How can I get my mother to get an evaluation and move into a nursing home without throwing a temper tantrum, kicking and screaming all of the way?

Jayne: My heart goes out to you at this stressful time in your life. I have written repeatedly in this forum about the lack of good alternatives for seniors in general but for Alz. patients in particular. I, too, have been told by the receptionist at Mom's GP's office to "take her to the ER" whenever she has a minor ailment even though she cannot get to the doctor's office because of her mobility problems. I finally started taking her to urgent care because there is no "hassle" - they just take her right in.
I understand that doctors and medical staff become overburdened and overworked, but for a caregiver to be met with flippancy and a lack of caring just adds to OUR burden. I get tired of being "reffered" to specialists etc....it is just a way of passing the buck.
Added to your dilemna is an uncooperative and confused parent. Have you asked the social worker if someone could visit in your home and evaluate your Mom? It might be less stressful that way. Is there a family member, friend, or clergy member who calms her and she responds well to? Even though you are doing what is best for her, sometimes the parent sees the caregiver as the "enemy" who wants to "put them away." Is it possible to have a paid caregiver, that specializes in Alz care, to come in temporarily to give you respite as you get this figured out?
I do not think that it is a good idea to take your Mom "kicking and screaming" into any situation. It will just add to the trauma for both of you.

Yep, that's probably what is going to happen. I originally took her to her dr. for her checkup. Dr. already knew her issues but now I really needed his help - but he just gave me a name and number of a place to have her evaluated even though he knew her problem of dementia. Well, that just set her off and she refuses to have the evaluation. So, after several phone calls and conversations with nursing homes, social workers at hosptials, etc. apparently the only inhumane way to get her to be evaluated now is to wait until she falls or worse (how assinine is that???) or take her to the ER. If she won't get in the car they told me to call 911! Can you believe that??!! I cannot believe there isn't a better way to take care of our elderly. So, in the next few weeks, I hope to catch her in a weak moment and convince her to let me have her "checked out" at the hospital. She knows things are not right, but she is so stubborn. Wandering, crying, OCD symptoms, depressed, not sleeping at nite. The social worker told me once I bring her into ER and explain those symptoms, the will admit her, evaluate her and then I can get her admitted to a nursing home. Truly not what I want for her or for me....but as you say, I have to do whats right for her...the right thing for right now. Thanx for listening.

My husband is 81 and has dementia and he has no balance. I have taken care of him for 2 and 1/2 yrs. now . 24 /7 by myself. I am exhausted. He is now in a behavioral hospital which is short term. We are trying to find a nursing home which will take him in. No luick they don't want to be bothered with him because he has episodes where he raises his voice and gets agitated. He will upset the other patients. He totally depends on me to feed him, bathe him. change his Diapers and help him in and out of bed. I am totally exhausted and I guess he will be coming back home to me this week. Who ever said there is no Hell. I and he are living it every day.

I agree, the best thing for her is to be home. I would call the Dr and explain the situation. He will probably prescribe xanax or something to get her in there. Once on the correct medication she can live at home. Nursing homes wont put up with it either, notice they are usually sitting, medicated. sad but true. good luck, been there!!

Thanks for verifying the urinary infection problem. My wife has been really going off the deep end the last week. Her doctor did a urinalysis and found an infection. She's 78 so maybe there's an additional cause for dementia, etc. outbreaks/flairs. Started her on Cipro 250mg tonight - stay tuned.

Unfortunately, very few willingly admits themselves into a NH. The majority of our residents come to us because they had a terrible fall at home which landed them in the hospital. The hospital releases them to the NH for rehab. When their Part A medicare is about to run out, the nursing home advises that the person is unfit to live at home after assessments and home evaluations. Then it's easy for you to keep her there after she's already been there for 3 months. It's crappy that something major has to happen first in order to get them in the door, when it all can be avoided if they weren't so dang stubborn. You are in plenty of company in your frustration.

I haven't had the problem you report since my wife agrees to and accepts most of my suggestions about her care, but, a wonderful, kind and gentle aunt of mine was diagnosed with dementia then Alzheimer's and she became a risk to herself and my cousins; her caregivers.
My cousins had to prevail upon her doctor to have her put into a state mental hospital, which they said was surprisingly nice - clean, quiet and the staff took good care of her. She apparently calmed down quite a bit and after about a month, they were able to have her transfered to a "regular" nursing home.
She died 5 months ago but the family all assure me that she was happier after entering the state hospital and seemed to almost be her old self in the last facility.
I would suggest, if I may, that her Doctor explain to her that she must, for her own well-being, enter some facility for evaluation and care. Maybe her doctor, or even a new doctor if she'd accept one, would be better equipped to convince her.
I wish you all the best, I know what you're going through and whatever you do you'll probably never think you did the right thing but unfortunately there is, for most of us, no easy way to care for our terminally ill loved ones.

My parents have been married for almost 74 years. He has dementia and my mother can't take care of him anymore. She is willing to go into independent living and have him in a memory care unit but not unless he agrees. She doesn't understand that he will not agree. The only way we will be able to get him there is to trick him. This is almost killing her and us, the kids. Any advice or reassurance that this will turn OK?

I had the social worker come to the house and mom just thought it was a nice lady coming over for a visit. I told her that the doctor wanted her to go to this nice hotel and stay awhile. I told her there would be activities and coffee and what ever else I thought she would like. I never referred to the nursing home as anything but a nice hotel with flowers and there would be dancing and fun. I put her things and clothes in her room before she went, so she wouldn't be wondering what I was doing on move in day. I just made it seem we were going on a drive to the nice hotel. My mom only lasted 2 months and then she passed. At first she asked about me and then I don't think she remembered being anywhere else. It was the hardest thing I had to do, when I realized I could no longer care for her safely. She passed 1 year ago this July and I miss my sweet mommy everyday!

Suggest just going to visit...get a free lunch at one of these places and go sample the food. Have arranged ahead of time with the staff. They distract her, you leave. Her wishes must not be the primary consideration when the doctor has made it clear what must happen. You may have legal liability for failure to follow the orders. Plan it, do it, coordinate with the doctor and the intake specialist.