers 1 to 8 of 8
It depends!

Is it practical and realistic - can someone be there all the time for him if he needs that, and is there MORE THAN ONE WILLING AND ABLE CARGIVER? Don't set up for failure if round the clock care is needed and there is only one person who can provide it. If he can be home alone for at least short periods and is not all that demanding, maybe one person can manage it. Just don't try to do something that can't be done, just out of guilt or a desire to please Dad.

Is this going to be something that dad and caregiver(s) are going to mostly enjoy or find a positive experience? Most people would rather be in their own homes and most caregivers of people who are reasonably pleasant and at least occasionally grateful find they can make a lot of good memories together. On the other hand, this forum is full of posts from caregivers who are dying inside from burnout, being hated on and abused daily, and given no support.

Only you know all those details - and even if it looks good, you could find out it will not work out in the long term, so having a fall back plan is probably very important too.

God bless you for thinking before making the jump.
I am the only caregiver (and have been for the past three years) for my 84 year old Mom with Alzheimer's and Dementia. Unless the "grandkid" has support and others who are willing to step in and take over for a few hours once a week to give the grandkid time off and support, I don't recommend it. I am one of those who is "dying inside" because I have no family near to help out. If you do decide to bring Dad home, look into day programs such as those run by PACE ( If it were not for PACE and the small day program my mother attends, I would not be able to cope!
Top Answer
Unless we have more details it is hard to say. How old is this "grandkid?" Has he/she had any medical training? Has he/she spent a lot of time with Grandpa in the past?
Without knowing much more, my gut reaction is to say that this is a really bad idea. Is this kiddo getting paid to do this work? If so, they may be thinking that it is a matter of "elder-sitting" and not all the grueling sometimes "icky" stuff that comes with fulltime caregiving. Even if they are very mature for their age, this is not the appropriate care for grandad.
Perhaps looking into another placement for grandad would be a better plan. Then all the grandchildren could visit. At 94 he needs so much more care than can be organized at home. If he has severe medical problems, it may be near impossible.
good luck...
What got him into the Vet nursing home in the first place? What are his needs? How long has he been there? Does he have dementia? There isn't enough information here to support a good guess.
I researched some things about vet benefits for a friend, on this site. You may be able to get in home care for your dad. I would discuss this with the social worker at the vet home and use whatever they offer as assitance if possible. The Grandson may have good intensions but may not realize his life will be on hold for his caregiving duties.
I remember this question from another thread. Doesn't this 20 year old young man have a job? Is he offering to do this or is your sister volunteering him and his girlfriend for this job? Either way, I agree with the above that it is just too much. I have a 20 year old son who is a junior in college and an 18 year old son who is a freshman in college. I could not think of either one of them taking care of my 85 year old dad or 85 year old step-dad.
Oh my. Twenty? No, this is not a good idea at all.
No. No. No.

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